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Relationships

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Original poster

Anxiety- sexless relationship and ttc

18 replies

Kittenwhiskers1 · 15/08/2018 00:46

Hey everyone
Just feeling a little down and wondering if anyone experienced the same situation as myself.
Me and my husband agreed on starting ttc last November. We have been married for 4 years but together for 9.He sufers with anxiety and hates any changes, everything is a big deal ( huge crisis recently because he was called for jury duty and its a big fear for him) and its affecting our relationship to the point now he will make love to me only once every 6 weeks.pushing me off if i try to initiate anything, making me feel so low that i wont try again. Ive tried talking to him and explaining how important this is for me and how unappreciated he makes me feel. Ive been putting my careers plans on hold ( staying in this job to allow a better maternity package and not being promoted in case i end up pregnant) but now he tells me he is not evrn sure he wants to have kids.
I mean....what do i do? Give him a specific time to see if he gets help? I cant bear the tought of leaving him but i dont want to be in a relationship where we feel like roomates and i will resent him. Did anyone had a partner with anxiety while ttc?

OP posts:

Rednaxela · 15/08/2018 00:47

His words "yes darling anything you want"

His actions "fuck off"

HTH

ShumpaLumpa · 15/08/2018 01:02

How was the sex before you started ttc?

Any chance he could be asexual or gay?

Is he serious about no kids? If that's a deal breaker don't spend years waiting for him to decide. Don't waste your fertile years on him.

cantfindausername2 · 15/08/2018 01:02

Honestly, if his anxiety is triggered by unpredictability, a baby would probably send him over the edge. The early times with a baby can be chaotic at times. I would have a good hard think about having any kids with him right now.

Original poster

Kittenwhiskers1 · 15/08/2018 01:08

When we were dating we were like "rabbits" and then things started to slow down, even just before the wedding. But like 1 a week.. Then every two weeks.... If we are on holiday i might get lucky and 3 times in one week but then as soon as the holiday is over he stops cuddling and we go back to 1 a month/2 months

OP posts:

cupcakesandglitter · 15/08/2018 01:16

Me and DH had a rough patch like that.. turns out the stress of work and financial pressures were really getting on top of him, and it's not that he didn't want me, it's the fact that he had really low self esteem and confidence issues... maybe your DH is feeling similar? X

Scott72 · 15/08/2018 01:21

This depends on your age and fertility. You've had your fertility level checkout out? If you have plenty of time, then try and work out what's going on with him. If you don't have much time, then you'll have to be prepared to make hard choices.

Original poster

Kittenwhiskers1 · 15/08/2018 01:22

How did you fix it with your husband? Mine doesnt really have much stress at work or financial pressures as i take care of most. He has a steady job with fixed hours ans no desire to progress. He stopped helping around the house and focus on his sports and its "me" time for him so he can take his mind of things.but i think he his now becoming selfish , all about him and giving me zero support. We even discussed him seeing a doctor but he doesnt want to take any medication. Recenlty applyed for a counseling group for anxiety but the gp said it could be months before they reply

OP posts:

Original poster

Kittenwhiskers1 · 15/08/2018 01:24

Im 31 and he is 32. I haven seen my gp yet as it seems pathetic and embarassing for me to tell him in ttc but only having sex once a month :( can the doctor test ypu for fertility ?

OP posts:

Goostacean · 15/08/2018 01:29

The comment in your OP that stood out to me was that you’ve not tried to get promoted in case you get pregnant?? I really think you should continue “living life” - what if it never happens (God forbid)? Or takes much longer than expected? You shouldn’t be putting everything on hold, IMO, especially with a DH who is clearly indulging himself and his desires...

No experience with an anxious DH so can’t give any insights on that, I’m afraid. Wishing you the best.

Scott72 · 15/08/2018 01:38

I don't have much experience here, but I'm sure it would be a good idea to get a general gynecological checkup to see if you are in general good health and check for any obvious problems.

Your husband sounds seriously depressed. But at some point you do have to think of your interests and whats best for you too. If you want to start a family you can't afford to waste too much time.

Frazzledkate · 15/08/2018 01:47

Our experience with ttc was hideous. At it like rabbits till then. Had been together only about a year and a half. He said he felt like a sperm machine, I felt unattractive and angry, which didn't help his stress. We even ended up using viagra and both of us think of it as a horrible time of our lives. But somehow we persisted and it happened! Then we managed three in two and a half years, but that's another story! Be patient with him and try to dtd when you're fertile. If he's scared of change it will be difficult for him. But worth it. Good luck x

category12 · 15/08/2018 04:36

Are you sure you want kids with this man? Are you sure you want to stay with him?

Sex is important and the early stages of a relationship (at it like rabbits) are not likely to come back - this is probably what his libido is really like. So is that something you can bear for the rest of your life?

He's not willing to take medication, so he's not doing everything he can to help himself. And he's using his issue to take the piss by not doing anything around the house.

He doesn't sound like a great bet to have dc with, tbh. He doesn't sound a good partner.

HustleRussell · 15/08/2018 07:25

Sorry but he sounds like a bit of a loser. Kids put an enormous strain on things and from what you have said, he sounds a bit mentally weak. I think he doesn't want children really (as he thinks he can't cope) and is stringing you along. Sorry. LTB.

schopenhauer · 15/08/2018 07:34

I agree he will struggle to cope with kids. They are completely unpredictable! And even pregnancy can have lots of surprises/stresses and of course you change a lot.

I definitely don’t think you should be putting off promotion in case you get pregnant. Go for it.

Do you definitely want to be a mother?

littlecabbage · 15/08/2018 07:41

It sounds as though you are already doing all the giving, and he does all the taking. If you have a child you will need his support, and it doesn't sound like you'll get it.

I appreciate that he has anxiety issues, but he isn't helping himself and has become totally selfish. I would have a good hard think about how badly you want kids. You are young enough to find someone else if you do want them.

swingofthings · 15/08/2018 07:43

He needs to focus on sorting out his anxiety and learning to trust you in making decisions that impacts on him. Until this happens, you won't really have him on your side. Even if you do get pregnant, then you'll have him freaking out about the birth, then him not helping with the baby because he is scared to hurt him, getting into a panic when they cry and then can't help etc...

To be honest, however much I can understand you wanting to be a mum, I wouldn't want to do that with a partner whose anxieties are ruling their lives. It can only get worse with a child and you'll feel even more alone left to do everything alone.

Your focus should be getting him to accept the impact of his anxieties on his life but also yours.

Laureline · 15/08/2018 08:28

Are you certain you want to have a baby with him? I certainly would not.
Also, his behaviour seems to indicate he doesn’t want children.

As he is right now, I don’t really see what you’re getting out of this relationship. You sound unhappy, tired and stressed. You’re sacrificing your career, taking care of the home without him pitching in, shouldering the financial pressures, and to top it all your emotional and physical needs are not being met.

AgentJohnson · 15/08/2018 10:03

Being anxious and being a lazy selfish fucker aren’t mutually exclusive you know. It isn’t anxiety that’s stopping him pull his weight domestically.

Take a step back and really think about the relationship you’re trying to bring a child into. Given what you’ve written about him, if you do get pregnant, there’s a strong chance that you would be essentially bringing up a child with minimal parenting input from him, him not keen to take up any financial slack and the expectation that you would continue being a domestic skivvy. Infrequent sex is the least of your problems and actually is a blessing in disguise because if you were already pregnant, it would make leaving an unfulfilling relationship a lot harder.

Stop focusing on the man he may of been or you desperately want him to be and accept the man he currently is; lazy, selfish and entitled.

There’s a good chance he saw marriage as an opportunity to stop putting in the effort because you’d be less likely to leave.

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