Family Resentment

[FamilyIssues2018]

I’m a long-time lurker and have seen the great advice many posters have received in this forum.

I’m having a few issues with extended family. I come from a family where no one has really had much of an education - everyone has manual jobs etc.

I’ve gone to university and have a professional job. DH also has a professional job. He comes from a working class background too.

Extended family seem to want them jeep me in my place. Growing up we all spoke very slang. In my job I have to speak fairly politely so I guess how I speak has changed. I don’t have a posh accent or anything, just pronounce words properly.

I’ve heard the remarks extended family make about others in my situation where they’ve moved away, got a good job etc. Lots of, who is he/she kidding, who do they think they are, they forget themselves etc. A few subtle comments have been made to me which make me think they say the same about me. I know that they think I’m a snob because I choose to live in a nice area, for example.

They seem to think I’m putting on an act. I’m not, I’m just myself but they make me feel uncomfortable bring myself of around them. As children/teenagers we are a product of our environment but as a professional woman in my 30s I’ve developed into my own person.

Why can’t they accept that?

I find myself being uncomfortable speaking the normal way I do when I’m around them because I know they’ll judge. Im careful about what I tell them because I know they’ll judge. I can’t get the remarks I’ve heard them say about others out of my mind.

I’m dreading when I have children as my parenting style will be different from the style that I see that they have. We were all once close but now it feels like I’m not their cup of tea.

I don’t expect anything of them. I just want them to let me be myself. I know that’s not likely to happen but how do I deal with it? I’ve gone fairly low contact so it’s less of an issue than it used to be but wish we could just all be close. I feel I have to keep them at arms’ length.

Does anyone else have any experience of this?

My family always said I was clever and seemed proud of it but then expected me to come home in the first term of university. I was also pulled up on using 'swanky' language, as if I was trying to catch them out.

I adapted what I said and tried to keep conversation banal. But really you can't win.

That’s how I feel, like I can’t win.

My family used to be really proud but now they treat me like I’m an oddball.

I know it’s really about how they feel about themselves.

I already have a bit of a feeling of imposter syndrome and their behaviour doesn’t help. I guess that’s my problem rather than theirs though.

Just act like you want, like yourself, because if you can't win there's no point doing otherwise.

I think they’re jealous of you. They were able to be proud of you while it reflected well on their parenting etc. Maybe they want you to do well but not better than them?