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Relationships

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Original poster

DH is not responsible / mollycoddled - Bitterness?

23 replies

gemini0555 · 17/08/2018 11:21

DH and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. We have a 6 month old baby. I can't help but feel a weird bitterness towards DH sometimes, mainly when we've fallen out and I'm sure its unhealthy, not sure if its a dealbreaker though.

Some background - DH lived at home until 27, paid no rent/bills, never learnt to drive and worked at sainsburys so spent all his income on himself, has always been massively mollycoddled by his mum because he was premature baby, meals made for him, washing done etc.

We live in a rented house that we can barely afford, DH works for his dad and earns 18k doing a job that would normally pay minimum wage (its basically stacking shelves) originally he was given the job 6 years ago when his dad felt sorry for him after he lost his job in sainsburys. It was never meant to be longterm. Also, his dad picks him up for work everyday so he doesn't have to get 2 buses. Now the company is going bust and DH will shortly be out of a job - obviously he hasn't started looking or applying yet because he "needs help with his CV" not sure why, as he has a degree in English so perfectly capable.

DH does not drive, and refuses to learn (says he has a phobia of driving) I decided to learn when I found out I was pregnant - to make things easier for us, passed my test at 36 weeks. I drive DH to work 2 days a week in exchange for him paying half of car costs.

DH had a host of debts, 2 credit cards and a 3k overdraft, he received a letter from HSBC to his parents house asking him to start paying back the overdraft asap, he opened it in front of them and of course started fretting - they paid it off for him overnight.

Other small things - he will never go anywhere alone, the idea of him catching the train to London to meet friends "I don't fancy doing that on my own" he got the hump the other day when I suggested we do some decorating in the evening while the baby was in bed "But I've had a long day of work" (aka, looking on facebook because there is nothing left to do for a dying company) I do practically ALL the housework after trying to enforce cleaning rotas, chore charts about 100 times and them never working out. I walk the dog every day whilst also looking after a 6 month old, I pay and sort out all the bills/benefits stuff. I've sorted out all the childcare for me returning to work.

So to me, it kind of feels like he has never had to have real responsibility of his own, everything has just been handed to him. I'm not perfect but every job I've ever had I've gotten through hard work, all my debts I've paid myself and I feel pride in being independent and looking after my family. I just feel let down by him and desperately want him to step up, but I'm not sure its ever going to happen. Are we doomed?

Nb: I have no complaints about him as a father, he's an amazing dad, he does exactly 50/50 of the work in that respect.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 17/08/2018 11:31

But he isn't doing 50/50 is he? Parenting involves more than just occupying your children. It involves acquiring income, paying bills, providing a clean and decorated environment, modelling responsibility and how to do "adulting" and provng to be not just responsible but ambitious enough to to do your very best, and to instil confidence in your children. He clearly can't or won't do these things.

Uncreative · 17/08/2018 11:34

Why are you with him? You

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 17/08/2018 11:35

What a catch!
How long have you been married?
Honestly, that lack of direction and adulting is going to be impossible to sustain soon. It's all the factors together - drifting in basic jobs, not using or improving his education, not driving, the debt (so inappropriate spending), refusing to go places/travel. And there's his lack of willingness to change things.
Tbh I'd cut your losses IIWY. If he's always been like this, I'm not altogether sure why you married him, but don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy.

HollowTalk · 17/08/2018 11:35

Oh god, how on earth can you be attracted to him? He's like a child.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/08/2018 11:36

None of this is new. He's always been like this. If he loves you and your baby he may be able to change but you're going to have to be patient. The behaviours he's learnt can't be unlearnt over night. I'd think some discussion needs to be had - but don't expect any immediate results.

Uncreative · 17/08/2018 11:37

My post was cut short - why are you with him? That’s a serious question - you must have seen some positives when you first started dating. There must be more to him than ‘he is a good father’. And if there isn’t, why are you still with him?

TatianaLarina · 17/08/2018 11:42

I don’t think there’s a lot of point being bitter with him when you knew what he was like when you chose to have kids with him.

Question your own choices and whether you can move forward with a man who is essentially a quasi child.

Also - rehome the dog, that would cut down on your chores.

Butterymuffin · 17/08/2018 11:43

I would start by looking at the job stuff. He must know he will need another job. Push him to look at jobs, go and see a careers advisor etc. I would also say you need to lay out that he needs to stop all his fun / non-essential spending 'until he gets another job'.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2018 11:44

I was going to ask the same as Uncreative; why are you and he together at all?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Love is simply not enough here and he is really a kidult (a manchild inside a man's body). He is also very much a product of his own parents constant and consistent enabling of him. He won't change and or have some epiphany and he is not yours either to rescue and or save.

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment as well when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. He was and is not your project either to rescue and or save.

I would also read up on the "sunken costs fallacy in relationships" and see how much of that applies to your current ways of thinking too.

Original poster

gemini0555 · 17/08/2018 11:46

Thanks everyone. He's a nice person, he has a lovely close family, he's caring and he makes me feel happy most of the time. We click really well and always have fun. Thats what I fell in love with.

I think this is an underlying feeling that creeps to the surface when we argue (which is rare) I find it difficult to feel sorry for him when he's down because in my eyes, he's got it so good!

How do I turn this around, I don't want to bail - but just telling him to 'man up' will not go down well, I have no idea how to put it gently. In the past when I've tried to explain to him - you're an adult, you have to sometimes do stuff you don't want to do (decorating, walking to work) he's said I'm being condescending and shut off completely!

OP posts:

Original poster

gemini0555 · 17/08/2018 11:48

@TatianaLarina

Also - rehome the dog, that would cut down on your chores.

how heartless! the dog is fine where she is thanks!

OP posts:

Musti · 17/08/2018 11:50

Good grief, I couldn't love someone like that. I expect my primary aged school kids to have more responsibility than he does. I think that he'll never learn to stand on his own two feet because everyone enables him.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 17/08/2018 11:50

I'm not sure I can give any useful advice as the man you describe would turn me completely off & have me running a mile...
The very fact he shuts down when you bring it up would indicate he has no intention of changing tbh & why would he? He's on easy street.
Maybe you do need to be more firm & tell him to man the fuck up?

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2018 11:55

He's bringing nothing to the party
What's his incentive to do more when you've put up with this for so long? I wouldn't expect much change

NorthernSpirit · 17/08/2018 11:57

God, personally I couldn’t be with this man child, who has never grown up or taken responsibility (shame on him and his parents). But that’s me..

He needs a serious kick up the arse. His behaviour isn’t acceptable. Write down what you wound like to see change and sit down and discuss it with him. Tell him how you are feeling and what the consequences of him not changing will be.

Plumsofwrath · 17/08/2018 12:00

Well it’s a straightforward choice you’ve made: the price you’re paying for being with this man which you click with and with whine you have fun and fell in love, is having to look after him. Is that what you’re worth? Is he that great?

buckingfrolicks · 17/08/2018 12:03

Could he be a SAHD ?

Clutching at straws here, as he sounds pretty far from adult.

Has he learned/changed for the better anything at all in the 6 years together? Do things now that he didn't do before? If he hasn't then I'm really sorry but I think stating will cause so many issues and problems for you and you DC down the line.

blueangel1 · 17/08/2018 12:07

I'm afraid I blame his parents for an awful lot of this. They have brought him up to be a Golden Child (which I suppose is understandable given the circumstances surrounding his birth), but he has never learnt to be an adult and it's going to be an awful shock to suddenly have to do it now.

Agree with PP who has suggested he could be a SAHD? This might be part of the solution.

ShowOfHands · 17/08/2018 12:14

You need to look up the word "amazing" in the dictionary. Doing 50% of the nappy changes is not amazing. It's normal. Being an equal partner and contributing 50% to the running of a household is not amazing either. It's the bare minimum/expected. He's falling far short of expectation, never mind amazing.

As things stand, he won't change. I have a friend who has a 30 year marriage built upon similar foundations. Her husband is just a very tall child imho. She's going to leave him now their youngest has grown up. What a waste of endeavour. Don't be my friend.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2018 13:07

You asked how you turn this around. Well I do not think you can, this is who he is and he is very much a product of his parent's enabling behaviours.

You do not argue with each other simply because you are carrying all the load and making all the decisions within your household. He's simply letting you carry on where his parents left off when he left home.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not. Examine your own reasons more closely as to why you do not want to bail. That language you've used there is also telling.

category12 · 17/08/2018 13:17

Oh don't let him become a sahd, he'll do fuck all and be primary carer so you're scared to leave in case he ends up with the dc.

If it's a dealbreaker, tell him so and that you need him to contribute more to the relationship. But basically you're enabling him, his parents enable him, and he'll go on like this unless a fire is lit under him. And maybe even then.

TatianaLarina · 17/08/2018 13:52

The dog’s fine but you’re not, that’s the point. If want to keep the dog don’t complain about walking it.

There is no way to put it gently, and there is no point in saying it to him because he will not listen and he will not change.

You need to accept him exactly as he is. Figure out if you can work around his behaviours and if you can’t then move on.

Thebluedog · 17/08/2018 14:27

Oh dear OP, I couldn’t live or be involved with a man (I call him that in the loosest sense) like that.

I’d be looking for somewhere else to live

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