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Original poster

Meeting adopted sibling for the first time

18 replies

AsYouAre · 14/08/2018 23:11

This year I found out I had an older sibling who was adopted shortly after birth, I began searching for him and was over the moon to finally make contact. We've been chatting regularly online and he's fantastic.

We're meeting for the first time at the end of the month (along with our DM who hasn't seen him since the day he was born)

I'm really nervous, we haven't decided how we are spending the day yet and I don't want to let my nerves get the better of me and make a bad impression. DM is even more nervous than I am.

Does anybody have any ideas how to make it as least awkward as possible?

OP posts:
Livedandlearned2 · 14/08/2018 23:18

My dh is adopted (only by his dad, who married his mum) and his half sister had been searching for him for years. She found him and they arranged to meet when dh felt ready.

They went to a neutral place, a city, half way between each other's homes. That way either party could leave if they wanted to.

The relationship built up very slowly, taking baby steps, with complete understanding both sides that no offence would be taken if either party wanted to wait.

Dh doesn't consider his 'new dad' to be family just yet and it's been two years, but they have a nice relationship.

I hope it all works well for you.

Livedandlearned2 · 14/08/2018 23:20

They went around a few city landmarks for their first meeting and a casual lunch.

His new dad didnt meet him the first few times, he wrote dh a letter to explain why he agreed to be adopted and that he kept photos and a few sentimental items so that helped dh to not feel abandoned I think.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 14/08/2018 23:29

Thank you for sharing that, Live.

We will be meeting in a city too and I think lunch is a good idea.

He's keen to meet his nephew (my baby) so will be taking him along, he's a very happy chap so will probably be the ice breaker.

We've gotten to know one other online a little, likes and dislikes etc and have discovered some common ground which will hopefully keep the awkward silences at bay.

To be honest I'm more worried about DM than me, knowing her she's going to be in shock and probably very quiet

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jaffacakeany1 · 14/08/2018 23:30

My older "long lost sister" got in contact a few years ago. We all (myself, mum and younger sister) met up at a Zoo, it was very relaxed and not uncomfortable at all. It was a lovely day and all still very happy to be in touch. Good luck!

Original poster
AsYouAre · 14/08/2018 23:32

Its very encouraging to hear others have had positive experiences Smile

Zoo is also another great idea!

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Livedandlearned2 · 14/08/2018 23:36

It probably depends on your half brothers feelings towards your dm. He may understand why he was adopted and be happy in his life. He might want to talk about what happened and then again he might not feel the need.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 14/08/2018 23:42

Until he and I spoke he was of the impression the adoption was mums decision but it was her father who pushed her to give him up. She was young and still living at home.

He's at peace and doesn't harbor any bad feeling toward mum, he's upset for her rather than with her. I've told him everything mum has told me but as it was such a long time ago she has for her own self preservation blocked a lot of it out. It hurt her very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 14/08/2018 23:43

He had a happy adoption and has gone on to lead a very fulfilling life which is brilliant. I think mum is hoping he won't want to delve into the past, I've explained to her that he still might need closure

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SuperSuperSuper · 14/08/2018 23:51

He probably won't do much delving at the first meeting (if indeed he does any).

Taking the baby is a great idea.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 14/08/2018 23:54

For context mum has learning difficulties which he now knows about so with that in mind I doubt he will press her a lot

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Livedandlearned2 · 15/08/2018 00:36

That's positive, that he understands the reason.

Have a look to see if there are any events on in the city on the day you meet. We went to a wildlife photo exhibition which meant no one needed to keep a conversation going.

Have a lovely time and hope your mum does too.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 15/08/2018 07:52

We were in this position some 25 years ago when my older adopted brother traced our mother.

Agree with others that 'doing something' (zoo, exhibition, walk in the park) is good, as it takes the pressure off and you can dip in and out of 'family' conversation. Remember this is only the start, you don't have to cover everything at the first meeting. Bit like a date, you get to know each other and develop a relationship over time.

Your mum will probably find it a bit emotional and it would be good to give them time alone unless they clearly don't want it.

Each situation / individual is unique of course. For us we are all clear that my half-brother has his own parents & siblings. Our mum is his mother but not his parent. We're not in frequent contact (that's just the way our family is generally Grin) but there's a comfort and satisfaction in knowing where we all are in life. About 15 years ago now we were all invited to my half-brother's wedding which impressed me that his parents could be so open to us.

I think for our mum it's given her closure on a very difficult time of her life and she's been reassured that it's worked out well for my half-brother. My half-brother has the answers he wanted (and some extra siblings whether he wanted them or not Wink).

Hope it goes well. It certainly makes for an interesting family tree Smile My half-brother has children now so we're branching out all over

Original poster
AsYouAre · 15/08/2018 09:37

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, its great to know they've all been positive ones!

Feeling a lot better for posting Smile

OP posts:
Bin85 · 15/08/2018 09:46

Watch some episodes of Long lost family ( like last nights)for ideas
Maybe your Mum should have a few minutes alone with him first?

Original poster
AsYouAre · 15/08/2018 10:36

I saw a good episode of long lost family a couple of weeks ago and found it very comforting to watch

I agree with giving him and DM some alone time and I will definitely do that, although I think DM will be very uncomfortable and awkward to start with and I hope that doesn't put him off or make him sad

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ClaudiaNaughton · 15/08/2018 11:09

Maybe warn him that she might find it overwhelming at first.

Musti · 15/08/2018 12:52

Aww hope you have a great reunion.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 17/08/2018 00:40

I've told him all about mum including her vulnerability, he's not put off and knows to expect she's going to find it hard to begin with.

He's a mild mannered lovely person who comes across as very caring so I've every faith he will be gentle with mum

Cannot wait to see him in person, we've gotten somewhat close already and have spent days talking non stop for hours at a time

What a wonderful thing it is to have found himSmile

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