help me understand my mum

[Babytalkobsession]

Hi,

I've been reading the thread about narc mum's, and it's got me thinking (again) about what the deal is with my mum and our relationship.

The positives traits are:
She's generous, we didn't want for things as kids and she pays for things like dc's school shoes once a year for all grandchildren.

If I need help with larger jobs like decorating, garden, moving house back in student days etc her & dad always helped. Often doing a full day's graft. Amazing help.

However, there are some traits that I just don't get now I'm a parent.

1. She has literally never said 'I love you', or hugged me as far as I can remember. I have no recollection of physical affection and actually feel a bit shuddery at the thought as it's so alien

1. She seems to not be able to be proud of my achievements (also my sister, strangely my bro & sil can do no wrong). Examples include, never praising school reports (but would often ask how it compares to x, y, z), no interest in my exams, uni or jobs. Doesn't know what I do & is surprised when I suggest I can help with her Excel problem (I'm an analyst)

1. It Feels like she wants to knock me down a peg, e.g. at wedding dress fitting I was unsure the rouching sat right and mum said 'for God's sake, no one will be looking at you' Er...I was the bride.

1. On wedding day, all hair make up done, dress on, dm walked in and basically didn't notice. She asked a mundane question about button holes, no 'wow you look lovely' moment. It's like she can't give me and recognition or praise.

1. I have a 4 year old & 2 year old. We have no help with them, and lately I've been finding it a huge struggle. I really need a break for a few hours. She says things like 'well we've all had children' and 'nobody helped me'. It's her choice not to help but I find it hard as she has by brother's Dc loads, so sil can do her hobby

Yet, when I was really poorly a few years back she stayed overnight to help with dc1, and when I had a migraine attack at her house recently she fetched me ice packs and went to the pharmacy and was very caring!

I just don't understand what she is! Is she a narc? She is incredibly absorbed in her own world and will ring just to tell me what she's done, where she's been. She'll know full well I'm overwhelmed and struggling to keep on top of things and ring to give me a blow by blow of all the cleaning she's done

Any thoughts or insight? I feel like our relationship is so lacking of any depth. Such a shame.

Hi OP,

an you say why youve posted this on it's own thread and not on the stately homes thread where you would get advice from other victims of narcissists?

Waiting you could be on to something there with her own self esteem issues. She definitely doesn't value her own opinion on things, and it seems this extends to me & my sis. Kind of 'what do we know about anything'.

She seems to default to men, which is why she bends over backwards to help db & his family but my sister & I should just get on with things and shouldn't need to receive praise.

NotTheFordType
She can post where she likes.

NottheFord, I wasn't referring to that thread.

I started my own thread because I was reading a thread about narcissistic things mothers do. It got me questioning whether my mother is narcissistic, or just says hurtful things sometimes. I ultimately care about her a lot, and I think she does me so I'm confused, hence starting the thread.

Out of interest, why does it matter to you if I start my own thread?

Your mother doesn't sound narcissistic. She sounds totally defended and unable to deal with the vulnerability of intimacy - so she will either avoid it, or criticise it when she sees it in others.

I think we're too quick to label, when, in reality, each person, narcissist and non-narcissist alike, is a person who is the way they are because of circumstances that were beyond their control at some point in their life.

This doesn't mean that you need to tolerate it, OP, but what you can do is decide how it's going to affect you, and what you want to do about it.

She sounds like my mum. I have a great mum. Not cuddly lovey dovey, takes the mick rather than give a compliment but is there for me whenever I need her. I'm lucky to have her. Your mum sounds great too

She sounds like my grandmother who raised me. Same with the wedding.

Google types of narcs on YouTube and see if you spot her. Mine is defiantly a martyr type that lets you know and makes you feel shit.

This is my mother to a tee....
watching with interest. I’ve always wondered too but feel conflicted....

I agree with Bettyboop and afistful

She does not sound like a narcissist to me

She actually sounds a lot like my own Mum who can be very thoughtful and generous in some ways but would never tell me she loved me or was proud of me.

I don't always understand her but as I've got older I do understand that she can't really help the way she is so I try not to be critical and try to appreciate her good qualities and not dwell on the aspects of her personality that I struggle to understand

@Bettyboop43 What a lovely thing to say.

I've had a google and Im clear she's not narcissistic.

She is great in many ways - there's just something not quite right with our relationship. And hers with my sister is the same.

I'm not unhappy, and don't feel I had an unhappy childhood, I just feel it's odd to be so distant in certain ways. It's something I'm really aware of now I have my own children. I suppose I just can't get my head around her inability to acknowledge our achievements or have anything good to say!

Reading the other thread just got me pondering really.

She's just a person with her own blend of personality traits, good, bad and indifferent. Sometimes she's kind. Sometimes thoughtless. Not everyone needs a label.

She might be a bit sexist. Some mums do more to help their sons than their daughters with domestic stuff.

Perhaps she keeps on with SIL because she's afraid of being shut out? Is he the golden child just for being a boy?

What I read from your OP is that she thinks you're ok. And that she doesn't want to praise you as she worries you will be less able and independent.

Also that she cares deeply for you and that she shows it rather than says it, in her own way.

I think she is different to SIL because that is not her child so expectations are different, she is allowed to be less able and need more help than you

I do think it’s narc not to be able to tell your child on there wedding day how lovely/nice they look

Seems like intimacy and praise are hard for her, but she is a good mum. She’s the product of her upbringing, do you know what her childhood was like?

I do think she's sexist. Db is definitely the golden child, because he is male and also because he is in the family business (there was never any suggestion me or dsis could do that as it's a 'male' industry )

Dm will always trust a man's opinion. If my bro says jump, she says how high. Men get served first at family meals - they are the 'workers' and must be hungry. This is all exactly as she was brought up so it's just all she knows I guess.

I do agree there's little point in labelling, or trying to label. I'm very lucky to have her. It just stings a bit sometimes.

You mum sounds lovely like a narracist.

She’s generous (to overcompensate for her behaviour).

She’s lacks physical and emotional love & support.

She can’t compliment you, even in your own wedding day.

You should read the following to see if your mother has any naraccistic traits: parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

This is my mum also, although it’s one of the younger ds that gets the praise, compliments ect. I don’t understand it either and try to ignore it as much as possible. My dm can also be very spiteful towards me but i don’t accept it anymore and she has calmed it down. It still happens occasionally. No advice just recognition

A lot is probably due to her own family background. A lot of that generation never learned how to express love. They were afraid of praising their kids in case they got above themselves. I see no badness in her just lack of know how. She can learn from you as your generation is more open. So you saying l love you etc can teach her.
My dm was in her 80s when l had to help her into bed every night through disability. Every night l tucked her in like my own dc , kissed her and told her l loved her. She had been like your dm. Gradually she began to respond. She never had that from her parents who were good kind people but too busy surviving to have time for comforting and expressing love.
Accept her as she is and give her what she lacks.

My understanding is that ‘narc’ is a broad set of behaviours/characteristics. It’s usually a bit simplistic (but often satisfying!) to label someone with one word. Also, as a pp said, the category has been broken up into various subtypes.

I prefer to think of us all having some characteristics of ‘types’.

My mother is very similar to your description. The best tip I can give you, after a lifetime of trying to figure out how her parenting could be so hit n miss is to look very carefully at the parenting SHE got from your grandparents.

Also some can be explained by the majority culture having changed- for instance it was very common to play down kids’ achievements as it was thought to encourage laziness if you praised them (ie, they’d stop trying to do better, get further). In its twisted way, it was seen as a loving thing to do.

Another resource for you might be the 5 Love Languages. It discusses how we communicate our love to other people, and how we assume our preferred method is the same as theirs. For instance, your mum IS saying ‘I love you’ by performing acts of service (the working bees). That doesn’t mean you are getting enough help, though.

I’ve decided that in order to not get angry at my mum, I need to curb communications quite a bit. Listening to her drone on about the minutae of her (empty) day for 45 minutes, while she’s aware how much I desperately need ‘hands on’ help isn’t good for my mental health. I cut it short, fairly politely, and get on with my day. It’s not a punishment, it’s a practicality. Also, you know, she made the rules of this ‘we don’t need each other emotionally’ policy, let her live by them.

I definitely agree that some of it is generational. My parents both seem to think it's important not to get ideas above your station etc. Parenting advice is all about praise effort now. A decade ago it was praising results.

Labelling people as narcissists is very fashionable on mn just now.