How to move forward and not make the same mistakes.

[Sharkymcsharkface]

This may be long, apologies in advance..

Virtually my entire adult life I have been in a relationship of some description, since the age of about 16. I'm a 'serial monogamist' and tend to be in relationships for years at a time. I fall hard and usually quite fast. Once I'm in love with someone I will forgive them many flaws and try very hard to be the 'perfect' partner. This is, of course, largely subconscious.

But dp I have recently split after almost 5 years together and honestly I'm exhausted with the whole thing. It's way to soon to even be thinking about it but when I'm ready I want to make sure I end up with the right sort of guy and not another twat who treats me badly. But how? I know my issues when I'm single:

I get really lonely.
I miss sex/intimacy.
I have low self esteem.
I'm desperate for someone to love me so I tend to go for the first person who shows interest.
I've been abused so many times by now that it seems to me I obviously can't recognise the signs and make good choices in partners.
I'm too trusting and open so I get hurt very easily.
I give people the benefit of the doubt too much because I don't want to be seen as shallow or judgemental.

So how do I stop myself from falling for a dickhead again and pick someone who is worthy of me?

I was a bit like this. I used to go out with the first bloke that asked, make myself the perfect partner then realise I couldn’t possibly see a future, bin them, rinse and repeat.

When guys asked me out I refused for 6 months.
I wrote a list of all the things I really wanted to do and started booking them (holidays etc)
When I finally met someone that made my stomach flip, I asked him out on the off chance and the rest is history..

They key is... if you don’t like them enough to ask them out then don’t say yes when they ask you out.

I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell myself this.

I think I'm finally starting to get angry/annoyed with trying to be perfect for anyone. I mean, I am a bit of a people pleaser but why can't someone, for once, try and be perfect for me? Why do I always have to be the one putting in all the effort? Why can't someone else try their hardest to make me happy and put me first rather than the other way around?

Starting to just not want to put any effort in at all but that might chase people away completely..

Think I should practice saying no

Ok, so you’re a people pleaser. There is a “people”called SharkyMcSharkface who needs some pleasing - why don’t you start pleasing her?!
Joking aside, OP, you could benefit from spending some time exploring your own wants and needs, putting yourself first, being happy in your own company. Then you will know what you want from a partner. Note that word “from”. Not what you can give them, but what they can offer you. It shouldn’t be all one way - you need to receive as well as give.
Work on your self esteem, and start believing that you deserve to be loved. People (especially men) tend to take you at your own valuation. Don’t make yourself a doormat or they will think it’s fine to wipe their feet.
Best wishes for a happier future OP.

I'd advise reading melody beattie stuff on codependent no more. I am doing the 12 steps using her book and it's hard work but very worthwhile.