What do you consider to be "cheating" in a relationship?

[Mumof1DS]

Just curious really.

What level of emotional involvement/connection? Any at all? Purely physical behaviour?

Interested to hear others thoughts.

Anything that you wouldn't want your partner to see, thats secretive and intimate and emotional and closer than a friendship. It doesnt have to be sexual.

Those that do it know - otherwise it would be all out in the open.

What do you think OP?

AnneLovesGilbert - exactly the same as Bouledeneige has so eloquently put.

I just want to get an idea as to where other people would draw the line and whether people's beliefs broadly compare with my own. I suspected that the responses would mirror my own, but wanted to be sure is all.

Anything’s by that you felt you would not want your partner to witness or read. I think emotional affairs are becoming more common.

As above, any physical or emotional involvement that you want to keep hidden from your partner.

Take courage OP - you know. If its secret and feels hurtful thats enough. Of course if someones been having sex with someone else and told them they love them over a longer period that feels even worse. But to say nothing happened physically ain't no excuse.

If its above board show me all the messages. You have nothing to hide.

The real question is what to do now. They are lots of people here who have been there and can help you. Don't be pressured or told what you should feel or accept. Trust yourself and what you should be able to expect from someone in a relationship. We are here to help.

An emotional connection would be harder for me to forgive than a drunken ONS.

What's happened OP? I hope you're ok.

@SuperSuperSuper I'm with you. My friends don't get it when I say it, sex is physical and over quickly, emotional is completely different.

As above any contact you wouldn’t want your partner to see anything you feel the need to lie about or hide
Doesn’t have to be sexual

Totally agree with u super my dh had what i class an emotional affair and it’s the lies the lengths he went to hide things from me that is the hardest part.

Is everything ok op

Aww thanks to everyone who has asked about me. I'm ok, I've got my big girl pants on, I'm just pondering really.

DH has in the past engaged in some dalliances and I'm just thinking about what I would do in the future should anything happen again. Shortly before we got married DH downloaded tinder onto his phone, which I found out about purely accidentally, not snooping, I think I just lit the screen up to see the time and realised he had a tinder notification in the top bar. This was probably 2 1/2 years ago. I called him out on it and made him think carefully about why he wanted to get married etc. He said all the right things, it being a monumental cock-up etc and it went ahead. Our relationship after that was great, nothing more was said, nothing to give me reason to suspect etc, so although I still felt hurt by it, I put it to one side.
Fast forward to being heavily pregnant with DS (as in 37 weeks) and a quick peek (ok ok, snoop, but I had reason to be suspicious as I had recently noticed that if I glanced across at his phone he would quickly get rid of FB messenger bubbles).
I discovered that he was conversing with a 21 y o girl quite intimately. Not in a sexual way, just as though they were close IYSWIM. Things like "goodnight beautiful" to her. That was what hurt the most... Speaking to her as if she was me. He also was asking her if she wanted to meet up. She knocked him back, but I was hurt by the intention to meet her. There's no way there would be any innocent explanation for that IMO. Discovered this late at night, Felt heartbroken, he knew he'd messed up big time, was incredibly remorseful etc. We went to bed (couldn't send him to sleep on sofa, we were temporarily at DMs waiting for our house to complete - couldn't tell her, she'd have said LTB) and ended up saying nothing more about it but more due to the fact I was admitted to hospital the following day, unrelated to the baby, but enough of a distraction that it went to the back of my mind and he became incredibly doting (plus he got a telling off from his family that he doesn't do enough for me etc). Recovered in time for DS to be born at term, had mega baby blues and problems breastfeeding so his FB messaging wasn't on my priorities.
We have been in our house for a while now, things now going swimmingly with DS, still have some mild post natal depression and anxiety but with support am getting there.
Had a peek at his FB messenger last night when he left his phone unattended (unusual) and lots of girls names I didn't recognise, but nothing incriminating, just one girl mentioning that she's not on Instagram, so obviously a conversation before that where he must have asked. Had a glance at his IG profile from my account and realised that he is following nearly 5k accounts! Lots of girls, all young. By young I mean early 20s, nothing illegal. again, nothing incriminating.
I have no reason to suspect he is up to no good, I'm just keen to keep an eye on things. After the last incident at 37 weeks pregnant, he was left under no illusion that anything further and his bags would be packed.
I think I'm just staying aware at the moment.
If anything went tts up, his family would totally be on my side. They're very close, very family oriented etc. I have utterly no doubts that he won't leave me for a young hot girl, he has it too cushy at home. I do the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, life admin, financials etc. But I won't be taken for a mug if he thinks he can have a happy family life and a bit on the side.
I want more children, at least 1 or 2 more. I also don't want to put it on hold in case of something that may or may not happen in the future. He also wants more children.
I am thinking to future proof myself and child(ren) though. Important docs can be fished out if needed (I do the life admin), a fund can be saved in my isa just in case. We were intending to pay down the mortgage as much as possible anyway, so I think we will continue to do this. Should things go tts up, however much I don't want them to, I could fund me and the children on my wage. I have a reasonable salary, so could keep up the house etc plus am well thought of at work so could get them to agree to whatever flexible working arrangement I needed etc. In laws fairly local as well if needed. Like I said, they would side with me. They're very principaled, family oriented etc.

WWYD? Keep eyes and ears open for future misconduct and be prepared, but not put life on hold waiting for it?

Sorry for war and peace length post

You sound really switched on and only you can decide what you are or aren't prepared to put up with. He has form for doing this - a 'mistake' from before you were married should not have happened again just before your first baby. It's safe to say he will do it again and you are right to put plans in place. The more kids you have with him the more money you will need and more vulnerable you are. Start keeping him busy with housework so he has no time to do anything else. You could change his phone to a non smart phone. All these things are just policing him, he clearly can't be trusted or he wouldn't be sniffing round all these other women. It's very disrespectful to you. Massive hugs.

You sound incredibly businesslike. Not once have you said his behaviour has broken your heart or that you love him and can't face life without him. You talk of a singleminded desire to have more children and intentions of paying down the mortgage. I can guarantee that this hard hearted no nonsense approach to your marriage is what will get you through. You will need this strength because this man is nothing more than a self serving waste of air.

I'm not hard hearted. I'm a solicitor.

Of course I love him. It's the reason I have let his behaviour 'go' in the past. I don't want a life without him, I want him to have changed and to grow old with him. But I also have no intention of being walked over.

A mistake repeated is not a mistake. I hope you can get to the bottom of this and that you get the outcome you want and deserve. Look after yourself at this time.

Why does he need to communicate with so many young women? Some strange kind of validation or flirtation? It may sound innocent at the moment, but what does he actually get out of it? Very immature and unnecessary. I'd class that as disrespectful, and it wouldn't be much to tip it into cheating - asking to meet up, for example.

You sound very sensible and organised OP. Keep on with that and good luck to you.

You're v lucky that his family would be behind you in the event of something happening. Keep them on side. Mine would back dh no matter what. Didn't seem disappointed at all to find out he'd cheated!

You may be a solicitor but you are choosing not to face facts and recognise the truth. He won't change and you won't be growing old with him. I'm sorry. He has proved already that he is slippery, dishonest and not remotely committed to his marriage. Your future is in your hands.

Nope. You can't make people change unfortunately. He will just find a way to do it more secretly. The fact he's done it before and is doing it now. He's addicted to the chase and interest from younger girls, especially the flirting, sexting whatever.
And he's acting single. Your choice if you want to remain with someone who disrespects you so much. I certainly wouldn't.

In my view it's only sexual. I think seeing platonic emotional involvement as cheating is overstretching it too far. I mean, sexual infidelities are quite common and hurtful, and if we add to the cheating anything non-sexual, we are pretty much making our lives rather miserable and untenable.

Well OP I think your DH has told you what kind of man he is - he doesn't mind hurting you or taking the risk of it and he needs the validation of young women's attention in quite an immature way. Be aware that with more children life does get more pressured in the early years and with those pressures and he may well find the attention even more alluring. He will be tested and need to show resolve and maturity. It sounds like you're the one in the family with those attributes.

Look after yourself OP and keep some independence. He's unlikely to change - he told you that right before he married you. And that was in the good times. Good luck.

I've been cheated on by women both physically and emotionally.

The emotional affair was the most painful thing I've ever experienced, even though she wasn't sleeping with any of the guys at the time.

I think seeing platonic emotional involvement as cheating is overstretching it too far.

I would agree with this. This assumes that our DH or partners are the only ones that we are supposed to have any emotional connection with at all, and that seems to be a very limiting view.

I think that there is a false expectation that one person is supposed to be everything to us, otherwise it's cheating. I think this is an unreasonable expectation.

If someone is having sexual relationships with other people, it's cheating. If someone is falling in love with someone else, it's emotional cheating, on the way to physical cheating. But I would be wary of calling much else cheating, esp if it doesn't actually impact on the relationship between the partners.

I agree mademybed. We have emotional involvement with friends and family members. A friendship with a member of the opposite sex is no different. If emotions are not involved, it's not really a friendship at all.

If conversations revolve around being star crossed lovers or relentlessly slagging off partners then fair enough, otherwise it's not an 'emotional affair'. It's just a friendship.

After the last incident at 37 weeks pregnant, he was left under no illusion that anything further and his bags would be packed.

So numerous fb chats with random women and following 5,000 girls on Instagram doesn’t count as “anything further” good grief...

The crux of it is, he’s a philanderer. it’s clear who he is and how little he respects you. You already know he will cheat on you and you will eventually divorce him.

So your question, I suppose, is should you divorce now, cut your losses and move on with your life or bring more kids into the picture so they can all experience the joy of divorce? (But they'll all have the same dad so that makes it okay )

Seriously, why put three children through the pain of a divorce?

I'm really confused why you would plan to have children with someone you don't trust and are considering the necessity of leaving in the future. You don't trust him, how can this continue? You seem to think his behaviour is the norm but it's not. He is cheating on you, what more evidence do you need? I'd be mortified to discover my husband was looking at younger women and messaging them, I think I'd lose my respect for him completely. I can't tell you what to do but I can assure you you deserve better than this!!