Your first love vs all the rest

[Whiskeyjar]

I wanted to ask this to see if this is normal or not as it's something I've thought about but never been able to ask anyone in RL. I also feel incredibly guilty when I think about it for too long 🙈 When you compare your first real love to the love you feel with your current partner/husband/wife - do you feel the same intensity?

My first love was when I was 17 and we were together 5 years. I had the over whelming hit by a bus feeling when I started to fall for him and the absolute heartache I felt when we finally split up was one of he worst times of my life. Fast forward ten years and I met my now husband - the most kind, thoughtful, loving man I've ever known. We have been together four years and have two children and I love him so much but when I compare the two I just feel like that first time was so much more intense and feel guilty that I've never had that level of 'obsession' with him (yes I would say I was totally obsessed with my first love 😖)

Maybe this is down to the difference in age when I met these two people - hormones, how insecure I may have been then compared to settled I am now etc or maybe the first time will always be a one of that you'll never feel again...?

I want to add I'm totally happy in my marriage lol! Just something I've always wondered 🤓

Mine was an emotional rollercoaster for the whole 20 months from age 17-18 (he was 19-21). We split up when I went to uni and then got back together for a short period when I was in my second year. I've since realised he was extremely emotionally abusive and it has taken me some time to get my head around that. I think it still affects me in some ways, even 16 years on. The good times were great but I spent the whole time worrying I would do or say the wrong thing, and worrying what kind of a mood he'd be in that day. He had bi-polar disorder but I think he also had narcissistic personality disorder too. I'm so glad to be free of it all.

With my DH, I knew he was the one from the moment I met him. We've had our ups and downs but ultimately we both want our marriage to work so we work at it. It's steady and predictable and safe, and it's everything I want.

Hmmm well I've only been in love 3 times.

1st love: Lovely most of the time but violent occasionally, I had done judo and jujitsu from the age of 8 and she was a county level swimmer. She was strong and when she started punching and kicking I had to restrain her so that she didn't injure me. At the time I didn't realise that her violent temper was abusive. I dated her for about 4 years, ended when she's been away at Uni for a little over a year.

2nd love: Mates told me she was ugly, gay friends told me that she was proof that I'm not 100% straight as she looked like a bloke I didn't think so I thought she looked great. She was a little younger than me, we laughed a lot, sex was awesome, we dated for about 6 months, it was a great 6 months she was on a gap year. When she went to Uni we both decided to call it quits as we'd both been in long distance relationships and didn't want to do it again. Rose tinted glasses but I sometimes wonder how that might have worked out if we had struggled through the distance thing.

3rd Love: Became DW we've had some great times and some awful ones. She admits that she is controlling but is working on it. She spent many years resenting the fact that I didn't want a 3rd child and the way I handled it at the time, I hold my hands up that, in hindsight, I could have been a far better husband. Only now that she's menopausal are we rebuilding our relationship but when its good its awesome. We have 2 kids that are my world but they are close to flying the nest. Whether we will survive them doing so is still not 100% certain.

I also (before love 2) had a 6 week long relationship where a woman apparently fell in love with me but the feeling was not mutual. A few years ago she contacted me out of the blue via FB, apparently I was her 1st love and she hinted that she still had feelings etc. etc. It was a little flattering but a lot creepy IMO. Life had been a little unkind to her and I felt sorry for her but after a polite exchange where I talked almost exclusively about my wife and kids she stopped messaging.

I met my first love at 18. We broke up 6 months later and I can’t even describe the heartache.

We got back together a few years ago (now late 20s) and happier than ever

No man ever compared to him. I had strong feelings for somebody else in that time but it was no where near the same as DP. I don’t know what I’d do if we broke up, I couldn’t imagine being with someone and not having that passion...

I “accidentally” fb stalked my first love a while ago. Was really weird to see them loving a life I would have hated. It was many moons ago that we dated but we had a burning hot connection where it felt like our lives were totally in sync. Now we have very little in common, as it should be, but was strange to see just how different they were from me now.

Loopy says Obsession / immaturity isn’t love.

I disagree. I am sure I felt love on my teens. It's quite different to love in my 30s and 40s, but love nonetheless.

I had the greatest experience with my first love. He taught me kindness,we were both 18 and I still look back with fondness for him, we both now have families and I know he taught me how to love 😍 Thank you Martin xxx

I did have very intense feelings for my first love, but subsequent loves were more of a fit.

I got married to someone I didn't feel intensely enough about and we got divorced, which I still feel guilty about. I was happy, but it was too safe.

I don't believe in the one for life now. I believe there are many people you can form bonds of varying intensity with. And I believe humans are designed to change partners throughout their lives.

Still with my first love. Hope he never becomes a memory x

The 'one who got away' is the only one that passes through my brain from time to time. He still (in my brain) is the most beautiful man to walk the earth. I know if I ever bumped into him I would go a different shade of red and probably tell him just how beautiful he is!

First was intense, head over heels obsession.
Second was more stable until we grew apart.
This one is like a mix of the two and is my favourite and hopefully my last.

My first, I was 16 he was 40, didn't last long, but my belly did somersaults every time I saw him. He moved away and it broke my heart. We had a mutual friend so I knew he'd married and had a son.

He walked back into my life in May, 27 years later, as soon as I saw him my belly was doing somersaults again! Rather naughtily we had an affair. I'm glad I didn't marry him though, I'm happy with my long term partner even though he never gave me butterflies.

See Im a little different, I look back on my first love with wiser adult eyes!
We weren't together long but I was absolutely crazy about him and as I got older I did realise it had been love not just a teenage infatuation! I always compare the intensity I fell with anyone I was with after that. But I think as I got older I realised how the intensity is from the FIRST, FIRST of most things i think feels worsr. Heartbreak , embarrassment etc.
But I think love is different dependingon the person you are with. I love my husband, and I knew he was the one because the love felt slower, deeper, stronger rather than that initial intensity that is a memory.

Wasfat - that's grooming....

I married and had a child with my first love. It was an intense, passionate and toxic relationship.

Honestly nothing will compare to what we had together even though we were never right for each other. The intensity of your first love and the innocence of it is what I think I will never achieve again sadly.

Mind you I have not fallen in love again so may eat my words one day!

I think your first love is the most special in your heart because you’re experiencing everything for the first time, the excitement is unmatched. Luckily I married my first love and I was his. We have the best relationship of anyone I know.

Yeah i was definitely in love massively with dp probably more than my first love, but i do have a tendency to obsess.
Funilly enough i didnt get this limerence with my exhusband.
My first love it was very one sided but with me and dp we both felt the same way.