How can I encourage bf to change his lifestyle

[Sara78]

Sorry in advance if this turns out to be a long rambling post ! Have been with my partner for just over 2 years and can honestly say he is the love of my life. All is pretty perfect in our relationship apart from one thing. He is very overweight, I have no problem with this and fancy him like mad but because of it he has no sex drive and mine is totally the other end of the scale ! Because he hasn’t taken care of himself ever he now has a condition which means that blood flow is restricted which means he suffers with erectile problems. I thought to start with that was the only problem but he told me the other night that he just never even gets the urge to have any kind of sex. I really want him to loose some weight as it is having a massive effect on his health in many other ways too . He knows he needs to do this but never seems to do anything about it which is so frustrating . I have tried to kindly point out the amount of calories in some of the food he eats , stopped buying any sweet treats but I can’t stop him buying them himself ! Any advice on how to encourage him without making a huge issue or becoming a constant nag 😕

Sorry to say but this is really something that he need to realise for himself. I was a big guy once and my moment came when I couldn't play with my kids at the park. Often it takes a 'moment of sobriety' like alcoholics to shock a person into action, you certainly can't do it for them. Just be supportive and understanding, but also lay out that you are not happy with the status quo and your relationship is at risk, that may be the kick he needs.

Sexual compatibility isn't a minor thing and given his lifestyle there's nothing to suggest it's going to get better anytime soon. You are currently waiting around for the 'future' him to possibly show up.

You're on to a lost cause here and the frustration of him not bothering, will corrode your relationship until all the good things are dwarfed by seething resentment.

You can't make him want to have sex or to do the things he needs to do to want to want sex. His current actions say he isn't bothered, listen and accept it.

If he has restricted blood flow it’s only a matter of time before he has a stroke and stays in a wheelchair. If he was ever going to change he would have done so by now. Your relationship hadn’t galvanised him into action, so maybe your split might do. Personally, I would call it a day, you are not his nurse.

Other end of the scale, but i was drastically underweight due to anorexia. Agree with PP about having a moment.

Although my new relationship made me want to try, and at the time i thought that was my moment, and i began making changes because of him and with his encouragement and support, my real moment came when i couldnt lift my head off my pillow. I was alone with my kids. Theyd just woke up. And i physically couldnt get up.

Similarly, not health related, he has made big life changes because of and supported by me, but its still come to a point of his own, ive had to step back and let him see for himself without my input. And then hes acyually made changes to better the situation.

This is in the space of a year. I think if he were going to change hed have at least been working on it by now, even if the moment hadnt come that really gices him that kick up the arse.

My ex was a very big bloke who had lots of weight related health issues, mainly cellulitis (apologies re spelling).

He decided to go on a diet which I fully supported, and I cooked and helped him prep filling and healthy meals, until 3 weeks in and no weight loss, a friend mentioned she kept seeing him at the chippy near where she worked. Which was way out and he wasn't working in that area, when I asked he said it was him.

when I wanted to lose weight I joined SW and did it myself no one can do it for him!

Could you take up some kind of exercise together? Even if just nice long walk? I find I want to eat better when I exercise.

Apologies meant to add, He regularly went hungry as a child and had what I would say was an abusive childhood. But he would never discuss that the over eating could stem from it or accept that it could be an emotional problem.

There is not a single thing you can do. This is all on him. What you have to decide is of this is how you want to live the rest of your life. You may love him, but the resentment and pain will only grow until you're miserable. What a waste of a life.

Agreeing with what everyone else says - he has to want it for himself, and there is nothing you can do to make him change.

I know it feels like if you could just find the right words, encourage him, support him, show him how much better he would feel and how you could do it together, etc etc - it won't work.

All you can do is be clear about what you want from a relationship and how it impacts you. Don't tie it to his weight - but you can talk about how much you miss sexual intimacy and how you would like to be able to do more active (non sexual) activities with him.