It's not about a partner, it's my mother.
I'm in my late 30s and things have come to a head, and I'm frozen with anxiety. I'll try to give a general outline of what things are like.
As a child, I walked on eggshells. She would hit at random- once I spilt a cup of tea on her, and she slapped my legs. When my dad pulled her up on this she said "she hurt me, so I hurt her". I was about 10 at this point. Another time she slapped me round the face in the street- I was 14. My crime was to have said a word she didn't like. Not a swearword, but she had a list. I never knew what was on the list until I said them.
These are just two examples. My whole childhood I was on tenterhooks- her mood dictated all.
As an adult, she criticises everything. My weight, my house, my parenting. If you try to be positive she turns it round. So I'll be chatting and say, 'I took DS1 for a hair cut' and she'll respond by saying, 'thank god for that, he looked dreadful'.
Every happy occasion she causes a fuss. She'll insist on helping, because I'm clearly too useless to get anything organised, and then shout about it. During my wedding I was unwell for a short while- I was pregnant and had a really bad leg cramp...my DH and my aunt helped me out of the room and my DH was helping me to stretch it out. It sounds so trivial but I was in immense pain. My mother came out, asked what was wrong, rolled her eyes and went back to the party. Now I know that's a small thing but wouldn't any other mother be the one to stay for 5 minutes to check that you were ok? I was back in the room 10 minutes later. It wasn't a huge thing, but it's stuck with me.
When I was in labour with my first baby I had a really dreadful time- 2 and a half hours pushing. She kept telling me to 'just bloody push properly so we can all go home'.
She goes on about not seeing me enough, but only wants me around on her terms. I'll invite her to places, she is not interested. I've stopped inviting her for meals here because she'd act like she was doing me a favour by coming, then criticise my house, then go as soon as possible. I invite her on days out with the kids, she's not interested. But then I hear that I don't make enough effort.
Thanks if you've read to here. Now, here's the problem. If it was just the above it would be straightforward, but there's another side to her. She's incredibly generous. Always buying things for me and my DD (not so much my boys, although she'll slip them money.) She has bought me more than one car. She spends hundreds at Christmas. On the flip side of this, she ignores my DH's birthday, for no reason at all.
She tells me she loves me. When she's had a drink she tells me I'm a wonderful person. Her friends say she's proud of me.
I just can't fathom it. We've had a row where she basically rang me and shouted abuse then hung up. I read loads on here about toxic parents and I'd made my peace with the fact that she is one of them. I'm finally ready to step back and cut contact now, but I'm terrified that I'm wrong. What if it's me that's unbearable to live with? Toxic parents don't show love, do they?
I apologise for this being so long. If anyone has managed to read to the end I would be grateful for your thoughts.