Feel absolutely shocking

[neededanewnamee]

So, been with my partner for years, I had a baby just over a month ago. Things have changed drastically and I love being a mum to my children.

However, I feel absolutely shocking. My relationship is shocking, good when 'he' wants it to be, but a joke otherwise. He spends a lot of time meeting his friends going out for drinks on an evening after work, coming home after 11. Yesterday I was getting ready and my older child laughed at me, that bothered me a little bit. Until today, when I came upstairs I found my partner wanking. Yes this bothers me and he's done it for ages, I try not to let it bother me but it does even more so now as I feel insecure as it is and he knows it! We had sex quite early on after me having the baby, because he wanted to! Then we have done it a few times after that too, and now he claims he doesn't want to and doesn't find me attractive and I need to do a number of things for him to find me attractive. So as you can imagine I feel like crap, I have a young baby and older child to look after, no time for myself yet I'm getting told to do this and that when In reality I have no time whatsoever. I can't even get my hair done, which is something on the list, as I have no time and very little money on maternity pay. Stuck in a rut and just needed to vent. How can he go from being attracted to me one week, and wanting sex a lot of times, to then not liking me at all?!

What a way to make someone feel like shit!

He is a bit of an arse. You have given him children and he would rather be out drinking or wanking, sounds like he's the one with the issues not you. He shouldn't be making you feel like crap you have just had a baby. What would he have done or said had you been the one to tell him was unattractive and given him a list? Sounds like your wasting your time with him x

I'd write him a list of all the things you find unattractive about him.

Top of that list would be wanking when/where you can see him.

A close follow up would be going out drinking till 11 when you're looking after young children.

Then a list of any of his physical imperfections (unless you are partnered to a top male model or an Adonis, he must have some).

I agree he is the one with the issues with the relationship as he's ruining it, but now with my body not where it was I feel low as it is, and didn't really expect him to make me feel even worse about it. In an argument when he was telling me I'm so insecure and have this many imperfections I said to him your not perfect either, and your different to when we met too, he then went on to list the things that have changed on him and he wasn't bothered at all. Said he's not bothered for sex again and I don't turn him on. I'm not even bothered about the sex, it's about him wanking (so clearly he wants to do something) and slagging me off. So basically it's me that's the problem!

Not a good feeling.

Get your camera phone out next time - tell him you'll send it to his mum

I'd just ignore him tbh OP - your self-esteem shouldn't be wrapped up in his opinion of you.

You're at a vulnerable time - just having had a new baby - the fact that he is not nurturing you at this time is HIS failing, not yours.

Your body is amazing - you've just grown a whole new human being in it. Don't let patriarchal/media standards of what a female should look like, and how attractive she should be two minutes after giving birth, spoil this time for you. Cuddle your baby. Think about getting rid of the husband.

OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You've literally just had a baby and I can't believe you've had sex yet, particularly when you didn't do it because you wanted to.

Your partner sounds like a complete wastrel, and although I don't say this lately, the fact he's telling you that you need to do certain things for him to find you attractive or to want to have sex with him makes him sound really controlling as well as a complete bastard. That's without the being out on the drink and being generally unsupportive.

Tbh I would seriously consider kicking him out if he doesn't sort his ideas out. I really hope things work out for you, OP. The time right after having a baby is super emotional and difficult as you find your feet and get used to a child (or in your case, another child) and you really don't need a man child being a waste of space to add to this. Look after yourself, OP.

What a nasty little shit he is. Why are you with him?

He sounds so selfish. I bet you would feel a lot better about yourself without him around. What do you get out of this relationship now?

What did you mean when you said your son was laughing at you?

@HollowTalk laughed as my belly has stretch marks and isn't as tight as it was... however I'm still not over weight and belly is almost back to pre pregnancy size.

However, I don't know what I get out of this relationship to be honest. It's good sometimes, but lately (these past 2 weeks) have been bad and not worth it!

Not particularly sure if I even want to be in it anymore!

Firstly - How old is your eldest child and has he learned this behaviour from your partner? I hope you sat your son done and had a long talk with him about how "we" do not make fun of people's bodies and how it makes them feel, especially people we love! Secondly - your partner is a horrible piece of work, you have only given birth over a month ago, my body was an absolute shambles 6 weeks after giving birth and my husband would not have dared to open his damn mouth about my appearance because 1) its horrible and rude 2)he loves me 3)he knew I would divorce the shit out of him if he did. Nowadays almost 4 years on when we look back at newborn photos we do have a chuckle about how large I was (because I'm usually very slim and gained nearly 4 stone in pregnancy but have lost it all now) but at the time he never ever mentioned it because that's what supportive partners do.

He sounds vile!!! Trust me, he's just trying to break you even more for some kind of sick pleasure! He will try to have sex again, and you'll probably go along with it because you're feeling a bit low right now, and then he'll have you where he wants you. You sound like a great mum and like you're trying your best, and you don't need this man ONE MONTH after bringing a baby in to the world to be bringing you down and making you feel like you're only here for his pleasure and all of a sudden you're not good enough. You're the one that has just created life, you deserve to be told how amazing you and your new baby is and he should want to make you both proud and happy. In my opinion, speaking to you like that is unforgivable and I wouldn't want my children to be around that energy.

Your amazing, don't let him tell you otherwise 🌷

Fucking arsehole.

Tell him to go wank at his mum's.

You deserve so much more than this.

I am 10 years past the menopause, big cesarean scar, saggy as anything. But DH still fancies me. Why? Because he loves me. Your partner/husband is shalliw and nasty, and I doubt if he knows what love is (well there's one peron he loves of course, and that's himself, so neither use nor ornament to anyone else)

Ohh this makes me so mad!

OP, know this:

Your eyes still have that glow and that love coming from them; your smile is still full of joy; your breasts are a soft place where your babies lay their heads and feel your warmth and your heartbeat (and get their vital nourishment if you are able to breast feed); your tummy is showing the signs of when it held and grew a human being and kept them safe and warm; your arms, your back, your neck, and your feet are all unchanged and just as lovely as ever; your arms are there to hold the ones you love; and your hands are kind, loving and skilled...

You ARE a beautiful work of art, regardless of any changes that may have occurred to you physically. If fact you could say, even because of them.

You deserve to be cherished, not ridiculed, ignored, or devalued.

I don't know what to suggest you tell your partner, but working on finding that place of self appreciation, and I'm sure you will know what to demand/expect from him.

Just an update, last night took a different turn when it got to about 11. He'd stayed in last night with us all and it was a nice evening. I was still being off with him because I was mad about what was said that morning, however, when it got late and the children were in bed he apologised for the way he spoke to me that morning, said how much he loved me and how beautiful I was and that I was looking fit. He is a good dad to the children and adores them. This morning he's been devoted to our youngest just starring at her, smiling, looking at me then her and smiling and just generally being the cooing father I wanted him to always be. Don't know what drove him to change the way he thought about me or maybe he realised that it was out of order the things he said as he didn't mean them. When I spoke to my friend she assured me that he wouldn't have meant it because she's seen what he's like with me and the way he looks at me. But when your feeling low you believe everything that's negative that's said about you. Definitely need to tell him how out of order it was and that if he didn't mean those things never to say them again!

Yes, I know how to make myself feel great again and get back on a high, to be honest my body isn't that far off the same as before pregnancy so I've just got a few more things to do to make my self esteem up. Mainly with learning to love who I am! No matter what. I've just had a baby, I'm breastfeeding her, I feel so much love when I am feeding her and I am happy.

Watch he doesn't backslide.

Oh I love that expression 'divorce the shit out of him'. I would, actually, divorce the shit out of him though. Too unpredictable. You said it's 'good when HE wants it to be'. He obvs wants it to be good now and that's great because you are pretty vulnerable, having just had a baby. However, this recent behaviour is not acceptable at all and if he has form for this....bye!