How do you end a relationship if they won’t go?!

[charitypringle]

This is going to sound bonkers but I’ve been trying to separate from my DP for over a year.

I really want him to move out for even just a few days even just so I get some time to be able to think straight and work out if I am well and truly done with the relationship.

But yeah, every time I say ‘please will you leave for a while’ or ‘I would like to separate’ or ‘I’m not sure I’m happy/love you anymore’ he just refuses to go. Says I am welcome to leave but I don’t have anywhere to go (moved for his job) and as I’m at home with the DC and actually the only one who does anything it doesn’t make sense for me to go.

Any suggestions?!

We’re married, we rent, both on tenancy.

Sorry to read this OP. It sounds like a control thing to stop you going with a bit of contempt thrown in on the side for good measure...not a nice place to be or to raise children. Is he controlling in other ways? You are allowed to end the relationship if you want to even without him leaving the house first, but it sounds like you need some thinking space. Can you access some individual counseling or just talk to a good friend irl. If he's controlling or abusive in other ways Women's Aid can help.

He doesn't take you seriously when you say you want to leave him. Maybe talk to a solicitor? If you file for divorce then he'll realise you're serious about it.

Hi OP.

Tell us more about your living conditions. Is it a joint mortgage/tenancy?

Sorry just reread. If it's a joint tenancy I don't believe you can make him leave. Ring shelter for advice.

Are you completely dependent on him financially? If so, he has the power and won’t leave and pay for two households when he’s happy where he is. Can you see a lawyer?

Well, you don't sound very convincing to me either, and if you just let things carry on after saying it, no wonder he doesn't take it seriously. You'll have to decide in situ whether you want to split up, and act accordingly.

Is it a private rent or social housing? If private rent, then look for somewhere else to live and give notice. If social housing, move out of the bedroom and start living separately in the house, and start a divorce.

Find another tenancy. You've had a year to save. Have you renewed your joint tenancy during this time?

Yes he’s the only one paying, I’m a student. We have lots of money problems - debt, low income, him spending stupid money on stupid things.

It’s private rent, I wouldn’t be able to afford the deposit/tenancy fees on somewhere. I literally don’t have a penny to my name.

I want to phone the police to ask him to leave as sometimes he’s very verbally abusive on the rare occasion physically, but the last time I did that he made me out to be hysterical and baby blues and actually the policewoman agreed I was hysterical, he was made to leave but then returned in the morning.

I can’t decide because I am so beaten down, I wonder if it’s me because I know I’m a little screwed up but sometimes I realise that actually none of this is my fault. I want him to move out so I can try and improve my children’s lives - they’re only young and are always in bed during arguments so hopefully haven’t witnessed anything traumatising but I don’t want to continue living like this and take the risk.

I told my mum he had physically assaulted me once and she was very unsupportive. He has depression apparently, which I don’t buy because the only symptom is the inability to do anything around the house or for the children.

I had a psych assessment recently as I’m not coping very well, but despite a half hearted attempt at suicide I was told they couldn’t help me as I wasn’t ‘severe’ enough.

So now it’s back to citalopram fantasising about the day I don’t have to deal with this shit.

Can you look into what benefits you would get, so that you can get your own place?

If he does leave how would you afford the tenancy by yourself? I presume he would have to pay for somewhere to live himself?

If he did leave would you be able to look after the children yourself. You could speak to shelter, ask them for advice. I can understand why you want him to go but legally he may have the right to stay there. Is there anyone at uni you can talk to, a welfare officer or occupational health. How old are the children.

How old are your DC?

Presumably he works full time?

OP, talk to Women's Aid, talk to your GP, domestic abuse support services and consider going into a refuge. You are in a relationship with domestic violence, which changes the context considerably. You might then be eligible for social housing.

He's not going to see reason and leave - he's got things the way he likes them. You need to take the leap.

Would you be able to get universal credit or housing benefit if you were able to rent somewhere? Is there anyone who could help you by loaning you the deposit etc, or being a guarantor? Sometimes the council will have a scheme where they lend you the deposit so you are able to rent privately. If you have been a victim of emotional and physical abuse then they are even more likely to help. You have to take the first step, like phoning Women's Aid, going to the CAB or speaking to the council. Is there a refuge you could go to nearby for a while, or family and friends you could stay with?
I'm sorry your mum wasn't more supportive when you confided in her about him attacking you. That must have been really upsetting and isolating.
Don't wait for him to go, he likely never will - you're going to have to get the ball rolling yourself and take matters into your own hands.

If it’s a joint tenancy I don’t think u can force him to leave. Does he have somewhere to go temporarily.

You need to understand what you are entitled to.
Please contact CAB.
Contact Womens Aid
And contact Shelter
With domestic abuse you should get support faster.

I'm so sorry your mum was not supportive.
If my daughter told her partner had laid a single finger on her I would be over there, getting her away as quickly as I could.

Get profession help and support from the organisations mentioned and get an exit plan in place.

You need to find out what benefits you are entitled to. Could u financially run the house without him and could he financially afford to rent somewhere else and pay u child support