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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not missing dh at all.

21 replies

mamaduckbone · 16/08/2018 11:10

Dh has been working away for the last 2 weeks, staying with his sister.

We’re going up there today to pick him up. The dcs are so excited to see him and I’m not at all.

He suffers from quite severe anxiety and depression, doesn’t have a regular job and although we do still have lots to talk about and things in common, and prior to him being away we had a really lovely holiday, I just don’t really want him to come back.

It’s been so chilled in our house without him. I hadn’t realised how exhausting he is.

I’m hoping that when I see him I’ll be pleased. It’s our anniversary tomorrow and we’re going out for dinner. I know he’s really looking forward to it and don’t want to spoil it by being grumpy, but I really can’t be bothered. I just want to stay here for the rest of the summer doing as I please.

Is this normal?! He’s never been away like this before and I’ve loved it so much that I’ve scared myself a bit.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 16/08/2018 11:13

It sounds peaceful without him. It's good to have time apart, but you can get used to your own space and easy life when they're away.

Yogagirl123 · 16/08/2018 11:18

A friend of mine felt like this when her husband went away on holiday for a week or so, I have never seen her so happy, they are divorcing now. Sorry if it’s not what you want to hear, to be fair her marriage had been dead for many years before.

HollowTalk · 16/08/2018 11:20

Sometimes it can be such a relief being on your own that you realise that the way you were living was really bad for you. It sounds as though that's what's happened to you.

Loopytiles · 16/08/2018 11:21

It’s telling you that you have relationship problems, and that you’re unhappy.

How long has he been out of regular work? Is he doing everything he can to help his MH and (if you’ve agreed he should return to employment) get a job? Are you OK with the current split of earning and domestic work/parenting?

Teaandcrisps · 16/08/2018 11:22

Sounds like you have had time to be yourself and have self-care time? What is that you aren't looking forward to about his return?

Paddley · 16/08/2018 11:29

Be aware though, 2 weeks apart when you know it's not permanent is not the same as never seeing them again. It's a much needed break.

Missing them can hit you when you least expect it. Not always of course.

FiestaThenSiesta · 16/08/2018 11:36

Oddly, I don’t miss what’s not there. So I won’t “miss” a person who is gone but once they’re back and we’re doing something... it’ll hit me how much I’ve missed them.

category12 · 16/08/2018 11:39

Maybe it's a wake-up call that life could be quite different.

broccolicheesebake · 16/08/2018 11:40

I was like this with exdh. Dreaded him coming back from work, loved it when he went away. We had huge issues though and are now divorced!

ScienceIsTruth · 16/08/2018 13:04

I never miss either my dc or my husband when they're away. For context, my 2dc went to stay with grandparents for 6 weeks last year and we didn't really keep in touch that much and I didn't miss them at all.
I think that's just me though, I know I'm going to see them again, so to me it doesn't make sense to waste time missing them. I'm also used to my own company.

Sorry, that's probably no help. I would say in your case that it suggests you've enjoyed the break, and not having so much stress. Whether or not that means you want it to be more permanent only you can decide.

thecatsarecrazy · 16/08/2018 13:23

My dh was in hospital one night the other week and i didn't miss him. . I would have done once but I've realized we live pretty much separate lives in the same house. I sat talking to a friend on f.b messenger. Watched you tube and went to bed.

userxx · 16/08/2018 13:30

ScienceIsTruth - wow!! My life would have been so much easier if I had a bit of your attitude.

ScienceIsTruth · 16/08/2018 15:03

userxx, lol. I think it doesn't help that I have chronic pain and 1 of my dc's has Aspergers (as do I) and is pretty full on when here, so I'm always glad of the break.

Original poster

mamaduckbone · 16/08/2018 21:55

loopy - all the things you mention are an issue and need addressing. It has been a practical solution for dh to be a SAHD but it has never been exactly what I’ve wanted.

Paddley I think —hope— you’re right. It was definitely a well-needed break and I’d like it to happen more often, especially in the school holidays as I’m a teacher and see it as my time with the dcs .

I don’t think there are major major issues in our relationship as in I’m generally content and we do have good times, he’s a good dad and doesn’t do anything awful or abusive, but there are certainly things we need to sort out.

I’m pleased to see him and irritated by him in equal measure at the moment but we’re still at DSIL’s and will be for the weekend. The kids are pleased to see him though.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 16/08/2018 22:21

Right, so lots for you to feel angry and worried about.

If you’re not OK with him being AH, he should seek a job.

scottishdiem · 16/08/2018 22:26

You'll miss him when the kids need to be cared for and you are still in school. Or at least miss the fact that he cares for the kids whilst you are at work. As someone else noted, its one thing to have a couple of weeks break. Its another to be permanently apart. And what would the kids think of your choice?

Mental health is hard to deal with so perhaps see what more can be done for him to get better? Then you might feel more chilled as well.

Original poster

mamaduckbone · 16/08/2018 22:28

Yep - this is essentially the only big issue in our relationship. The main reason I’ve been so happy these last 2 weeks is because usually he’s Always. There.

OP posts:

NadiaLeon · 16/08/2018 22:33

Please be compassionate. He has severe mental illness. In sickness and health. You'll come out of it.

Loopytiles · 16/08/2018 22:44

Lots and lots of people, me included, have mental health issues and WoH.

SAH can be bad for MH for some. And MH issues can affect parenting.

Even if her H would prefer to SAH, OP’s - and the DCs’ - needs and wishes matter too.

Many people are unwilling to be the sole earner.

OP also implies that her H isn’t taking steps to improve his health.

dotdashdot · 16/08/2018 23:01

I've been away from my husband for 6 weeks. Don't really miss him when we're apart but it's because I just find it easier to get on with it than thinking about him all the time. I only realist I've missed him at all when we get back in to a routine. Even the kids don't really miss him that much when he's not there but once he's back they absolutely love it.

Original poster

mamaduckbone · 18/08/2018 16:27

We had a lovely evening out for our anniversary last night. As I said before we have lots in common and get on really well still after 16 years.

It’s just such hard work day to day. I have oodles of compassion for his mh issues - I’ve been living with them for the last 7 years - but unfortunately they manifest in extreme twitchiness about everything, and inability to decision make, which can be extremely exhausting and irritating and feel a little like having an extra child who needs placating.

Hey ho. Back home to reality and normality tomorrow and I’ll be back at work soon so as a pp said I will of course be very grateful for dh’s presence and we’ll barely see each other until the next holiday.

OP posts:

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