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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Grumpiness in a relationship.

10 replies

expatinspain · 14/08/2018 10:22

I had an issue with DP, in that he was quite grumpy and snappy for no real reason.
This is getting better now, as I call him out on his behaviour and it's more few and far between. If he is snappy for no reason, mostly he apologises and we move on. Pretty normal kind of relationship stuff.

However, the issue arises on the occasions I get pissed off and snap, which isn't very often at all. Last night was one such situation - we'd been to a fiesta here in Spain and it finished pretty late, usually we take DD for an ice cream and have a quick drink and go home. Last night we planned to meet his family who were in the same area afterwards to do the same as usual (usually we go alone, but this time with them. Never again!!) - ice cream, quick drink, then home. They were with loads of people, everyone was arsing about walking slowly, not making a decision about where to go, it was roasting and we had drunk all our water. All I wanted to do was take a seat and chill for half an hour with DD as we'd beee. On our feet for a couple of hours, then make the long walk back to the car. So I asked him twice, are we going somewhere - yes, yes, going with my mum and dad for a drink. We carried on walking aimlessly and at that point I was getting irritated. I was a bit snappy and he snapped back at me that we were just going to their car for them to give us a lift to our car (totally in opposite directions) and that we're not going anywhere as they just want to go home. Why our much better plans had to change and why we had to walk around hot, thirsty and tired to a car further away than ours, then drive back in traffic to our car, at 1am made no sense to me and at that point I was really pissed off. We could have turned back plenty of times and finished our night as planned, but no.

So no major row, just barked at each other a bit, me more than him, over what was a totally irritating situation and a complete waste of time in baking humid weather. So now, he's barely speaking to me. I apologised for being grumpy and said it wasn't his fault, but my feet were tired and me and DD were thirsty etc. This happens every time I get snappy or grumpy with him. He just can't take the apology and move on. Their was no swearing, name calling or major row and now I get at least a day of him acting like I behaved really badly towards him, yet I just accept an apology and move on. It's ridiculous. Sometimes in a relationship you get irritated and it shouldn't be a massive deal. We've talked about this before, but just seem to go round in circles. Does anyone else have this in their relationship and if so, how do you deal with it as it drives me insane! I can't be doing with prolonging silly arguments and bad atmospheres.

OP posts:
Musti · 14/08/2018 10:40

Well it is a real reason. It wasn't his fault that his family couldn't make their mind up and then changed their mind. Unless it's something that happens often you should just have grinned and beared it as the poor man was probably trying to please everyone. If he tends to put other's needs first usually then you have a problem.

expatinspain · 14/08/2018 11:20

I do tend to grin and bear things most times, and I know I wasn't being the most reasonable in the situation, but everyone gets irritated from time to time when hot, thirsty and tired etc. Surely you should be able have a tiff with each other and not have to have a day or two of a bad atmosphere? I certainly don't do that with him. An apology is accepted and I forget it and move on.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 14/08/2018 11:27

I guess some people are able to move from one mood to another more quickly. Hopefully your DH is over it now.

expatinspain · 14/08/2018 12:14

No chocatoo, he isn't. That was really my point of starting this thread. Sometimes it's a day, sometimes a couple, sometimes as long as a week. This behaviour is not over massive rows, just normal disagreements. I've never experienced this in a relationship before unless it's been over something pretty major.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 14/08/2018 12:23

Ime use the opportunity to have some time to yourself.
Exh used to do this, I took dc out /did some decorating at home /pottered about happily!! Left him to his toddler tantrum basically.
Notice he is an exh.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 14/08/2018 12:31

I actually agree with you OP , long term relationships or marriage are surely (abuse and extreme behaviour aside) about taking each other at your best and worst. As long as it's not taken for granted and there is an apology why can you both not move on.

My DP and I frankly can both be snappy and grumpy with each other...but the loving and affectionate behaviour is far more and we take both as simply being in a relationship

He is less an apologiser but most definately shows it through behaviour etc

I'm quick to apologise ,we have both said that in an odd way it shows that we are the people we feel safest with because we can be ourselves

I think it can be easy to say on the outside that you should have behaved perfectly but we don't all do We? It was hit and you were tired and you apologised (personally I think he was a bit silly and should have told his DP you were off to finish your evening but nbd)

My Exdh would punish me for any snappy moments by either manufacturing illness ( severe toothache was a common one) or be unterrably lazy for a couple of days...so yes yanbu he needs to get over it and move on

expatinspain · 14/08/2018 12:35

Doing exactly that April! Relaxing by the pool with DD and teaching her how to snorkel at the moment Smile

OP posts:
expatinspain · 14/08/2018 12:42

gettingbackonmyfeet I think you've hit the nail on the head there, it does feel a bit like a punishment. I know not everyone finds it easy to snap in and out of moods, myself included, but surely staying in a bad mood just makes you feel worse, affects people around you and in the long run causes damage to an otherwise good relationship. That's why I make the effort to snap myself out of it if I'm pissed off with him over something minor he's said/done. Otherwise you'd spend the whole time grumpy with each other!

OP posts:
tangoed2 · 14/08/2018 13:34

I 100% get it OP, my DP is the same!

He can be as grumpy as he wants and I should just accept it and not be annoyed and when he's finally ready to stop it I have to accept the apology and be fine but god forbid I'm snappy and grumpy! Days of him being annoyed and the atmosphere it causes is really horrible.

Hope you can enjoy the time with your dd and let him ruin it for himself and feel stupid when he wants to snap back to me happy again.

expatinspain · 14/08/2018 14:31

Thanks tangoed. It's a pain isn't it, because it's hard not to feel resentful when there isn't a balance in certain areas of a relationship and I really hate an atmosphere at home.

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