Please help me

[Daisyticketyboo]

I honestly don't know where to start.

Married 15 years, 3dc - 15, 11, 6.

Years of feeling I'm not good enough but trying to be.

Sex was fine after the first two children but when number 3 came along it was an issue. Now if we go about 4 days without then I get verbal abuse and awful punishing behaviour. On several times he has barely spoken to me for days and on others I've given in and given more than I want to. I'd like to reiterate here we're talking days not weeks or months. For the record I I reckon we normally have sex about 3 times a week. To put it into context - when my mum died and we went to her house for the funeral for a week I told him I couldn't have any sexual contact there. On the 4th day he got in a massive huff with me for not doing it despite the fact we were sleeping in my late Mum and late dads bed. It's only writing this that I realise how horrific that is.

Also. He has told me that that way I dress makes me look older than I am, that I am too feminine and he'd like me to look more sporty. He said in an ideal world he'd like to choose my clothes and this is important to him. I let him choose and it was all denim cut off shorts etc. Whilst I'd like to think I dress in a way that attracts him, I'm also keen to keep my identity. I now feel completely unsure how to dress and have lost what little confidence I have.

I know you're all going to say I have to leave him but it's easier said than done, please don't be harsh with me - I have enough of that at home....

Oh you poor thing, he sounds like a ridiculous bully. He expects way too much sex off you and doesn’t see you are a person and you have your own voice and needs and it’s not all about him. The whole denim shorts thing is a bit weird and sounds like he’s just stupidly horney. Thankfully he’s going to you and not to another woman though. What do you want to do? Where do you see yourself in day 5years? With him or no and have you spoken to him in a clear way to get your own feelings across on how he makes you feel?

He's coercing you into sex under the threat of emotional abuse - that's rape. Im so sorry this is happening to you

Can you say why you're staying with him? Is he giving you anything that you're worried you won't get if you leave?

You do need to leave. This isn't salvageable. So I'm asking questions to help work out what the roadblocks to leaving might be x

@Mommybearx

Thankfully he’s going to you and not to another woman though

What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

I am too feminine

and he'd like me to look more sporty.*

It's all about him isn't it.

He said in an ideal world he'd like to choose

Still about him.
You've got yourself a selfish man there.

Is he only interested in his own pleasure during sex.?

He's controlling you far too much.

Have you told him how you'd like him to dress?

If you want to stay in the marriage you need to find your voice and get tough.

Set your boundaries and don't be guilted into having sex like that.

If his punishment to you is silence.. ignore him. Go out and do your own thing. Or run a relaxing bath, listen to music with headphones and pay him no notice.

He needs educating on respect. How disgusting he wanted sex when your mum died in her bed.

It's like your purpose on.this earth is being available for his pleasure.

Please, do the Freedom Programme. You'll get a lot of support there from others in a similar position. Please do sign up, it will really help you to get your head straight.

You are in a very seriously abusive relationship ; he is a serious abuser. They don't do it overnight - or we'd run - they do it slowly over time. He's got you to the point you don't even know what to wear

The whole choosing clothes for you thing is just too horrible. You're like a doll he dresses, he doesn't cherish you for you - you're just an object for his pleasure.

Plenty of us have been where you are and many of us got out. No it isn't easy but it can be done, a step at a time. Start with the Freedom Programme (also Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That?').

Keep posting. We're here for you 💐

I know you're all going to say I have to leave him but it's easier said than done

It may very well be easier said than done. But that doesn't make it impossible.

If you could snap your fingers and he'd be gone to the hinterlands, would you do it?

As per Donkey's update, if he's raping you then leave and contact the police.

What are the issues stopping you from leaving him?
Please consider if you can call womens aid for advice or even rape crisis because his actions are totally wrong.

Yeh I realise now how that sounds
I had just previously read a post about an affair and the upset caused.

What I meant is it sounds like she doesn’t want to be told to leave him and wants to be with him so atleast she doesn’t have the whole rejection affair thing on top to deal with.