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Original poster

DH constantly undermining me!!

18 replies

Confidenceknocked · 17/08/2018 11:18

How do you combat undermining your parenting?

DH does it constantly and I’m starting to think it’s really affecting our ability to successfully parent, I’m honestly considering leaving over it - despite everything else being perfect.

Examples - me: DD take your shoes off on Nannies carpet please like she’s asked. DH: oh those shoes aren’t muddy, you can keep them on DD.

Me- DD I need to redo your hair as it’s gone a bit crazy. DH: no your hairs fine you don’t need to redo it.

It happens constantly but those examples are from the last 24 hours just to show how it is.

It’s driving me mental, does anyone else’s partners do this? I don’t know how to get through to him that he shouldn’t do it. He works 5.5 days a week so most of the time it’s just me and DD has started ignoring me when I ask her to do things and it’s no wonder she does when he tells her too half the time!!

OP posts:

Branleuse · 17/08/2018 11:20

Thats a big problem as its teaching dd to disrespect you. It will mean you have no control or respect which will be a massive deal when shes older

Trinity66 · 17/08/2018 11:21

Oh that would drive me crazy. Have you spoken to him about it? You really need to sit him down and tell this and tell him it's effecting how DD is responding to you. You two need to be on the same page, he's teaching her to disrespect you really

Trinity66 · 17/08/2018 11:22

snap Branleuse

NadiaLeon · 17/08/2018 11:24

Maybe a little rash to consider leaving him despite everything else being 'perfect'. Try and accept his one fault and talk to him.

Trinity66 · 17/08/2018 11:28

Try and accept his one fault

Terrible advice, her child will grow up thinking her mother has no say, this one fault has the potential to snowball into a really massive issue

HarmlessChap · 17/08/2018 11:37

You need to speak to him about backing you up in front of dd but talking it through later if he doesn't agree.

Winchester89 · 17/08/2018 11:54

@harmlesschap
Exactly that. I had a similar problem early on with stepson, me and DH had a conversation about it and he said he didn't realise he was doing it. We now, for both kids, accept the others decision and will discuss it afterwards when the children aren't around if we disagree for whatever reason.

LannieDuck · 17/08/2018 12:00

Who's mother was the 'Nannie'? If it's his mum, I guess that's between him and her, but if it was your mum, you need to stand your ground and explain that in DM's house, it's DM's rules.

As for the hair, it didn't impact him at all so I would have shrugged and done it anyway. It's not like you were asking him to make an effort to do it. Perhaps ask why he felt the need to comment?

Trinity66 · 17/08/2018 12:27

As for the hair, it didn't impact him at all so I would have shrugged and done it anyway. It's not like you were asking him to make an effort to do it. Perhaps ask why he felt the need to comment?

Yeah that is kind of weird isn't it? It seems like a deliberate attempt to undermine her just for the sake of undermining her imo

Cawfee · 17/08/2018 12:45

It’s a control thing. He’s trying to have control over the child and you and general parenting. It’s classic. By disagreeing with you and telling her to do things anyway it’s putting him firmly in the dominant parent position. It’s a real worry actually because if he doesn’t change his behaviour then your “parenting team” is broken and your relationship/influence on your child is at risk. I’d suggest professional counselling to try and get to the bottom of why he’s doing it. It’s overall disrespectful. Is he in a position of power at work? Manager?

Musti · 17/08/2018 12:56

Speak to him about it and come to some sort of compromise. It may be that you have very different parenting styles so you both need to give a bit. Warn him that a lack of United parental front will spell trouble for the future.

Mix56 · 17/08/2018 13:00

It's a control thing
If he listens to you when you discuss this with him, then it is surmountable. The likelihood is that he is manipulative, & you are already in a situation where he dominates,
If so, leaving is the solution

NadiaLeon · 17/08/2018 13:36

Leaving him is daft. He's apparently perfect apart from this one thing. You'll rarely find a man with less than a few imperfections...and you've found one with only one.

LizzieSiddal · 17/08/2018 13:38

Have you spoken to him? If so what does he say?

Branleuse · 17/08/2018 16:38

Nadialion whats your agenda?

Happyhippy45 · 17/08/2018 16:50

Our Ds ended up having behavioural problems partly due to this.
Me and dh would undermine each other though it was mostly him undermining me all the time.
I'd have just spent an hour or more before dinner refusing their requests for sweets. Telling them they could have some after dinner.
Dh would waltz in from work, I'd tell him dinner would be ready in a minute so please don't bring sweets out (he used to grab some as soon as he go at home from work) as kids had already been told no. He'd get them anyway and give them to the kids. Then I'd have to battle with them to get them to eat their dinner.
Or asking them to put a jacket on. Dh would say "Oh I don't think it's cold." We'd go out and I don't have to put up with their whining that they were cold.
We also were a bit inconsistent with following through on consequences.
We spoke about it to each other and what we were both doing wrong and DS behaviour improved a lot.
Try and nip it in the bud. It makes for a difficult life.

Happyhippy45 · 17/08/2018 16:51

*I'd have to put up with

lifebegins50 · 17/08/2018 17:41

Yes it's a control thing.
The example of hair, no need to comment but he is making it such that he is always the final arbitrator and your dd will learn that.

I had this with Ex, dc would ask me something, could be a question..I would respond, Ex would give a different view and if I countered or tried to discuss "I would be arguing with him, having to he right etc" Essentially his opinion was dominant, no debate once he had spoken.

I think it came from his deep insecurity and him not coping with me being the parent Dc mostly spoke to.

Now he has dc solo it suits him, he gets to decide everything when he has them and means he still has lots of his free time for hobbies and work.
Trouble is dc are growing up and want a parent who listens, which isn't him!

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