This is my first post, so hello everyone!
I'll keep it as short as I can, but it's a complicated situation so apologies for the length. It's a bit of a page-turner, so I'd put the kettle on!
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We met nearly 16 years ago. We had a really deep connection though we're quite different on the surface. Both professionals with what became Big Jobs - long hours etc. We agree that we supported one another to become really successful.
In 2014 we had our son and moved about 60 miles north to be closer to my family (his live over 400 miles away).
He then started his own business with a former female colleague. We were trying for our second at the time. I asked him to wait before doing the new co. I had this awful feeling that it would stretch us to breaking point. He went ahead, wouldn't talk to me about it, thought I was just 'anti'. He travelled a lot with work, round the world, staying away up to 50% of his time.
We had our second (daughter) in November 2017. Around then, he saw a solicitor about getting divorced, but didn't go ahead. He left on another work trip less than 24 hours after she was born and was away for almost all of December. I was exhausted, we were snowed in, it was just horrible.
Over Christmas, he told me that he thought we were over but wasn't sure whether to try to sort things out or divorce. I knew we'd lost the spark, but hey we were under so much pressure...I thought this was the bit we had to grit our teeth to get through.
I was diagnosed with PND not long after. Looking back, I think it was more than that. I was paranoid, anxious, couldn't sleep...I was suicidal at times. We had a lot of arguments. He became more and more distant. He wanted me to go onto anti-depressants, which I did. His parents have never liked me and I think they encouraged him to leave. His 'co-founder' decided I was 'toxic'. He left, in May, after another horrible argument. Children are now 3 1/2 and 8m.
He's been renting a room, has been totally absorbed in his business. He travels a helluva lot, is totally exhausted. Claims to miss the children, but seldom asks how they are. I've been trying to keep talking, sending pictures of children etc.
We started relationship counselling in the Spring. It really helped us to understand why we each behaved as we did, to communicate much better. He admits he has been all over the place, seriously struggling day to day. He has been on medication for borderline personality disorder for about a year, which he says helps. He says he feels sad all the time, can't enjoy life...
Then in June I discovered that he was dating women online. He rushed back to Oxford after a counselling session, to take one to the theatre. I mean FFS. He insisted it was just a friend and that's all he was looking for. I found out through a friend of mine, who had seen his profile, that he was looking for a long-term relationship.
When confronted, he insisted 'we've separated; I'm single'. I don't see how 'we' can have separated when I didn't want that - I thought we were still trying to work things out, but with him staying away for a while to stop the arguments...
He said he'd stopped. Then, in July, he met another woman - divorced - and started sleeping with her about 2 weeks ago. She knows he's married with children. Nice lady (!)
I saw him on Saturday. He looked terrible. He's going away now for a week, completely alone, to try to sort his head out. I've begged him not to see this 'lady' again before he goes. She's the last thing he needs. I pity her. She sounds hurt, lonely and probably desperate for company. (Yes, I'm also devastated/angry/want her to go and stand in the sea, etc). He's all of those things too. He has few close friends/family.
He is starting to recognise that he's in the middle of a breakdown. He is seriously depressed, says everything in his life is going wrong and he doesn't know what to do. He's seeing a psychiatrist today. I'm trying to offer as much support as I can, he's in a mess.
I don't know where our relationship can go after this. I don't know whether I can trust him again. I do still love him, but so much respect has gone. Do I put this 'affair' down to a breakdown? Do I close the door and move on? I'm putting the children front and centre. They need a father who is well, so I feel I have to support him right now. Myself, I feel like I'm in a good place now, keeping the show on the road. Children are happy, though son knows Daddy has gone away and hates it when he comes in and goes again.
He thinks he'll come back from his holiday having decided whether he wants us to keep trying. Am I an idiot for letting this drag on? Sorry for the great long post. Any advice/support/experience very welcome.