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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice pls

22 replies

Julie2018 · 16/08/2018 05:53

Long time lurker but first time poster.... Didn't want to hijack the thread Boobs, pubes & porn but it has prompted me to post this.

I had a difficult upbringing which lead me to turn into a heavy drinker as my coping mechanism. I've now been with my current boyfriend for over 10 years. I knew that he watched a bit of porn every now and again but as it's not something that interests me, haven't really viewed it myself.

Anyhow... a while ago I woke up one morning after a drinking session with him the previous night to find that I had been completely shaved down below. As I couldn't really remember the night before, I was embarrassed to say anything as I may have even done it myself (but couldn't remember). This has now happened a few times.

Last night, I went onto BF's PC for something and saw some porn sites on his internet history (I didn't go searching for this, they just were there when I clicked the dropdown menu for google). So curiosity took the better of me and I looked at some.

The penny has now dropped and all of the women (and men) are bald down below!

I now know that I definitely did not do that to myself and feel absolutely violated and afraid to go to sleep at night as I don't know what else he has been doing to me whilst I have been in a comatose state in bed.

He's away with work at the moment so I haven't yet challenged him about this but I feel soo stupid that I have been so naïve that I didn't know what was going on.

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 16/08/2018 06:00

This must be such a shock for you and such a betrayal. How long is he away for? Have you ever been worried about his behaviour sexually towards you?

Original poster

Julie2018 · 16/08/2018 06:08

He's back tomorrow night.
I've never had any concerns before but it appears that, despite my issues earlier in life, I have had a bit of a sheltered upbringing!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 16/08/2018 08:05

I don't think you should continue a relationship with a man who thinks it's ok to do this.

Singlenotsingle · 16/08/2018 08:13

You must have been really, really out of it if someone has been able to do that to you and you didn't even notice or remember afterwards! Never mind the difficult childhood, you'll end up with cirrhosis if you carry on like that. Sort the drinking out ffs! Yes, you also need to deal with the other issue, but anything could happen while you're unconscious through drink

LadyMofMtsensk · 16/08/2018 08:22

Wtf? This is assault. Would you shave the hair on his head off while he was asleep?

SparklyMagpie · 16/08/2018 08:31

That is very scary that you were that out of it and he's a creepy bastard.

You need to get help with your drinking and do yourself a favour an fuck him off

starryeyed19 · 16/08/2018 08:43

My mouth has just fallen open reading this. I wouldn't even know where to begin with something like this. What a massive massive violation. I really wouldn't feel comfortable living with someone who could do this to me.

eightfacesofthemoon · 16/08/2018 09:10

I think if you were that out of it, then you really need to address that first and foremost before having a relationship with anyone
And just get rid of someone who could do this to you ASAP. Really no fucking about. This is the tip of the iceberg.
Do you want to be like another poster who’s husband had anal sex (raped her) with her when she was asleep

SunflowerJo08 · 16/08/2018 09:25

First off, do you actually want to take steps to curb your drinking? This man is taking advantage of you and assaulting you - if he can do this whilst you are knocked out drunk it's a pretty fair bet he has probably also had sex with you whilst you are in this state.

You really need to think about what happens now.

Original poster

Julie2018 · 16/08/2018 12:46

I have already taken steps around the drinking and don't drink anywhere near as much or as often.
My issue is my BF and the consensus seems to be to get shot ASAP which I probably knew deep down otherwise I wouldn't have posted!

OP posts:

Jammin3 · 16/08/2018 12:48

Over 10 years ago I heard about a man doing this to a woman who was passed out drunk. He was NOT someone to hang around with. What the fuck is this shit?! Creepy bastards!

Musti · 16/08/2018 12:57

You may not be passed out if you're having a blackout. I have seemed completely lucid if drunk and done things out of character when having a blackout and can't remember a thing once I've sobered up. Have you talked to him?

spunkymom22 · 16/08/2018 13:49

Are you sure he isn't drugging you? This does not sound like just drinking too much.

Musti · 16/08/2018 14:12

Spunkymum22 blacking out is incredible. I have on two occasions absolutely no recollection of what I did. Completely missing. Yet my friends telling me and videos and photos confirm that it happened. And although I seemed drunk, I was completely active, talking, dancing etc. It's really freaky.

Original poster

Julie2018 · 16/08/2018 18:58

@Spunkymom22 Definitely not drugged

OP posts:

datingdisaster41 · 16/08/2018 19:09

I wondered the same as spunkymom22...but you sound sure that this is from you drinking. I am shocked reading this - how dare he do this to you. Please leave him right now. What a horrible, controlling piece of shit! And don't you bloody start feeling stupid - you have had no part in this! This isn't your fault. He has violated you. I hope you're ok and I really hope you end this relationship asap xxxx

Original poster

Julie2018 · 16/08/2018 22:29

Have spent the night sobbing and stuffing his clothes into bin bags. Showdown time when he gets home tomorrow night

OP posts:

datingdisaster41 · 16/08/2018 22:33

Have you got a good friend nearby who you can ask to come round for support? X

Original poster

Julie2018 · 16/08/2018 22:46

Will call my good friend in the morning. Haven't said anything to them yet as was too embarrassed about the whole thing

OP posts:

datingdisaster41 · 16/08/2018 22:58

Please don't be embarrassed. I'm glad you've got someone you can talk to x

dragonflyflew · 17/08/2018 01:19

God that's horrible. Poor you, that must really fuck with your head.
I recently found out that a relative of mine has been assaulting his wife while she sleeps (she's a drinker too) AND he films the various assaults.
I'm absolutely devastated. We were close as kids and I've always loved and respected him.
She was encouraged to report it but then wouldn't press charges.
She also discovered a locked and hidden file on his computer and can't access it.
They're very rich because of his job. She's very weak due to alcohol and mh issues, is a sahm mum and prefers to keep the status symbol of huge house and highly respected and admired husband with the hero's job.
If I were you I'd end it and kick him out immediately. You have no idea what else is going on.

dragonflyflew · 17/08/2018 01:23

I also have/had a problem with drink and passing out. I have no idea what's happened to me in that state.
Years ago I 'came to' to find I was being anally raped by a 'boyfriend'. I was very young and in chaotic lifestyle and didn't realise until years later how bad it was. He admitted he'd drugged me too as I was so drunk he wanted to 'help' me sleep.
Grim.

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