Is this normal?

[scorpio57]

I'm a widow but for the last two years have been in a relationship with a younger man (he's 48, I'm 10 years older) who has only ever lived at home with his parents. A few months ago his 89 year old father was diagnosed with a serious illness and sadly passed away some three months later. My partner is devastated both with the original diagnosis and his passing which is understandable. His mother, although of a similar age, had surgery last year but to all intents and purposes has recovered well and although clearly not a spring chicken is, in my opinion, remarkable for someone of her age. My partner, however, seems to think she's at death's door and wont leave her for more than an hour or so at best. He's left his (part time) job, never stays over with me any more (she's just a 15 minute car journey away even in heavy traffic), has refused to come away with me on holiday (in this country so not a massive journey away) and seems to be trying to actually replace his father in that he's adopted all his old hobbies, habits and opinions.

I know everyone deals with grief differently but this seems excessive and it's beginning to irritate but I don't want to appear unreasonable. I managed to persuade him to come out to the movies the other day and he refused to turn off his phone in case his mother needed him which of course she didn't.

I dread to think what's going to happen when its her time. What do you think?

I think they’re all the world he’s ever known and I feel sad for him. But I’m sure both his parents would tell him his life should go on and if he gets his mum kitted out with an emergency button then maybe he can feel free enough to relax a little

Whatever his problems are, it's no kind of relationship for you. If you want to keep trying, then suggest he gets grief counselling and looks into what support is available (if his mother requires the level of care he thinks she does), so that he can have a carer step in to allow him to go away. If he's not interested in doing that, then time to walk away, really - life is for living.

Quite honestly, I would have lost all romantic interest in him. He's narrowed his life right down - what on earth will he do when his mother dies? And he would be more use to her having a normal life now - it would reassure her he'd be okay when she died. She probably doesn't want him around the house all day anyway!

If someone hasn't left home in nearly 50 years it says something about them, doesn't it? He's not independent. He's terrified of change. He will never ever put you first. Honestly, OP, I'd end the relationship.

He's only ever lived at home with his parents? At 48? They have always been his primary relationship, not you. And now he is even more enmeshed and stepping into his father's role. You are going to be pushed out further as this becomes his normal. Soon he will start to further resent the time he has to take away from his primary relationship with his mother to see you.
Suggest grief counselling and if he agrees then this might be salvageable. If he refuses then you need to move on as this will only get worse for you.

And if you're 58 now, you want to stay as young as you can for as long as you can - if you stayed with him he'd have you all wrapped up in cottonwool and acting like someone twenty years older.

I think he's chosen to live a very narrow and limited life and you clearly haven't. I think you should probably move on.

It is never a good idea to go into a relationship hoping someone will change. You can be pretty sure of what the future looks like with this guy - he has chosen never to leave home and he is very enmeshed with his mother.

Are you hoping that he will one day grow up, move out and be an equal, adult partner with you? That will never happen. About the most you could expect is that, when his mother does pass on, you will be allowed to step into her shoes and mother him in turn.

You can decide - are you happy with him as he is? You may not want to live with him, or get married. You may find that a boyfriend (which is what he is - he isn't really "your partner", is he) suits you better than a full on spouse.

But don't fall into the trap of thinking "well, I'm sure things will change" when there is no reason (beyond "I wish they would") to think he will transform into the person you'd prefer him to be.

Thank you to everyone and you've pretty much confirmed my feelings. I do care for him but can't help thinking that however much I feel sorry for him, we're such different people now and I don't want to spend the next ten, fifteen or whatever years waiting for him to sort out his life so we can have a life together. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get myself out of this and move on.