Why do I feel like this?

[GotToBeMore]

My family has a good life, and I'm afraid I am about to mess it up for everyone.

Hubby and I have been together 12 years, married 8, with 2 BEAUTIFUL girls (5 and 2). Both girls are confident and happy. Hubby and I work full time.

Up until 6 months ago I juggled school drop offs, work and house chores (supper, bathtime, bedtime). I did not begrudge this, but I was tired! I then got another job due to big pay increase (we were struggling financially), and hubby had to take on more as I work longer hours and travel further. I'm excelling at new job and still very focused on my girls. Financially we are in a much better place.

Hubby and I don't fight... We just pass each other by. My focus is work and kids, his focus is.... Not entirely sure.

Sexually we have not had much passion. I thought that was because I'm on anti-depressants, but I'm starting to realise that actually I am just numb toward him. I have sex with him because I know he needs that, but I drag it out as long as possible because I hate the routine of it. Should I mention I'm 30? I feel like I should feel more, WANT to be with him and touch him. He is very good looking, but I feel no connection.

I've told him this, he got upset and says if I leave he will lose everything cause he loves me, and I don't doubt that he loves me... But I need and want more. Maybe not now, but one day! My fear is I will meet someone who I connect with, and would never cheat! So rather get out whilst it's amicable and because I really feel nothing, rather than wait for that to happen, and cause bad feelings.

Sounds clear cut, right? Problem is, am I nuts? We might pass each other by, but we don't fight. Kids are happy, we are 'content'. Should I be messing that up just because I feel like there should be more in a relationship. Do I grit my teeth and bare it?

I think this is a very common situation to be in. You need to make a little time for each other occasionally to try and get the spark back. Small romantic gestures to show you care such as a quick kiss or cuddle as he walks past. Even if you are faking it to start with.

Life is getting in the way and you as a couple are low down on the list of priorities. It needs time and effort likes any other relationships for it to be fulfilling to both of you. As I say, I think this is an extremely common.

You got two young kids and you're both working hard. Pre kids did you enjoy having sex with him? What attracted you to him? Did you use to enjoy spending time together?

Before breaking something going through a normal patch, give yourselves a good chance. Prioritise your relationship and start doing things together just the 2 of you. Make sure it's regular. A sport, cinema and cocktails etc. It'll make you laugh together and give you something other than kids and chores to talk about.

It sounds as though you are in a bit of a rut which is normal after being with someone 12 years! If your relationship is good then why not try and reignite the spark. Go away for the weekend just you and DH and reconnect. Buy some lingerie, massage oils and maybe a toy and have fun with each other. Look at him with fresh eyes and remember him as your sexy man rather than your husband or children's father. x

antidepressants can cause sexual problems, you might want to check that.

I think the issue is the anti depressants and the huge burden that life and work puts on you. I was on SSRIs and felt completely numb. In fact, thinking of going back on them actually as I am now single and finding life difficult to cope with and need to curb my libido!

Thanks all. I agree the anti-depressants have an impact on libido, and have tried to go off, but I get very anxious off them and snap at everyone. That isn't fair on the kids, so I have to stick to it.

I was going to see the Dr to try a different med, but having been on three different meds over past 5 years, I doubt a change will help.

I spoke to DH this morning and explained I just want that spark back, and we need to figure out how.

I really hope it is common to feel this way, because I hate that I am hurting him, just really want to feel that excitement to see someone at the end of the day, and be able to have a discussion that we are both actually engaged in. It's wierd how you can be around someone everyday but still feel lonely....

Why are you on antidepressants, I mean it’s not a simple answer but, is it something else or your life in general.
Have you thought about talking therapy for yourself.

GotToBeMore. You are exhausted. Please go back to your doctor and discuss two things, a) your medication and should it be changed, and b) how you are feeling towards your husband.

@lowtide - I have been on anti depressants on and off since teen years, then had postnatal depression after first child. Combined with x2 skin cancer diagnosis in the past 4 years, birth of another child and being very ambitious career wise, I've just found I need them to cope.

I wouldn't say I'm 'depressed' as I love life, family and have big dreams... I just need them to balance out my overactive mind I guess. I also do yoga and boxing (when I have time, which is rare) to try and unwind.

Now that I think of it, maybe I should check with doc if there's something to help me just 'chill' rather than an anti-depressant.

Now you've told us more I can see you have had an enormous amount to deal with since your teenage years. Please give yourself a break. You are a good mother and wife with a great career. So many positives. Do talk with your doctor but also sit down and talk calmly with your husband. Good luck.

You’ve been through a lot. But perhaps it might be time to come off them. I am not a doctor obviously, but you say when you come off them you’re snappy, so you go back on them. But perhaps if you had talking therapy instead once a week it would help with your feelings.
I am only saying this from personal experience so no one shoot me down please! I just found I relied on them to normalise me. And it wasn’t really dealing with how I felt the way I did

@astronotus - thanks, I think I've just tried to balance so much that DH has fallen behind somewhere.

@lowtide - I have been to a few counselling sessions, and personally I struggle with it a bit. I don't know if it's the whole having to lay everything out on the table, or because I feel like I'm talking to myself sometimes (which I do in my mind anyway). I went to someone two weeks ago and don't think she was right for me. Going to try another.

Maybe, you're projecting a dissatisfaction rooted in tiredness, exhaustion, anger even...given everything you've been through recently, its perfectly understandable; particularly the not wanting intimacy bit. When you've had to shoulder burden after burden as you have, there's little if nothing left for ourselves and we can become empty vessels, totally withdrawn from giving, giving and giving yet again as if we've no right to feel royally pissed off with the life we're living and the sacrifices we're making for the greater good of the family and everyone else. And these days, it appears to be normal, expected even, that we exhaust ourselves willingly and happily and never complain.
Well. we don't.
We get, like you, sick to death of all the demands made.
And so, quite rightly, I detect an undercurrent of resentment here OP which I can personally relate to...particularly when you've pulled yourself and everyone else back from the brink of health/financial disaster and still.....yet more is expected/required.....its enough to send one off into the arms of the next dashing bloke on a white charger!
But seriously, take some time out for yourself, hand over more of the 'wife-work', get a new counsellor and above all else, be really really kind to yourself.
You deserve to be happy and you deserve to live a life that belongs to you and not everyone else.