Help me tactfully with sil

[knicksfan]

Finding being around dh's family a nightmare at the moment. Don't want to drip feed but sil puts us off visiting at all.

For context sil is only 21 but lives with his mum. She couldn't be more different to dh. There's a big age gap but they are so different.
She lives with Mum and works with Mum so she is with Mum constantly. They are at home together, go out together and wrk the same shift so it's almost impossible to see Mum without sil. Mil has more of a friendship than parent child relationship with sil and never says a word to her.

Sil is very childish, and I'm starting to think just not a nice person. Everytime we have ever been round she sits and badmouths the rest of the family. She says really nasty things behind every bodies back. She constantly complains she is skint and borrows money off family members and then buys £400 trainers and shows everyone what she has got, really grabby. She is extremely rude to everybody around her including the children.

She's visited us at home I think 3 times in 3 years and only when she's been invited. We try and see them when we can (no more or less than anybody else but We have busy lives. Pop in every few weeks) and regularly get angry messages saying we don't bother with her if we've not been round for a few weeks. Even though they are a ten min walk away and we always make all the effort.

What fucks me off is when we do pop in, it's like something off Jeremy Kyle. We will have the kids with us and she will stand outside of her house (at the front!) in her knickers and her boyfriends t shirt smoking fag after fag after fag. She never puts them out or moves away from us when we visit which makes it really hard because we don't actually want to, she doesn't get dressed (we have a 7 year old son) and stands swearing and bad mouthing infront of the kids.

I've tried to be nice because it's dh's family and I've tried leaving longer spells between visits. She seems to get worse. She is volatile and kicks off for no reason. I don't want the hassle. I don't want to visit anymore and I don't want my kids around her regularly if she won't grow up. But I don't want to have this out with anybody or cause an argument.

Dh agrees with me re her behaviour but won't say anything to her because he doesn't want the trouble and I think everybody just accepts that's how she is.

Do I go no contact? I don't Want things to be worse or sour but I don't want to see her either

If your husband agrees then you can easily just see less of her, be less available, don't go round. Is his mum nice?

Oh dear OP YANBU. It's harder when it's family and you know at some point it will become extremely confrontational and uncomfortable. I think just stick to a consistent reply to her accusations "I'm sorry you feel that way but we have been so busy with the DC and we are only down the road if you want to visit". Seems like she wants it her way or no way. I feel you. I have 2 Sils similar without the foul language though. Expect help with odd jobs, chores, gardening, plumbing you name it from DH and pleading poverty all the time and then when you pop in showing off with extravagant things bought in sales 55inch smart tv £1000 down to £700. King size crushed velvet bed £600 down to £400. So just because its sale item it's justified, but paying someone professional per job is considered waste of money they cannot afford. DH gets upset but just can't say no to them as he is an only brother and feels it's some kind of moral duty to give up a day on weekend off to help out. Worse when the pils don't intervene and expect it. Unfortunately OP you know your never going to be understood. It's either put up with it or really put your foot down!

@Shoxfordian Mum is lovely but more of a friend than parent to sil. She spends all of mums money and Mum is often left expecting people to come knocking on the door. She has no ability to say no to her or say hey that's not on. Such a weird situation because I don't know anybody else in rl that acts this way.

I think it's perfectly reasonable not to want your kids to be around someone who's smoking, swearing and aggressive. If you don't want to say that outright, how about arranging to meet your mil somewhere else that's child friendly? If sil comes, she will at least have to be dressed and non-smoking and the chances are she will be better behaved too.

There is nothing you can do but hope she grows up soon! I wouldn't go no contact as she may change when she's older and you don't want a rift.

@justdoit87 you have it spot on she is just like that. I think I may stick with that response. They will never have any understanding that we are making all the effort even though our lives are much busier and we have kids. I wouldn't mind her dropping in here, at least she would be dressed if she had to come to us.
I don't want things to blow up or get worse. I'm just sick of the constant guilt to dh for not putting in more effort.
We stopped lending her money 2 years ago but aside from that nothing has changed.

Tried again with sil today.
They have been on holiday.
She has called us everyday since they got back (Saturday) asking why we have not been down to visit.

Received a message today
"Hi knicks when are youse coming down to see me"

Dh wasn't here but we have both decided to put more distance between us and her for the sake of the kids and to suggest she comes to us sometimes so she at least has to get dressed.
She's a 5 min walk away and her dp drives. I have a very limiting disability.

I replied "hi, dh not here at the moment to ask so I'm not sure but I don't think we will be coming today. I've got the week off but I'm not able to walk today. You're more than welcome to pop to us though"

The reply I got was "oh I know I'm the same I've got a bad migraine "

1)how is a migraine the same as being unable to walk even with my crutches
2) why are we the ones with kids expected to rally round after her, why can't she lay off us it's not even nice being around her