What to do - difficult ex, money and DC

[Rosequartz7]

Hi all,

Sorry this is long, but I could do with some wisdom and advice.
I've been a bit deliberately vague with identifying details.

Background:
1DC, around 11 y/o.
Ex and I weren't married, I asked him to leave when DC was a baby due to his out of control drinking, drug taking, not coming home, and general not stepping up.

I bent over backwards at first to make it easy for him to have contact eg having him in my house, driving DC to and fro, giving him money (he had a job) but stopped when I saw the light.

He hasn't seen DC for a number of years due to the child not wanting to see him for a few different reasons (that's probably another thread!). He doesn't ask how DC is doing, what they like, how school is, etc. Forgets their birthday. Sends cheap, bizarre, totally inappropriate presents when he remembers, which upsets DC further and serves to strengthen resistance to seeing him.

Ex will always argue with me if I don't agree and do exactly as he wants, call me names, send lengthy emails and messages completely character assassinating me, say really bizarre and hurtful things about me, rewrite history etc. I won't speak to him on the phone as he records me and I hate him hearing me get emotional or cry.

He clearly despises me.

I have dealt with this by limiting my responses and not fighting my corner, as I will always be in the wrong and I end up feeling horrendous as he dissects and twists everything I say, and pulls me to pieces until I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
I am scared of saying anything because it just gets picked to bits, so I don't. Then he has a go at me for not replying, or not giving him the answers he demands.
I never know what is the best thing to do.

I don't blame DC at all for not wanting to see him and because I won't force DC I am an awful mother, person etc.

Ex had a degree when we met, has worked his way up and now has a very good job, owns a nice house in a sought after area, holidays, as well as a partner's wage coming in and parental handouts. Obvs has never had to worry about childcare as I have always had DC. Does as he pleases, used to buy ££ weed, rec drugs, unsure if still does.

I have found it tough on my own with DC, but i managed studying, getting into uni, doing a degree, and then working full time while bringing up a small child with no family support, no support at all. With him picking at me. My mental health is shit. Not trying to paint a sob story, but it has been tough on me and by proxy, DC.

I have to pay for wraparound childcare to be able to work full time to afford our rent, bills, school uniform, dinners, trips, etc.
DC also struggled with mental health and low self esteem which has been getting slowly better since not seeing ex.

A few years ago while still seeing DC, ex sorted a direct debit which has been regular and has kept it up. Obviously this is a good thing, and I rely on this and budget around having it.
It's not what CMS would order him to pay (i know what ex earns) but I'm just grateful to have regular payments and due to how ex is I haven't wanted to rock the boat.

So currently I've been waiting ages to start a new job and have used loads of my savings in the interim between this and my last job a few months ago.

The crux is this:

Ex messaged me to say that he intends to quit his job and study for a period of time and would be significantly reducing what he pays for DC, and how am I financially?
I don't know what to say. Mine and DC's life is organised relying on that amount. We would struggle.

I'm torn between:

A- just telling him to do one and being free of him. Feeling I would rather struggle financially than give him any control.
and
B- saying no, he should be paying for his son, and perhaps he could have saved up beforehand or not gone on the foreign holiday he's just been on rather than thinking 'hmm, where can I cut back? I know, child support.'

I'm pretty sure I will be accused of money grabbing/being selfish/materialistic/self obsessed/ignorant/moral failure etc as usual. Do I just suck up the crap he gives me on DC's behalf.

Or is he totally reasonable and I am grabby and out of order? Prepared to take that on the chin.

The fact that DC doesn't want to see him also complicates things.

Any advice welcome as I can't see the woods for the trees.

Thanks for reading!

TLDR ex doesn't see DC, wants to reduce child support that we rely on so that he can quit his job and study. What do I do?

I don’t understand why you’re in touch with him when he doesn’t see DC.

You honestly never need to speak to him. Loads of ex couples limit communication to contact arrangements and that’s without one of them necessarily being a total bastard like your ex is.

In terms of child support, you can’t stop him quitting his job and studying and if he knows it’ll leave you in trouble then he’s probably only told you on a power trip so you beg him to keep supporting you.

You don’t have to reply, he’ll use it as a way of upsetting you if you do. Or simply say “you have an obligation to support our child but I can’t force you to do the right thing if you choose not to and he/she will know the truth about you when they’re old enough to realise how little you cared” and then block him.

He’s horrific and you don’t need this in your life.

Thanks for your kind reply.
I have wanted to block him for years. He wants to see DC but he wants it on his terms. Won't accept that his behaviour has anything to do with why DC doesnt want contact and insists its all me and I'm a failure as a parent.
I worry that if I block him he'd try to take me to court and DC might be forced to see him, which would just be a nightmare.
I feel like anything I say will just get hurled back at me, unless it's "Yeah, no problem, that's fine."
And yes, I'm certainly not inclined to beg for money. It's just not fair on DC, I can't imagine how someone includes child support on a list of things they can cut back on.

Let him take to you to court. Firstly your child's old enough that the court will take their wishes into account. Secondly, the court will not take a man seriously if they have left it several years without seeing dc before starting court procedures. I presuming he didn't see dc regularly before that anyway, so you need to make a record of how often, when he let them down, didn't turn up etc.. He has not shown himself to be acting in dc's best interests. Courts are there to protect HIS rights, but the rights and welfare of the child. Keep all texts etc to show that he is being vindictive.

Is there anyone you can check with that is is really quiting his job? Personally I would check with cms what he would be required to pay if studying but living off savings. Just in case.
I would also formalise payments through cms immediately while he is working and let him throw his temper tantrum. He's held you over a barrel long enough. If he had really wanted to see dc, he would have taken you to court when contact stopped. He's just using your fear to keep controlling you and ensure he doesn't have to pay what he legally, and morally., should.
Inform him you will be going to cms, then block. You have no reason to be in contact with him!!

Sorry. Courts are NOT there to protect HIS rights. NOT NOT NOT! Ffs typo.

I would agree with the above, cut contact to an absolute bare minimum and get CMS sorted, for the future if not for now.

All the court stuff is bluster.

However it appears that you are financially reliant on this man who you otherwise would have nothing to do with. You need to sort out your finances to stop this reliance as there is nothing you can do if his earnings change for whatever reason and he stops his payments. If he does become a student, cms will be of no help.

Thanks for your replies.
Yes, seems it is time for a change. He wants an answer as he has asked again today. I guess whatever I say, he will kick off.
I swing constantly between thinking of the relief of not having to answer to him and being annoyed on DC's behalf.
It's always been hard to struggle, supporting and trying to shield DC who just deserves better, and watching ex get it all on a plate.
I'm at a loss as how to word my reply or what to say :(

I guess the reason I started out on this path was to get to a point where I don't rely on anyone, least of all him, and DC and I can be happy, peaceful and self sufficient. And he can't control or upset us any more.

I'd just email him and say that money is tight and you rely on his contribution.
He probably won't react well, but if you don't respond at all he might think it's not important and you don't need it.

Your dc is at an age where the courts would probably take his wishes into account and the fact that your ds hasn't seen him in years into account. It's also unlikely this man will actually go to court.

You're basically still being emotionally abused even though the relationship is long over.

Go to the CMS, cut contact with him and let him go to court if he likes.

Your answer is grey rock style. "My finances are not relevant, your contributions are for the support of your child as per the law. Therefore I expect them them to continue as per the law."

When he throws in his control ploy of court. You grey rock again (you know court would be expensive and he really doesn't want to see dc that much or he'd have done it immediately!) You respond grey rock: "I will expect your solicitor's letter and payments to continue as per the law or i will need to involve cms"

My money's on him doing what will cost him the least money. And that's not court and cms!

Bullies rely on their victims fear rather than actually following through with threats. Stop being the victim by showing him you're no longer afraid. And finally settling this court and contact fear will probably do wonders for your doc's mh!

This is excellent advice from @Thingsdogetbetter and anapt username too I hope 🙂

I'm with thingsdogetbetter - he has a legal requirement to support his child, contact or no contact.

I really appreciate this, sometimes it can be hard to see things objectively when you're stuck in it.
Agreed that the fear is a big factor, and it clouds things. Need to take that, and emotion out of it and not give him anything to pick on.
I like the 'grey rock' response, I think I'll go with that. It's also reassuring to hear that it's okay to expect him to still pay even without contact. I know it is, deep down, but it's good to hear.
I guess my biggest worry is that he will get access to DC again, but I will deal with that if it comes up, and like you say, if he can be bothered. There has to be a change, I can't stay like this with the constant worry.

Update: I spoke to child maintenance options who advised on my, well, options.
Thought it would be best to open a claim. I decided to give him a chance to be decent so messaged him grey rock style saying that he should prioritise his responsibility to DC.
Just got a load of abuse back about how he's so disappointed in me?!
He's already quit his job and intends to pay nothing as 'child support is based on income'.
Apparently I studied so why shouldn't he? And I'm 'trying to make him feel bad'. Well, I took out a loan to make sure I could look after DC while I studied. I didn't just decide to spend nothing on him!
He said some really nasty stuff just ripping me to shreds basically so I haven't replied, despite the juvenile 'nothing to say because you can't handle being wrong???' type of thing.
Will just open a CMS claim and not reply.

Well done OP. Ignore his ranting.

Claim done! Even if it's 5 quid a month or even nothing, at least its in place for the future and means I don't have to speak to him or ask for money
Thanks for everyone's support. Can't imagine he'll be happy but at last I am taking the power back!

Update in case anyone cares :
After getting nothing this month as he had promised, I got a message from CMS this morning- payment of pretty much exactly what he was paying before will be in my account next month, and every month.
Trying to resist a cackle. Feels good! Thanks all. X

Well done op

Well done. My husband had to pay (a pittance but meh) and he never had contact.

Well done @Rosequartz, he has a responsibility to his child regardless of whether he has contact or not.

Thank you for the update and well done for taking control

great update. It might not always be the amount you want, but I bet it averages out more than you have been getting, over the years, and if he doesn't pay it will be taken at source. More importantly, it gives you your power back! Well done for getting through the fear.

That is great. Well done.

Well done op. There are so many nrp who threaten to avoid paying