Always being accused, I've had enough

[Debs85]

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping for some guidance and advice please about a situation I've found myself in. To start I have a 12yr old daughter and twin boys age 11, me and husband been together 15 yrs, married for 13 of those.
It's always been a hard relationship, he's 20 yrs older than me but it's never shown as much as it does now.
For many years I've been the brunt of accusations, always apparently doing something wrong or cheating (I've never cheated). Last week though he accused me of stealing money from his savings account, he checked his bank with his 23 yr old son!! And came up with all these accusations. He came and started on me straight away and wouldn't listen when I said I hadn't taken anything, any transactions from the bank are accounted for and can be proved. He might think I'm many things but being called a theif is the worst. We've hardly spoke as he's adamant I've taken the money.
I'm fed up of having to try and prove I haven't done things I'm being accused of.
He's always said if we split I've got to move out coz it's his house!!
I can't afford a rental deposit so can't go anywhere until I've saved enough.
I'm so unhappy and it's making the kids happy, I haven't spoke to my family coz I feel ashamed that he's accused me.
If anyone can offer me any help or advice that would be great
Thankyou so much x

Are you married? He's abusive and jealous- you'd be better off without him. See a solicitor to see what he would have to provide, look on the entitled to website to see what welfare help you'd get. You'll be surprised.

I'd see a solicitor to find out what the financial situation would be if you split.

Pack a bag and leave. Just temporarily but you need some head space.
Go to someone you can trust not to be judgey and tell them everything.

He's sending you crazy and you can't remain in that situation.
How is it HIS house?
You are married. It's an asset and is 50% yours!!!
So don't listen to that bullshit!
Do you work full-time?

His accusations are pure projection.
I would bet he's cheated on you in the past.
He's judging you by his own standards.
It's all part of the cheaters script.

Just get some space for now and really think about how you can do this.
Get to a solicitor and find out where you would stand if you were to separate.
How much equity is in the house?
What about other assets?
Properties, savings, pensions, cars.
Half of all of this is yours and don't let him tell you otherwise!

It's abuse and it's like death by a thousand paper cuts.
Time to get your ducks in row.
You will need your marriage certificate for divorce.
If he's out of the house in the day find any paperwork you can on accounts, savings, assets, pensions, wages, etc.....

Time to get wise and time to get informed!
Find a few local solicitors and visit them all, especially is they offer a free half hour. Find which one you are most comfortable with and go with them.

Thanks so much for all the replies. I'm looking at websites now and I can't believe how much help I would get, I'll be better off financially and also mentally, just need to sort a rental deposit and grit my teeth til I go. He talks to his kids about me but I'm not allowed to talk to anyone

Is his mind slipping perhaps? I know when my mils partner started with dementia his behind closed doors personality started to come out. We were accused of stealing and were banned from the house despite us provident proof that we hadn't done anything, he just made his mind up. It just got worse

Maybe it's time that you left him, you dont sound happy.

He talks to his kids about me but I'm not allowed to talk to anyone
OK..... stop listening to his bullshit!
Seriously!
You ARE allowed to talk to ANYONE you like.
You are an adult and you can do as you please.
If you can then please talk to someone in real life.
Support is so important for you right now.
Womens Aid may well be a good call as well.
The more you write the more abusive he is sounding and I think some advice from an experienced organisation could also help you escape from this situation.

@hellsbellsmelons thanks so much for all ur help today. My friends say he's been mentally abusing me for years. I don't go out, missed so many family events and I now feel so u secure coz I'm waiting for people to put me down

Definitely, definitely move on from this awful sit but you must see a solicitor first. You are married and should be entitled to 50%of all assets.

*situation

Thanks all so much, its nice to be able to talk and get advice. He tells me I'm being over dramatic. At the moment we aren't talking or sleeping in same room. It's easier not to talk coz I can't win anyway even if I have proved I'm innocent. I don't want my daughter to think this is normal behaviour of a male and I don't want my sons to think this is how they should treat people. My kids are being very supportive even though I'm putting on brave mum face

That's brilliant, well done. Now you know what you would be entitled to you can relax more. It would be worth getting an initial free solicitor appointment to know what you need to do. If you have kids etc, you may be able to stay in the house. But whatever, it's good to get legal advice so you know where you stand and what you should be doing.

He's so insecure about the age gap and his warped way of dealing with it, is to erode your self worth and damage your self esteem to keep you with him.

He wants you to believe this is as good as it gets, so you don't walk away and find a decent man.

He wants to beat you down into submission. I hope you realise it's him not you. You are entitled to a split of assets. You'll get child support for the children and possibly spousal support too.

Mumsnetters are a great support for abusive relationships.

Thanks @SandyY2K that's a really nice comment. What's a spousal payment? Never heard of that. So many people say it sound slike mental abuse but it's all I've known, been together since I was 18

well done in finding the confidence to research what your options are .. and know you can plan

It occurs to me that his older child/children might know something about this missing money, if indeed anything is missing. But, much more importantly, I agree with the others: do some research and talk to some organisations.

I think a pp was talking about spousal maintenance. It's apparently not that common but I have had a small amount from my exh. It would be worth looking into.

Spousal support/msintenance is either a lump sum or ongoing payments. Designed to help the financially weaker person adjust to their financial position after divorce.

It all depends on both your earnings duration of marriage and induvidual circumstances. A lawyer will be able to advise further on whether you might be eligible, but ultimately a court/ Judge decides.

He accused you of stealing in front of his son. Awful. Disrespectful and utterly wrong. Get out of this terrible marriage and get your life back