Ending an Emotional abusive marriage

[hope1000]

Hi, need help here.. I don't want to take him back..
Just ended a marriage with an emotional abuser. It's taken me years after keep taking him back. I think I've finally accepted that I can't change him, but I can change me. I'm not prepared to take it anymore.
I've told him, he's angry, obviously blames everything on me. He said he will leave when he's ready.
Bit worried that he will empty the house when I'm out and empty the joint account.

I haven't thought how to cope financially yet, as trying to not panic (incase this becomes a reason he stays). I only work one day a week, have two children in primary school. Family live over 300 miles away.

In the past I cave in when he's sorry.. and I don't want to do it again but struggle with anxiety and the pain of a broken heart and broken dreams I find is so painful and suffocating. Anyone have any advice or been through this?

Hour by hour. Day n6 day.
Meet the problems as you find them
Some might not even show up.
Be in the present moment and relish the peace.
That peace is with all of it.
You might find a few more hours work

You will get benefits he will be comepelled to financially support.
Tjere are more resources availa le than you are aware of so you need to ask for directions and then do some digging.

Open a bank account with an unrelated bank TODAY.
Move half of the joint account into it.
Make sure the existing joint account has NO OVERDRAFT facility.

My exh went to the bank immediately and withdrew everything, leaving it overdrawn. This was ten minutes after speaking to me on the phone to say he would never do this - he was already driving there FFS.

Expect the worse, but know you are doing the right thing.

I left with my two primary DC for just the reasons you are writing about. It has been the hardest time of my life, but not for one second do I regret doing it.

Much luck.

Hey lovely. Go on the entitled to website and see how much help you'd get. Speak to a solicitor to see what you would need to do and what he'd have to provide.

I put off doing that for a long time but was pleasantly surprised at what I would get.

My dc 's are not his so he doesn't have to pay me a penny for them. Spousal maintenance maybe? But I know this may sound weak but I don't want to divorce right now.. I don't think I'm strong enough.

It's not really about the money, I don't want a battle. House is rented and in my name not his. I just want peace, to feel safe and not walking on eggshells every day.

Thanks for tip about the bank account - I've just withdrawn from joint savings only the amount I put into it (so it's fair) and left him the rest. I should have enough for two months rent, whilst benefits are being sorted. The joint account Is not very full as it's middle month.

Teabay, sorry you have been through this too. I'm really scared..
scared of feeling emotional, scared of his reactions,scared of feeling empty.
I don't know what I miss really, just someone there.
I know what is ahead as I've been there so many times. This time I think it's it now. No going back.

I just don't want to go back on my decision and when I get weak I cave.

Prepare to feel emotional and scared OP - it's normal. You're changing your life!

You have two healthy DC - you can't buy these, you are very lucky.
Would you consider moving back the 300 miles, if you don't need to maintain contact with the DC father where you are? It's drastic, but you may as well move to where you have roots and support.

You can do this. Hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to. It will get easier, I promise you. Just try to get the basics covered and everything else can wait. I have been in a broadly similar position and was almost sick with worry, very few of these worries came true. Believe that you and your children are worth more than this and just take baby steps.

Also, please keep posting here as often as you need. There are some seriously wise people on MN and they will get you through this.

Thankyou so much. Just nice to talk to someone. Friends and family have heard it all before, they warned me everytime i took him back.
It's just painful even though I know it's the right decision. I knew it previously too but I loved him, and being a Christian lady wanted to stick to my vows and submit as a good wife.
I feel sick, I'm on edge.. until he actually leaves I cant relax.

Can't imagine he will come home and start packing like hi ho off I go.. so the dreaded guilt trip to come, alongside some anger, then the sorry for himself Look etc.. big sigh 😔

Would you be able to have someone there with you when he gets home? They could be support for you, and he won't want to show himself up by being a wazzock in front of them.

Given what you say about him, I'd be prepared for him to straight into nasty mode. It's hard at first (I left someone last year) but does get better.

He said he's going tomorrow. Threw his wedding band at me, said lots of awful things, passed the blame on me.
Left me sobbing whilst he made himself a bowl of cereal and played a game on his phone. It's like he cannot show any emotion whatsoever.
I was hoping he may have acted like he cared a little bit??! Or show some compassion ?😢

Why is it I'm crying like this for him when he's been so cruel to us? I just want someone to hug me, feel totally alone and worried for future.

You will be so much better without him. Of course he'll blame you so don't try and discuss or make him see because you wont.