New relationship - looking at curvy models online

[eatingtomuch]

I was married for over 18 years, in a relationship for over 20 years.

I was single for 3 1/2 years before trying online dating.

I met someone May this year and all has been going well. I am struggling with deciding what's acceptable in a relationship or not.

We have discussed porn and he admitted he watch it when single as a means to help him release himself, but it wasn't a regular habit and wouldn't watch it now in a satisfying relationship.

Last night we were sharing picture of our weekend on our phones (we did separate things this weekend). He was flicking through and a picture of a girl came up, which was a screen shot.

I asked what it was and it was a picture from an Instagram group he follow, which is curvy girls. They are not naked but lots of cleavage etc.

I'm not sure if I am unreasonable to feel a bit odd about this. It's clear he was looking at these pictures while I was away and saving favourites to his phone.

He was very open about it. He showed me the Instagram account and likened it to looking at favourite celebrities (apparently they produce a calendar).

He has offered to stop following the group if it upsets me.

I feel torn about the situation and really not sure why it has unsettled me so much. I am a curvy size 14/16 so fit the profile of what he likes. However, I have lost a lot of weight and still don't feel confident about my body (lost over 6 stone). I think if I'm honest that is my problem.

Lots of spelling errors sorry on phone.

Not really sure what I expect people to say. Just sat here feeling unsure.

He's not doing anything wrong by looking at images on Instagram. As long as he respects you and he's a good man and you get on then this isn't really an issue.

I would be pretty sceptical that he wouldn't use porn just because he's in a relationship. I would assume he would still be masturbating, and if he always used porn to masturbate (however infrequently) then that might be quite a difficult habit to change. Unless he has a very low sex drive and doesn't want to masturbate anymore.
Moving to wanking over fantasies about these "curvy" women is a step in the right direction though, if that's what's happening.

You have to draw a line somewhere. Where is your line? It sounds like they're not that distasteful glamour shots, taken of women much less likely to be being exploited than women in other related industries. You make your own rules but I would be genuinely very happy if DP started using images like that instead of porn. It's not like either makes me feel good about myself, but morally it's less contentious.

I still wouldn't want to see them, though, and would tell him to be smart enough to put them in a hidden album or something.

I honestly don't see anything that wrong with it depending on nature of photos & if being positive, you've said he's looking at women similar looking to you. Nothing more annoying than a man ogling over girls or fetishes that are different !! Depends really on nature of images for me personally.

Thanks all that does put it not perspective.

The site was no worse that you would see in swimwear magazines and underwear sections on mainstream sites. A number of the girls were dressed albeit in low cut tops like the one he saved.

He definitely likes curvy women, I think I am the smallest person he has dated.

Everything else about him is great so far. I think I feel vulnerable, never had to consider drawing lines before and finding it difficult to have these conversation. This is not because he is not open to discuss it, it is me.

Also I think I found the saving the photos to his phone the most unsettling part of this. If he was flicking through the pics on Instagram it wouldn't seem so bad.

Put it in perspective

I get how it'd hurt a bit but there's nothing wrong with what he did. Also, the fact that he has a real life curvy woman in you is what matters.

I am conscious of my big bum but the last two guys I've slept with have absolutely loved it so we have to just be Happy and confident with ourselves.

Most Men follow most “hot” models eg love island Megan I don’t think anything is wrong in that and I bet they are more revealing than what you describe. Also porn most men do this, sorry. Aslong as he treats you well what is the issue ?

Wouldn’t faze me in the slightest.

If he found a picture of your favorite celeb with his shirt off on your phone would he get upset?

I would have no issues if I found DH looking at these types of pics, because I'm following my favorite hot celebs on Instagram as well.

Thanks all. Feeling a lot more confident about it now. Think I was just a bit shocked that he had saved some.

Eurgh. Who the hell finds Love Island’s Megan “hot?”

She’s a walking ad for why you should leave nature to it. More plastic than on Blackpool beach after a bank holiday.

I'd personally feel a bit weird about it too but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me in isolation. However, I think the more relavent bit of your post is this:

I'm am struggling with deciding what's acceptable in a relationship or not.

There is no blanket "what's acceptable", there is only "what's acceptable to you". Your standards are yours to set as you please. It doesn't matter if every other person on the planet would be fine with this, it only matters if you are fine with this. If you're not, that's ok. That doesn't necessarily mean it'd be ok for you to insist he stopped doing it, but if you ever feel your standards for a relationship aren't being met then you are always within your right to walk away, even if everyone else thinks it's fine. Set your bar at the right height for you and no one else.

Oi I'm from Blackpool don't drag our beach into it 😂

Eurgh. Who the hell finds Love Island’s Megan “hot?”

Lot's of men. If you don't understand that, you really don't understand men at all.

P.S. Not ALL men, just lots of men.

I suspect I “know men” better than the majority of posters on this site, being I am one.

Granted I’m probably not in the Love Island target demographic any more, but even back when I was a hormone-addled teenager I wouldn’t have looked twice at her. Or Katie Price, post-op Pammie, or the thousands of unfortunate wannabe wags who think a trout pout, painted on eyebrows and false tits are a good look.

Personally I would find it quite sad and sleazy for a middle-aged man to be drooling over these pics - especially when in a relationship - but people on here always defend men's rights to do this, so ...