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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is your OH a ‘closed book’ and does it annoy you?

26 replies

SleepFreeZone · 15/08/2018 19:28

I’ve just had a falling out with DP over something silly really, however I guess it’s the bigger picture I’m reacting to. My MIL told me something today about something that happened when we had first got together. It’s not particularly interesting, but I clearly remember the day and what he told me (seven years ago!) and he omitted some information.

I decided to ask him about it when he got back from work and he got really stroppy with me and we ended up falling out. He doesn’t really tell me much to be honest. His mother said this is just his way, but I find it frustrating. He tells me important stuff I need to know and listens to me rabbit on, but the small stuff he just doesn’t mention. I don’t know why it matters really but whilst I trust him totally it does make me think that he could honestly have an affair and I don’t think I’d ever really know. That’s how good he is at compartmentalising his life.

Does anyone else have a DP that’s similar and foes it fit comfortably with you?

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 15/08/2018 19:46

I ended a relationship many years ago for just this reason - nice chap, loved me etc, but just didn't 'share'. I realised this wasn't going to be enough for me, and ended it. You won't change him, and if you need this intimacy as I do, you're not compatible with someone who doesn't.

Sharkymcsharkface · 16/08/2018 22:56

I used to say that dp was not just a 'closed book' but a 'locked safe'. He would actively avoid any situation that made him feel emotional at all and wouldn't let anyone 'in'. Emotions made him feel weak.

I think I got as close as anyone ever has to getting in his heart/head but I'm very much a 'feeler' and I felt constantly rejected by his reluctance to open up to me. I opened up to him all the time but he couldn't or wouldn't reciprocate. In the end it was too hard to be that incompatible emotionally, we split 4 days ago.

dragonflyflew · 17/08/2018 01:13

sharky that's sad, hope you're ok.
I can't cope with closed books. I get anxious and I really struggle with half the picture. It's one of many reasons I got divorced.
A very wise friend of mine tells her husband 'if you don't tell me then I'll just make it up' eg 2+2=5
This is very much me. Having grown up with an alcoholic father I also seem to attract secretive and dishonest men...

Scott72 · 17/08/2018 01:21

Doesn't that come to the differences between men and women though? Men just aren't as inclined to want to talk about their day to day life in detail, on average.

DonkeyPlease · 17/08/2018 01:31

I disagree it's "a man thing". Thinking that way will lead to misery. If the op wants a chatterbox dp, she can find one.

The simple truth is that some people are sharers and some aren't.

I encourage you to allow your do to be himself. It's extremely cruel and manipulative to attempt to force someone to become a totally different person, just so you feel more comfortable with them. Could you not just find a partner who you're actually compatible with?

Santaclarita · 17/08/2018 06:22

Mine isn't very emotional either and doesn't discuss small details, he usually just isn't interested. But I'm quite good at telling what people are thinking/feeling just by looking at them, so I usually know anyway. He used to be very surprised at the start of the relationship when I knew how he was feeling he just didn't have the courage to say it.

ohgodnotyouagain · 17/08/2018 07:37

I used to be a very closed book - didn't share my life easily with people, didn't show emotions.

I'm much more open now! My DH is a talker/sharer and I've learned to not only enjoy sitting and talking openly with someone, but I'm also learning to be more open when something is bothering me or I have a problem with him. Previously I'd just keep it to myself but I'm better now.

People can learn to open up if they want to.

ohgodnotyouagain · 17/08/2018 07:38

@Santaclarita my DH was like that with me! Would know if something was bothering me without saying anything.

I think I realised that if someone was so in tune with me it would be nice to 'welcome them in' although it did take some effort on my part in the beginning.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 17/08/2018 08:03

Me too OP. It makes you feel that they are not really connected to you. My H was terrible for this- friends would ask how he was after something happened to him ( e.g. he lost 20 quid) and I wouldn't even know about it - yet he told others. A dear friends sister had a baby after years of misery trying and they told him (because he visited them) and He didn't pass this on. When I saw friend a week later she was a bit taken aback I hadn't phoned her about it! Like others have said, I need that level.of intimacy and it was a big factor in the break down of our marriage. I did try to get him to be more open/communicative and we would have the same argument about it every 6 months but he simply couldn't change and hard as I tried, I couldn't let it go.

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2018 08:13

He tells me important stuff I need to know and listens to me rabbit on, but the small stuff he just doesn’t mention

First off, it's got sod all to do with gender. Some people overshare, some people keep secrets, whereas some people ensure all the important stuff is shared. The small stuff, not so much.

But then one person's small stuff can be important to someone else, so it depends precisely what the small stuff is in this case.

I've yet to find anyone of either gender who tells their OH absolutely everything that has happened to them in their past or everything they did last weekend. Not necessarily by deliberate intent but because it just doesn't occur to them to be of any importance.

crimsonlake · 17/08/2018 08:39

My ex was exactly like this and I felt lonely in my marriage. Hardly made conversation and would not share the small stuff. I remember finding out he had met David Hassellhoff in his office, only found this out months later via a friend. Possibly it was not interesting to him, but it was the fact he could have come home and said ' guess who I met today? ' and we could have laughed about it.
I agree it is necessarily a male thing as I know some very chatty men.

mostdays · 17/08/2018 08:48

About some things, yes. His past was traumatic. Some things he can tell me, some he cannot. The longer we are together the more he seems able to share but there will always be places I cannot follow. I had to decide a long time ago whether I could live with that. I can, but that doesn't mean everyone could.

Biologifemini · 17/08/2018 08:50

Am interested to know if these men are like this at the beginning of a relationship- or was this something that developed over time?

upsettraintraveller · 17/08/2018 08:52

An interesting thread to wake up to. I have a closed book for a husband too. Thinks omission is fine as it's not lying. Areas of his life I will never be a part of and he likes it that way.

To be honest, I'm seriously thinking about what future we have as it's not my idea of marriage and a partnership. He's secretive ways are destroying my confidence. I

TokenGinger · 17/08/2018 08:53

DP is definitely a closed book, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel. I think he’s acfually more sensitive than I am, but just doesn’t know how to communicate it. There are many aspects of him that have had me question whether he is on the spectrum, albeit low-level, and this is one of them.

It’s taken him a long time to be able to say something as simple as “I miss you”. I don’t know if it’s fear of rejection, inability to show feelings, or something else.

It’s hard at times but I’ve reached a point where I understand him so it bothers me less. Whereas it’d bother me daily previously, now when he does something, I think, “it’s just his way”. I know he doesn’t intend to hurt me, and he cares for me very much.

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2018 09:01

Areas of his life I will never be a part of and he likes it that way

But do most people tell their OH absolutely everything about themselves? How many times do we see threads on MN about "does your OH know how many people you've slept with?" and while some people do say their partner knows, most say their partner doesn't and most people agree it's the past and none of their partner's business.

lifebegins50 · 17/08/2018 09:30

I don't think it's everything about your past as that would be inappropriate and boring!

It is the details of life now, sharing feelings and events that makes 2 separate individuals a "couple".

I am a sharer and Ex was a closed book/repressed. Some people (more often men) withdraw in relationships rather than move closer. This is damaging and goes beyond "chatting".It can lead to distancer/pursuer model which is destructive and ends marriages.

If a person doesn't share how they are feeling, especially negative emotions how is it a partnership or how can issues be resolved?

Original poster
SleepFreeZone · 17/08/2018 09:52

Thank you for all your replies 💐

Well we’re still not really talking. He tends to just leave me alone to process if we fall out. Which I appreciate but then of course it’s much more difficult to start talking again!!

This information the MIL passed on was involving his past significant ex. They were together for 14 years, we’ve been together 7 (with two children). It wasn’t particularly interesting, but it was something I didn’t know. It was more his reaction to my enquiry that pissed me off, like I had no right to ask, just very defensive. Even though he broke it off with her and it was acrimonious and they’ve not spoke since everything was finalised financially, it still feels like he protects her but I’m not sure if that’s all in my head. I tell the odd anecdote about my ex and take the piss about him but DP basically never mentions her, good or bad, and her as a subject is off the menu totally. To me that’s just weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepFreeZone · 17/08/2018 09:54

And I agree with the PP who says that when we get nothing from our OHs then it’s easy for us to make 2+2=5. I think that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve decided he’s still in love with her I think 🙈

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 17/08/2018 09:56

Doesn't that come to the differences between men and women though? Men just aren't as inclined to want to talk about their day to day life in detail, on average.

Nah i don't think so, my DH talks more than I do

Trinity66 · 17/08/2018 09:58

They were together for 14 years, we’ve been together 7 (with two children). It wasn’t particularly interesting, but it was something I didn’t know. It was more his reaction to my enquiry that pissed me off, like I had no right to ask, just very defensive. Even though he broke it off with her and it was acrimonious and they’ve not spoke since everything was finalised financially, it still feels like he protects her but I’m not sure if that’s all in my head

Talking about exes can be a bit awkward though sometimes (especially if he doesn't hate her) I wouldn't take it personally that maybe he doesn't feel entirely comfortable talking about is ex with his DP

Original poster
SleepFreeZone · 17/08/2018 10:01

I have no idea Trinity! I think when we were first together I respected that his previous relationship was more important than what we had as that had been all he’d known since his mid twenties, I was deferential to her in my head. But FFS it’s now been seven years and two kids, why do I still feel like she’s more important than me?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 17/08/2018 10:10

I have no idea Trinity! I think when we were first together I respected that his previous relationship was more important than what we had as that had been all he’d known since his mid twenties, I was deferential to her in my head. But FFS it’s now been seven years and two kids, why do I still feel like she’s more important than me?

aww I doubt she is though and maybe this is why he feels like he should just leave the past back there? If they don't even speak to eachother I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. I guess because they were together for such a longtime it's hard not to compare yourself to her and your relationship with theirs but just remember they broke and you two are together. I would try to let it go, it's in that past, what does it matter now really? Don't make her a part of your relationship

Trinity66 · 17/08/2018 10:10

broke up*

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2018 12:33

@Trinity66 is spot on, I feel. Sounds very much like it's your issue rather than his, actually.