Marriage breakdown heartbroken

[SofiaJessica4]

Please could someone help me / talk? Marriage has broken down, husband of three years has said it’s over and we’re done. I’m struggling to cope, trying to reach out to people and keep busy but I miss him so much.

We relocated for his job 18 months ago, far from friends and family and I had to leave a job I loved, a move very much forced by him. I couldn’t get over it and the resentment has simmered and now here we are.

I know I have to forgive myself and learn to let go but I’m just praying he will change his mind and come back. He said, give him a month or two for him to miss me.

I just don’t know

Lol who is Rana?

What's she called then?!

??? Honey are u on the right thread or have i missed something

No, sorry, my phone is doing strange things tonight!

I dont see why its your fault. You cant help how you feel. You can do better than him

Thank you Branleuse. I feel guilty as I pushed and pushed him with the guilt trips, negative comment, making him feel bad. And we would have huge massive arguments. I’m trying to remember it’s not all my fault.

OP - I’ll repeat again - it’s not your fault - and you have the cards.
And - also
There is NO such thing as sharing CUSTODY of a house.
What a ridiculous concept he is tying to push on you.
Let him move his stuff out - if he is really willing to do that - there isn’t hope for this relationship anyway.
And - where do you think he’ll he moving it to?????

If bed is our concern - buy an inflatable one. It’s cheap.
He doesn’t have the right to kick you out.
And - if you think that by going along you are increasing chances of him changing you mind - think again.

Something is up with him. And it’s nr because you were not happy in a new place.
Him being straight with you, and not ‘that kind of a guy’, and he’d have told you if there was someone else - please..... Many women don’t expect and can’t believe when it happens.
And he IS that guy. Went on vacation with you, and wasn’t e timely honest about his plans for the future. No?

Something was a catalyst for this. And it’s not you interview.

But you only got to the stage where you were "giving him guilt trips" because he kind of backed you into a corner re moving - you felt like you'd never see him if you didn't. You need to stop blaming yourself and remember all the massive changes that you DID make for him. You should be supporting each other through thick and thin..

I was very similar with my ex. I moved for him, was very unhappy there, probably took it out on him, he couldn't understand or appreciate what I'd given up. I blamed myself when he left. In reality we weren't a team, I had to fit into his world or that was it. My marriage now is a total different entity- we've supported each other through no end of ups and downs. My ex would never have been able to cope. Life's not always easy, times get tough, you shouldn't be made to feel a nuisance for not always being sunny.

Thank you for your responses.

The catalyst was me getting a job offer back home & planning to move back. Then thinking it was a huge mistake and I didn’t want to be away from him. He initially supported me going to try it out and us both moving later, and then he felt abandoned by me I guess? He doesn’t want to live in London. The annoying thing for me after all of this is, I don’t really want to either. I just needed to reconnect with my friends and family.

He would move in with his mum, she lives 70 miles from his work but he said he will do the three hour round trip each day to avoid seeing me (we live two mins drive from his work, and 30 miles from mine!). I did say why don’t we just cohabit but apparently he’s dead against that. I’m not ready to sell the house, not sure what to do about it.

I really don’t feel there’s someone else but I suppose there could be you never know?

It’s good to hear of people who have gone on to meet a new partner and have better marriages, I do want that close relationship, I really don’t want to think this could be it for me!

Stay in the house, if he can’t be there when you are, than that’s his problem. I think you need to take a step back, what are you exactly fighting for, a relationship or this relationship. His selfish and manipulative ways will manifest in other ways because this is who he is. Do you really want to spend the next x amount of years always following the whims and desires of somebody else? You aren’t a partnership and he hasn’t given you any indication that he wants one.

Stay in the house full time for now but think about your future and where your long term happiness lies.

Thank you. I do want to stay in the house. My worry is if he takes all or a lot of our furniture, and stops paying the mortgage. I could probably find a tenant but things could get ugly very quickly.

I’m also not sure that I’d be able to afford to buy him out. I am not ready to sell but I also don’t necessarily want to stay where we’re livkng.

And I don’t want to go back to renting a room in London lie I did in my early 20s!

I really still had hope for us but now I’m not sure at all. I really don’t see why we can’t cohabit , driving back and forth to my dads (or him having a 140 mile trip to his mums) doesn’t make sense to me

OP - don’t grasp at straws that aren’t there.
He clearly has made up his mind - aka if he is so dead set on NOT being in the same house with you - it’s not about your job or him feeling abandoned.
It’s about him wanting to have a life without you.

You seem confused and your mind is all over. Which is understandable.
Point is - you moved away from London and were not happy.
Now you seem to be trying to convince yourself to stay where you are because you think there is a chance he’ll change his mind.
Not likely.

Take your time and figure out your next step. House sale will happen when it happens.
If he stops paying his mortgage - it will mess his credit history - making any future purchases difficult.
So - he won’t be doing that.

So - stay put. Let him have his tantrum and try to fit his furniture/bed into his parents house - which (I assume) doesn’t have a shortage of furniture.
So - I think he is just blackmailing you.

There is no more you&him, he’s moved on in his head. Treat him accordingly.
You are still young and have a lot of life in front of you.

It would be easier to put the house up for sale. It may kick him up the backside so he realises this is real and it's not just him decidi, so if he does still want this marriage he needs to pull his head out of the sand and work for it. If not, you both need your own spaces, get it. You can't go on living like this.

Thanks. I’m not in a rush to sell because my head is reeling and I just feel like I need some stability for awhile before deciding on anything.

I spoke to his mum today and she said nothing is set in stone, words or things he’s said don’t necessarily mean anything it’s him pushing for space, give him the space. But she obviously wants me to share the house with him so he doesn’t have to do the 140 mike round trip to work from her house everyday. So while I don’t think she would string me along, as she’s not a bad person, obviously she wants what’s best for him.

I feel relieved that at least I know where I stand - I can’t do anything so there’s no point in trying. Before where I didn’t know what he was deciding it was much more stressful.

I have my friends, my family, a dog, my job.

I want him too and I do feel like people come back from things like this, just maybe it’s not that common. At the same time nothing so awful has happened, there’s been no affair, death etc.

Trying to take things a day at a time and hoping he will calm down and see sense. He’s losing a lot too in this - the house, his job ish (well he said it’s effected work as he’s been so upset). His health - he’s been out drinking constantly to the point he’s paralytic so he’s obviously not very happy either.

Hoping where he sees I can leave him alone, and will do, that it may impact things. And help give me some space to feel less emotional about things.

Thank you

Sorry to ask more questions ... does anyone have any guidance / experience on when to get a divorce? I know you can just do the general waiting two year separation period but I wouldn't want to do that, I would want to get it over and done with if that's how its going to go.

Veering between waiting things out, and wanting to file for divorce and get the house sold so I can move on.