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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why can't I just leave?!

8 replies

ems137 · 15/08/2018 16:35

I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years. Before this I was a strong, independent single parent of 2 (now 4). I often question what the hell has happened to make me so weak.

Obviously I know the answer, it's how I've been broken down mentally and now I can barely make a decision without seeking approval, it's ridiculous. I think my dad has started to see through him and I've been opening up to my best friend and I feel like I am slowly gaining the confidence to end it.

I'm not entirely sure of what's stopping me. I know my life will be less stressful and so much easier without him. I'm fairly sure he'd not bother with the kids if we split up so I suppose that's been a worry. Also he's such an arsehole that "if" he did bother he'd turn up with the next girlfriend with him to play happy families within days of us separating and I haven't felt mentally strong enough to rise above it tbh.

He's spent all my (considerable) savings and I literally have nothing. I had a lovely house, a brand new high end car, a job I loved and lots of friends when I first met him. Now, I live in a council house, don't even own a vehicle, haven't worked for 3 yrs and only have one friend. All of these things I know I can change but it's so hard starting again.

Anyway, I just wanted to get it all out. I've had such a shit couple of weeks but am starting to see glimmers of hope.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 15/08/2018 16:38

Op be transparent,
Tell your family, ask for help.
You can leave him, you’ve just started the process.

Gilead · 15/08/2018 16:42

Happened to me, only I did over 20 years. I moved into my own house last week. Mine, and in my name only. I love it. You can do this!
Flowers

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 17:17

hi Op it’s a question I have been asking myself for years too! But I am finally finding the courage to change it. I hope you can do the same.

Imreadyithink · 15/08/2018 17:19

The seeking approval thing really related to me.

Musti · 15/08/2018 17:20

Hey. You did it before and you can do it again.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2018 21:00

You can always make more money, but you can NEVER get back the days you waste with him. If that isn't motivation enough, I don't know what is.

Babdoc · 15/08/2018 21:12

OP, I’m sending you a hug and an injection of confidence! You have already done the hardest bit - you’ve recognised what is happening, and you’ve accepted that it has to change. You’re making the first little steps towards opening up, telling people, getting help to leave.
That’s tremendous progress for someone who’s been slowly ground down by an abuser. Please give yourself praise and credit for this. Encourage yourself to keep planning your escape. Visualise a happy future where you are in charge of your own home again, where nobody is destroying your happiness or putting you down.
Once you are free, you will start to heal, and your self esteem and confidence will come back in leaps and bounds.
Everyone on MN will be supporting you, so keep going. Do this at your own pace, when you feel ready for each stage. You will succeed.
My prayers for your safety, recovery and happiness, OP. God bless.

ems137 · 15/08/2018 21:28

Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate your comments. I genuinely have a new sense of confidence and I now know 100% that I'll tell him to leave Thanks

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