Telling Family

[cockneylass]

I am having real stress and anxiety about telling my immediate family (namely parents) that STBXH and I are separating/ed. We have been together 11 years, married 7. We live really far away from all family (Long-haul) and have just left from spending time with both sets of parents. We have 2 DCs, who I am
Moving into a new place with in a matter of days. Have told nearly all Mum friends. Intention is to inform family but am so nervous about doing that and planning to via whatsapp and then turn my phone off! Does this seem really shitty? Interested to hear some of your stories on how you broke the news and how they reacted, just as a sort of hand-hold. Thanks in advance for sharing or any advice and tips.

It took me 5 months after actually splitting up to tell my family and in all honesty the reason why I hadn't split up with him years before was probably because I was scared of telling my parents.

I wrote them an email. It was absolutely fine. I then had a very long phone conversation with my mum and it was lovely. They just want you to be happy and make sure that you'll be ok. Good luck op.

Why are you nervous to tell them? If we can pick that apart, it might be helpful :)

When I decided a few months ago that stbxh and I were splitting, my parents were abroad and I rang them that day and cried down the phone. We tried again, it didn't work and when I decided it was finally over, I waited a couple of days (to try not to cry down the phone as they were away again!) and rang and told them. I was more worried about telling friends as viewed that as more "final", so sent a group message - but this was still only a few days after the split, not months and months

Thank you Musti. I’m Glad I’m not the only weirdo that is scared of telling parents! We’ve actually kept it from them for a few months because we (STBXH, DC and I) have still been in the same house and more or less carrying on as a (fake) happy family. However now with the move I really can’t hold off any longer. Was really uncomfortable spending time with them recently actually.

That’s interesting, Beyond. I have done the opposite and told pretty much all of my friends in person when I’ve seen them. The main reason I am nervous is that my mum is very anti-divorce. She thinks it ruins children’s lives (!) and that you should work at it for the sake of them. She herself is divorced and remarried but she waited until we were adults or near adults and maintains that was the right thing to do. Her DH divorced whilst his kids were pre/young teens. There are now a myriad of relationship issues between him and his kids and she puts that down to their parents divorcing. So yeah one of the reasons I’m worried is that she thinks it’s a very bad thing....

The other main reason is that I am worried about her trying to interfere/control the separation/divorce process. She can be quite demanding and controlling and I find it hard to avoid it/ignore it.

Anyone else got advice or care to share?

When I separated from XH, email hadn't been invented so I wrote them a letter and sent it by Royal Mail.

Disappearing 🤣🤣. Snail mail sounds like it would actually be my favoured method! Did they write back?

I asked my aunties who I'm really close to tell my parents and also asked them to tell my parents not to call me.

This was me, I was with my exh for 12 years and had a 3yo child.
It took me five months to tell my family who all live on the other side of the world.
I tested the waters with one of my sisters who I knew would be supportive, she could then lead the conversations they would all be having when I told my parents.
My reasons were different, I find that my parents worry so much that I feel I have to manage their feelings as well as my own, I needed to be in a place where I was confident in my decisions and had a plan for the future so I could reassure them.
I then made sure I kept in regular contact (thank you WhatsApp) so they didn't worry too much.

I can't help much as my parents were so happy when I kicked my ex out, they were over the moon! (So was I ). And the main mantra of my extended family is 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all' so about all I heard was 'that's nice, dear'.

If you think your mum or others won't keep their mouths shut, then I'd probably tell her by text message and let her spread the news. And I'd also probably tell Mum that I 'needed' peace and quiet for awhile so I was going to turn off my phone for a few days.

It’s really helpful to hear others have had the same anxiety as me about telling parents, thank you all.

I think my mum might get into a bit of a panic and be like “right this is what you need to do” etc, which I really don’t want so hopefully like another poster being confident in my decision and having a plan will help stop this.

I’ve pretty much told everyone but my parents and siblings who I plan to tell all at the same time. Just wondering- does WhatsApp seem a shitty way to do it? Defs do not rant to talk about it, so keeping phone off is a good idea. I think my mum will be highly offended by that though! That’s my problem, worrying too much about other people’s (mum’s) reaction. The struggle is real though!

If you are not living with her - she can only interfere if you let her...
however I understand you've got lots going on so maybe it will help if you have a plan.....for me it helps making myself focusing on 1 thing at a time...
so move sort that first thats a big thing esp with DC and when seperating..
then think about / write list if who you need to tell what (change of addresses etc) and maybe do an electronic change of address card...to the whole family (bcc so doesnt get into conversation )
then an email to her....you can then plan what /how..
I would email as then you can think of things she is likely to raise and provide the answers to

I think she maybe hurt/confused about why you didnt say anything when you were there? so maybe answer that

what if any help you want from her/family
plans to catch up wth them/ manage comms in the future...

maybe phone her to say you're sending an email....if shes not on email a lot but your really busy so will catch up in a couple of days....

You may want to think about why you are so bothered though..

I think if you can word the WhatsApp message in a way of " it's not you it's me" you'll be fine. Maybe that you are feeling so emotional that you just can't talk about it so you're taking the 'easy way out' for yourself? As opposed to saying "I don't want to hear about this from you guys!"

Thanks for the advice everyone. I am planning to send an email tomorrow. Explain that we are separated with a brief summary of why (she will want to know). I will outline what the plan is now moving forward, as again she will want to know. I hope she will understand why I didn’t tell her when I was at her house recently, but will just explain that a bit to make it clear. Will end with something like I need a bit of time and not up to discussing it much just now in the hopes that she won’t bombard me with calls/messages etc. Which I’m sure she still will. Anyway has to be done. I just need to go for it and rip that band aid off.

that sounds good - if you think she will phone could you block her for a couple of days? on my phone its quite easy to put blocks on and take them off....
or call forward everything to voicemail ! then you can choose when to answer......
same with email maube have a 'rule' set up to forward all emails to a folder....gives you time...also enables you to start having some mental space from her ...