Feel like a single mum

[NewmumCB]

Hello everyone, first time doing anything like this and first time I'll of spoken openly about the way I feel, so apologies if it's a bit of a rant. Here goes...

I have a beautiful 6 month old baby - my absolute world. The baby was planned and we tried for a number of years before we were lucky enough to fall pregnant. First 2 weeks after baby was born were amazing, partner was attentive and supportive. Everything felt perfect. Then a couple of months in it was apparent that I was doing literally everything. Partner works 5 days a week and is out of house for about 12 hours a day so I do spend a lot of time on my own with the baby (which I don't begrudge) and I understand that he's tired when he comes home. But so am I. I'm exhausted. But still, I do everything for the baby even when he's home.

If he does see to the baby, he gives him to me at the first sign of any crying or upset. He can't seem to handle him unless he's smiling and laughing and doesn't seem to really understand that I've had him all day every day and if he cries, I have to just get on with it. Like he should. Surely that's all part of having a baby?!! I did all the night feeds, even of a weekend. Partner did the odd one, but again if the baby wouldnt settle - it'd be down to me. He stays in the spare room all week so that his sleep isn't disturbed for work and I just feel so alone. I feel like we were so excited for our new life when we got pregnant, but now it's here it's just nothing like what I envisioned and i just feel like a single mum majority of the time.

I've tried talking to him about how I feel, but he gets really defensive about the fact he goes to work and feels like I'm calling him a bad father. When that's not the case. I just need more support and don't know what to do

People get really pissed off when you say you feel like a single parent when you're not.

I personally find being a single parent much easier than being in a relationship with a useless lazy prick. At least when you are a single parent you don't get worked up about someone not helping when they should be. The only real downside I found to being a single parent was the lack of someone to talk to on a night and someone to share your child's achievements or funny little stories with

And single parents usually get some respite when the other parent has them.

You need to sit him down and tell him how full on and relentless parenting is and he has to be a part of it. Start by telling him specific times when he has the baby and deals with him. Also allocate some housework tasks to him.

Thanks for commenting. Oh I certainly wouldn't want to cause any offence or upset to single parents, really sorry 🙈 especially now that I have a baby and can appreciate how difficult mum life is! It's just like we're technically together, but I'm alone if that makes any sense? Yes that's exactly it, I get frustrated because he's there and should be helping and instead, I'm just doing everything on my own.

He's a good man he really is but he just seems to be struggling with adapting to our new life. When we've spoken about things, he knows he's not good at soothing the baby when he's upset and he's aware that he just doesn't have the patience it takes. And I know he feels guilty. But I just feel like, how is he ever going to learn if he doesn't do it?

Thanks Musti. To be fair, he does cook more so than what I do! But yes I think I definitely need to dish out the other responsibilities a bit more evenly because I do just feel like I'm burnt out. I'm not a moaner and I do generally just get on with things, but I'm coming to the end of my tether

I didn't mean to sound snippy, it's just something i had noticed myself from reading other threads on here. People seem to get jumped on if they ever say they feel like a single parent.

I totally get it though. It's ok to say that's how you feel because at the end of the day you are doing 99% of the childcare. Some single parents have a lot of support from their mum/other family, that doesn't make them less of a single parent does it?

With my DH things changed at around 9 months old when I finally snapped. I walked out the house and left him with the baby. I hadn't pre prepared anything or left instructions I just went out. Since then he stepped up more

He should be pitching in when he is home on everything. He may well work a 60 hour week but so are you.

It’s his baby too. He should want to be involved in all aspects. It’s odd that he doesn’t want to. My DH would do most of the nappy changes, bottles and cuddles at weekend as he felt he’d missed out all week!

He doesn’t appreciate what you do. You need a break as well. He should do at least one night a week (Friday or Sat) so you get some sleep and you need a lie in sometimes too!

I’d suggest going out for the day and leaving him to it. Don’t feel like you have to do everything. He is also a parent! Yes, he works but you’re doing a very important and exhausting job too.

He doesn't value you at all and considers the baby as your responsibility.

Sit him down, explain how you feel, then ask him how to make things fairer for you.
Of he resists, argues, tantrums, pouts, shuts down, dodges etc.
Tell him to do one and dont let the door hit him where the good lord split him.

Not all single parents get respite when the other parent has them. Plenty are doing everything completely alone, including paying for everything

Positive praise is the way forward here. I used to say to my DH how much DD loved him. ‘So much happier when you hold her’ and then sneak off and leave them to it!

What about housework? Does he do that. Defo think you need to start leaving DP with the baby and you should have nights off at the weekend.

I can fully relate to this.

I have 3 children and I've done all the night feeds.
I can sometimes manage to get DP to sort their lunch out (the 2 older ones) once at the weekend if I'm lucky.

He does sort out our evening meal most of the time, as that's usually when I'm settling the LO but it's usually something simple and easy to make.

The rest of sorting the children, from washing to bathing to entertaining is left to me, regardless of whether it's weekday or weekend.
Also, I can make no plans without the children, where as he makes plans and then tells me about them - as obviously I'm on hand to look after the children so he does not need to take them in to account when planning anything.

Washing up, washing clothes, cleaning, hoovering, general upkeep of the household chores - me. He does put the bin out once a week though if he doesn't forget...

Birthdays / Christmas - I sort it.
Their food, clothes, shoes, school trips, school projects, home work, writing in school diary - all me.

youarenot

So why are you with him?

Why do women stay with useless men that don't help? You know there are men in the world that are capable of being a grown up?

After the first two weeks what changed? Are things like feeding shared or is the baby exclusively breast fed? Is he missing out on the good times with the baby or getting the baby at close to bed/nappy change time so always sees the baby when its grumpy?

Certainly you need to sort out a chores list and build in some you time and also see when he should be getting to look after all aspects of the baby. This should include nighttimes to ensure you get to have a good sleep.