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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and baby’s father is ignoring me.

21 replies

Millieabi1 · 16/08/2018 17:15

First time posting here - I’ll try and keep it brief.

Been with my current partner 2.5 years and found out I was pregnant with our first child about 4 weeks ago. He seemed over the moon. I was pretty shocked it had him happened so quickly but was happy too- we had spoke about trying for a baby and I had literally just come off my pill, we thought it would take a few months at least.

I have 2 children from a previous relationship also.

We had a big argument about a week and a half ago. He didn’t speak to me for days, blocked me, said some really nasty things to me.

Because he had blocked me I sent him an email asking if we could talk as I’m a bit concerned by his behaviour and how I’m going to cope with another child if this is what he does when we have an argument. This was 3 days ago. Still no reply. Still no contact. Nothing. So I sent another email explaining I’m seriously considering a termination as I don’t think I can cope with 3 kids on my own both emotionally and financially. I told him I’ve made a doctors appointment (which I have) and I would like us to have an in depth talk before I go as it’s his baby as well and I obviously want him to have a say in what happens with the pregnancy but if he doesn’t want to talk that’s his choice and I’ll have to make the decision on my own. Again, nothing. I’m going to the doctors in the morning and I’m asking to be referred for a termination. Do I contact him again to tell him or just leave it as it is?

OP posts:
killemwithkindness · 16/08/2018 17:52

I don't really have any advice but didn't want to read and run, sorry you are going through this Thanks

I think you've been very fair trying to contact him, do you think he thinks you're serious about the appointment? Is there any chance he genuinely might not have got your emails? - not that that in anyway excuses him for vanishing on you like that

LeroyJenkins · 16/08/2018 17:57

I think you need to talk to him face to face, you can't rely on emails they're too easy to miss.

But!! you also need to think about your life without him as if he sounds a bit flaky

Original poster
Millieabi1 · 16/08/2018 18:00

Thanks. I doubt he hasn’t got my emails. I know he checks his emails regularly. I’m just at a loss. I want to speak to him about what role he would play in the baby’s life as I know I won’t be able to cope with a 3rd child on my own, especially financially. Plus I don’t have a support network who could help me with a new baby.

But if I don’t talk with him, I’m just going to have to assume he will play no part in the baby’s life. I need to put my other 2 DC first and feel like I’ll have no other choice but to terminate the pregnancy

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 16/08/2018 18:01

Personally I think you are doing the right thing.

Let's say he hasn't got the emails. He still has been an absolute twat and it isn't the time to be challenging your relationship with a DC. Fine if you can going alone but it doesn't sound like that's on the cards at the moment.
If things turn around, great, reconsider in 9-12 months after you have had some stability and evidence that this won't always be his way of coping with an argument.

Do you live together? Does he have DC?

Original poster
Millieabi1 · 16/08/2018 18:01

@LeroyJenkins I really want to talk to him face to face but he’s blocked me from everything

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 16/08/2018 18:02

Fine if you can go it alone** oops

Original poster
Millieabi1 · 16/08/2018 18:03

No we don’t live together - although we’re planning on getting a bigger place at the end of the year (I would need to sell my place first, he rents so no big deal to him) he doesn’t have any children of his own

OP posts:
BloodyDisgrace · 16/08/2018 18:08

You've done the right thing by him. I think it's best you put yourself first now.

Ariclock · 16/08/2018 18:13

I think that he's being a complete coward op. In your position I would abort as I don't think he has any intention of supporting you and the child. I'm sorry that he's turned out to be such an arsehole but at least he's showing his true colours now whilst you can still do something Flowers

StressedToTheMaxx · 16/08/2018 18:15

I think you now need to make the decision for you and your dc. If he returned to you would you trust him not to leave you and the children again?
If it is likely he has seen your emails, then it doesn't show him in a reliable light if you where to split and co parent.
I really am sending my best wishes to you OP. You really are in an awful position. Make sure you are 100% if/before you go through with anything. Good luck Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/08/2018 18:17

If he's blocked you everywhere; he's probably blocked you on his email too. I have; the only time I've blocked someone.

I think you need to make plans as if he's not around; incase he doesn't come back - or if he does, incase he does this again.

ItWasAlIADream · 16/08/2018 18:23

You cant have this baby thinking he will be around. he wont. hes shown that. to block you on everything says that. You can rely on him or hes word. Only have this baby if your prepared to be alone.

ChortleFace88 · 16/08/2018 18:24

He has shown you that he is not mature enough to be a father.

Either have a termination, or be prepared to raise this baby without a father.

ElseaMoon · 16/08/2018 18:24

Find him and talk face to face. Doesn't he have relatives?

cheesydoesit · 16/08/2018 18:46

Sorry OP, it sounds like a shite situation but I think you are making the right decision. He doesn't sound reliable at all. You've done your best to contact him; it's not your fault he's been a disappointing and immature shithead and blocked all lines of communication. Why should you go chasing after him to give him the benefit of the doubt when his actions have led to this? Even if he were to come back, you would find it hard to trust him again, especially in the chaos of the newborn months. I think you are being really brave and honest and prioritising your existing children by having a termination.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 16/08/2018 18:49

I honestly would not have a baby with this man.

Given your circumstances I would not keep this baby but instead wait for the right guy to have a family with if it’s whst you still want

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/08/2018 19:05

Tbh, ending the pregnancy is the best choice here. You've given him two chances, assume he has checked out.

Lollypop19 · 16/08/2018 19:08

I was in a similar position - I continued with the pregnancy secretly hoping he would have a change of heart or change once the baby was born - didn’t happen, and it’s been hellish at times to put it lightly. I don’t regret my choice but If I was ever in the same position again I’d lean towards termination. Good luck OP x

MrPebbles · 16/08/2018 19:56

No matter what this man tells you - whether that's tonight or in a weeks time. He is not and will never be father material.

You'll be on your own with a new baby or worse have him dipping in and out of your life causing havoc as and when he chooses.

LeroyJenkins · 16/08/2018 20:20

@Millieabi1 you seem to have your head screwed on properly, and you are seeing the real picture, keep your apt, he has time to catch you if he wants to, and if he is acting like this now, then it is unlikely to get any better

Best of luck with whatever you decide, and What ever you decide is the right thing!!

Original poster
Millieabi1 · 16/08/2018 22:01

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice Flowers heads still a bit wonky but I know I have to put my DC first, they are my priority

OP posts:
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