Honest opinions, please

[mummydoit]

Some background info. I'm a SAHM. DH works long hours and has a long commute so I don't expect him to lift a finger in the house during the week. I am happy to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. DH is only home for around 1 hour per day when the boys are awake so I prefer him to spend that hour with them rather than on household chores. However, DH expects the same at weekends. He cooks a meal on Sunday but, apart from that, I still do the rest of the cooking and the housework. Plus all the gardening, decorating, taking car to be serviced, putting rubbish out, etc, etc. We've argued about this on and off for four years but it never gets resolved and I do feel put upon and unappreciated.

Since Christmas, things have got worse. DH was diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing chemo. He's doing well and not suffering too badly with side-effects. He has a three week cycle of treatment and tends to feel tired and poorly during the first week but okay for the other two. He's working full time two out of three weeks and, in the past month or two, has started socialising again. He seems to be coping well but he's one of those men who bottles things up and won't talk so I don't really know his true feelings.

I'm finding it hard to cope. Emotionally, I've never felt so much stress. I worry about DH and what will happen in the future. I'm torn between caring for him and trying to keep things normal for the boys. Every day there are conflicts. I like to give him a lift to the station in the morning so he doesn't get tired walking but sometimes the boys are still asleep and I have to wake them which they don't like. Who do I put first? A sick husband or two small children? Practically speaking, I'm sinking. Having DH at home for one week out of three throws the routine out, plus he spends one day in hospital which is a whole day out of the house for all of us. I get behind with the housework and stuff and struggle to catch up. I'm short-tempered because I'm so stressed and then I feel guilty because I shout at the boys so I feel a failure as a mother.

We had a big row about this yesterday. I got angry with DH because I was struggling to get the house tidy and, to be honest, a lot of the mess was his. He sat watching TV the whole day while I worked like a skivvy.
I know this all sounds so incredibly trivial. My DH has cancer and I'm worried about the washing up but there's so much more to it than that. I feel put-upon, unappreciated and unloved. I've told him this, many times over the years, and he doesn't change. He says it's only housework, I say it's the lack of respect and care for me that his attitude shows. I thought his illness might bring us closer together but the stress of it is the final straw for me and I really feel like I'm drowning. I don't want him to do anything major. Just put his shoes away and put his dishes in the dishwasher. Small things and nothing that would tire him, plus I wouldn't expect him to do anything at all the week he feels poorly.

So, thank you for reading all the way through this and honest answers, please. Am I justified in pursuing this and insisting on some consideration or am I being selfish and should I shut up and put up?

If you want my honest advice,

I think you need to try and stop worrying so much about keeping the house tidy and concentrate on your dh and his illness.
I know how hard it is when your left to do everything. I work part time, have a 1 year old, im 12 weeks pregnant and still have to do everything as my dp just does nothing basically.
I think that as long as youve done what really needs doing then just leave the rest and spend the time with your family. Ive started to realise that theres so much more important things to worry about in life than trying to keep a tidy house.

Poor you. It sounds unbearable.

As a first step, could you get someone in to clean once in a while? Would give you a break, and a clean house. What about some sort of mother's help or au pair? Sounds like you need practical help so you can deal with the emotional turmoil.

So sorry you're going through this and for your dh having cancer, I hope he makes a full recovery. Personally I wouldn't want to cause him any stress right now as he is going through an awful thing and the treatment isn't very nice at all. I wouldn't worry about the housework, don't try to do too much the house won't fall apart if it's not tidied every day. I would get the kids up early, same time every day so they get used to it and explain why you need to give daddy a lift, they should know about consideration for others by example.

It would be nice for your dh to make you feel more appreciated but I don't think now is the right time to bring it up. He must be so scared of what is going to happen to him and to you all as a family. Try not to worry about the little things as they really are of no consequence in the long run. Once you're through all his treatment then you could talk to him about how you feel but I wouln't do it yet. I would try and get him to open up about his feelings though, it might help.

Sounds like you need help. If you have a child under 5 you may be entitled to home help. Whatever you need doing. I think it's run by surestart. i'll check for you. I do agree with what jodieg says though.

Can you book a taxi to get him to the station?

Could any of the cancer charities help with transport or a homehelp? Im sure some of them assist with things like that, or at least with funding.

Does his clinic have a Macmillan nurse or a social worker who could advise? You shouldnt have to bear the whole burden.

And agree that a tidy house is the last thing you should be worrying aboutin the meantime.

is there anyway you could have someone clean the house once a week - all the difficult jobs?

You are caring for your family & need some caring for you as well

I appreciate what you all say about not stressing so much about housework. Believe me, I've cut back an awful lot and am really only doing the essential stuff to put food on the table, clothes on our backs and stop the house being a health hazard! Stuff that I used to do regularly like window cleaning just hasn't been touched since Christmas. A cleaner would be lovely but not sure we can afford it.

A bit of amateur self-analysis here. I think I focus on the practical stuff as it's something I can control. Sort of. DH's illness and the future are out of my hands but I can sweep floors and put stuff away so it gives me some sort of feeling of being in control. The trouble is, when it gets on top of me, I start to feel out of control and helpless. Not sure if that makes any sense.

As for the emotional stuff, in the past I've gone through periods of wondering whether DH and I should really be together as he doesn't seem to love me or care for me. Before it was my choice to stay and keep trying. Now I feel trapped because what kind of heartless bitch would I be if I left a poor bloke with cancer? Deep down, I really don't want to leave him and I do love him but it's back to those feelings of being helpless.

I just wanted to offer some support if not advice. My brother was diagnosed with cancer four years ago and they have two young children. It has been tough for the whole family but in a way I think it has been tougher on SIL than anyone, even my brother. I know that sounds strange - he is the one dealing with this life-threatening condition but she has had to shoulder such a huge emotional and practical burden that I have watched her coping skills stretched to the limit.
Cut yourself some slack, you are doing a terrific job in difficult circumstances. It sounds like perhaps you are displacing some of your very real fears and worries on to less important matters as a way of distraction yourself from the bigger issues. I don't know if you can afford this, but one thing that I know helped my SIL enormously was having a cleaner who took a lot of the burden of housework of her shoulders. DB's work was also wonderful, they took up a collection for him and used it to pay for weekly food packages from a local caterer.
I'm not suggesting that these are necessarily options that are available to you, but the principle was really that some of the burden of practical stuff was taken away from SIL. I think that is what you need too. As for whether you are justified in looking for this help from your husband - I don't think you are being selfish, but I do think you need to address it in a different way. You are placing huge demands on yourself and when you fail to measure up you get angry. I'm no psychologist but it is at least possible that you are also subconsciously angry at your DH because of his illness and your fears about the future. Then you express this anger by blaming him for not pulling his weight at home.
Try to be kind to yourself - you are coping incredibly well with a really tough situation.

Rosa, you talk an awful lot of sense. I'm reading your post thinking, 'yes, that's exactly it'. The thing you're spot on with is that I am angry with DH. He's suffered with acid reflux for years and refused to see a doctor. Then, when he started to get sick, he still refused to go. In the end, I had to make the appointment and force him to go. The delay meant that his cancer had spread and is inoperable, thus reducing his chance of a cure to pretty much zero. All they can do is prolong his life as much as possible. The long-term acid reflux can be a factor in his type of cancer so I do feel angry that the fact that he neglected his health has made everything worse. I can hardly turn round to him, though, and say 'you've brought this on yourself' so maybe I'm finding other ways of being angry with him. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

Poor, poor you. Life sounds very hard at present.

I quite understand that you want a clean, tidy house. I'm afraid that I don't really agree with those posters who advise you to cut back a lot on housework. Having a nice home is a critical part of one's well-being, more particularly so when life is stressful.

Your husband sounds to be the kind of man who had very little idea of how hard you were working to maintain a nice home even before he was ill, and now he is ill he expects even more of a nanny service than before. You are not being selfish - he is. But now he is ill is not the right time to tackle this issue or get him to change his ways.

Try, if you can, to get some outside free/cheap help with the chores. You really deserve all the help you can get.

mummydoit. I'm afraid I'm am useless at links. However if you have a little time. Goggle Community service volunteers. They will help. whatever needs doing. cleaning, cooking a meal, taking DC to a park.

Thanks, Anna. I know that perhaps I shouldn't care so much about the house but I'm one of those people who can't relax in a mess. Also, the thing with living with canceer is that you can't focus on it all the time. It's too big. You have to put it to the back of your mind and live life normally as much as you can otherwise you'd go mad. If I let the house go, it would just be a constant reminder that things aren't normal. DH is coming to the end of his chemo and will hopefully then be in remission so perhaps I need to put this on hold and speak to him in a couple of months when the pressure is off.

Thanks, Sixer. I'll look into that and also Homestart which someone else suggested.

I don't agree that you shouldn't care so much about the house. Having a lovely house is a real comfort, even more so in times of stress. I cannot bear living in chaos, it makes me miserable and unable to cope with the rest of life's challenges, and I don't have nearly as many as you do today.

Can you save time and energy at all by getting more shopping delivered? Could you get a window cleaner in as a one-off?

You probably do need to speak to your husband, if only to ask him to clear up after himself and not expect you to wait on him.

Window cleaner is a good idea. He does the outsides anyway so I could ask him to do inside as well. Thought about shopping delivery but the supermarket is the only place locally with can and plastic recycling facilities and I tend to drop off the recycling when I do the shopping. I'd still have to drive there for that otherwise the recycling would take over the house! Wish our council would get their act together and do more kerbside collections but that's another rant altogether.

Another thing I think you really need to try and schedule in is slot of time for yourself, once a week. Appreciate that your DH is sick but (presumably) not so sick he couldn't keep an eye on the kids for an hour or so? then you go out, leaving him and DCs behind and go and do whatever you like best: swim, windowshopping, lunch with a friend, sit in the park or even just go and have a cup of tea in a cafe by yourself and read the papers.
You are doing really well in horribly hard circumstances, but you cannot function without a little scrap of self-care, you really can't.

That is good advice. I'm not getting the whole days off I used to get at weekends and I really miss that time to myself. DH does keep telling me there's no reason why he can't love after the boys for a few hours but I have reservations. He's had a couple of epileptic seizures recently and I'm concerned he might have one while I'm out which would be very scary for the boys. However, I could go out for an hour or two in the evening once the boys are asleep. I love swimming so that would be a good thing to do.