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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 15 years he wants to leave.

24 replies

colourfulsky · 14/08/2018 03:27

So after a 15 year relationship with my husband he has told me he is not happy and wants to leave. He says he still loves me but is not happy with anything else in the house. Kids, pets, the house, ect. Our kids, 16, 18 our mine but he has raised them with me. Their father has never been in the picture, he is all they have ever known. I am devastated. So he talks to a realtor, we talk about options and then things die down. He is still here after a month. Complaining about things but hasn’t left yet. It’s incredibly painful what he told me and it has pissed me off greatly. But it’s like he is too comfortable to leave. I don’t know if I should tell him too since he started it.

OP posts:
Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 14/08/2018 03:35

On op, what a horrible place to be in,
Did he at all try to change things?
How do you feel about it all?

BetterEatCheese · 14/08/2018 04:14

What a cruel thing to do, mention all this and then stay! My ex did this and it was so painful. He needs to go, even if only to go somewhere temporary. This isn't fair on you at all

Original poster
colourfulsky · 14/08/2018 04:48

Thank you both. :) He hasn’t tried to change things. Just makes comments and stuff like that. I don’t want him to be here if he doesn’t want to be. It’s very selfish of him to just stay after crushing me like that.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 14/08/2018 04:56

It's because the DC's have grown up.
Things have changed. He's not the parent and can't work it out.
I hope you can though Flowers

Original poster
colourfulsky · 14/08/2018 04:58

He’s apologetic. Says he doesn’t want to hurt me. Asked if I would take him back after he had some time to think. He just doesn’t want to be in the house anymore or around the kids. It’s horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
colourfulsky · 14/08/2018 05:00

I wouldn’t be able to though. After leaving us all like that? Nope.

OP posts:
PatheticNurse · 14/08/2018 05:05

I think he wants to bugger off with the woman who has caught his eye but has got the safety net of coming back to you if it doesn't work out.

PatheticNurse · 14/08/2018 05:09

Personally I'd tell him to fuck off. I have to much self respect to do the pick me dance.

I wanted to work out the issues in our marriage but stbxh didn't..... l soon found out why Hmm

OP - only you can decide if what he is wanting to leave over is acceptable and fixable. If not tell him to leave and we'll support you on here

Original poster
colourfulsky · 14/08/2018 05:22

PatheticNurse thank you. I thought of that as well and asked him. He said that was not an issue but of course he would.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/08/2018 06:03

I'd suspect another woman is in the picture.

Also, him blaming the kids? He could fuck right off from there. Tell him to go. Twat.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 14/08/2018 06:14

If there’s not another woman I’ll eat my iPad, however, (for me) it’s beside the point, he’d be GONE anyway. He’s been their DAD since they werre 1 & 3, HTAF does he expect to say he doesn’t like your kids, but stay living there. Says he doesn’t want to hurt you?...too fucking late mate. No, just no. Tell him to go.

(I bet the OW decided not to leave her DH or somehow got cold feet)

Notmany · 14/08/2018 06:53

Has anything changed with the house or his relationship with the kids? If not then I'd suspect outside influences (an OW but not always). The fact that he wants you waiting for him does raise suspicions I'm afraid.

Changedname3456 · 14/08/2018 11:57

Just to offer a different perspective, teen kids can be a pita and difficult to live with, and particularly so if they’re not yours.

I’ve had a step parent type relationship with my exW’s younger sister back when we were married. I’m now stepdad to my DP’s kids, one of whom is now in their early 20’s and VERY difficult to live with as they are bone idle around the house.

I’ll be honest. There have been times when I’ve got so fed up with the trashing of the place, and being an unpaid skivvy (I do more, due to circumstances, around the house than my DP), that I’ve seriously thought about leaving. It is incredibly frustrating to be picking up shite that a grown adult is leaving in their wake and seeing a room that was tidy and clean the day before look like a tornado’s hit it overnight.

When you’re the parent it’s a bit easier to suck it up and crack on.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/08/2018 13:01

Asked if I would take him back after he had some time to think
Translated - I'm into someone else but if that doesn't work out, you are my back-up plan, so before I do leave I need to make sure I leave you dangling and that you will take me back when I realise the grass isn't greener!

No way OP.
Get him gone.
What is the housing situation?
From the way you write, are you in the US?

I'd stop doing anything for him.
Stop making his home life so comfortable.
The kids are at an age where you can go out.
So join a gym or a club or both and get out there and enjoy yourself.
Make dates with friends and family.
Do not cook for him, shop for him, no washing, ironing, tidying.
Is there a different room he can move into?

category12 · 14/08/2018 13:09

Changedname, this man has been these dc's stepdad since they were small. If he isn't invested in them enough to get through teenage angst, there's something wrong with him.

Original poster
colourfulsky · 14/08/2018 14:59

Wow thank to all of you that responded. I appreciate it very much. I am new to mumsnet and need the perspective so thanks again. I am in Canada. :) So some more details. My kids both have chores they do around the house. My son 18, has a job that is almost full time and is going to college in the fall. My daughter 16, doesn’t go to school because she suffers from a serious anxiety disorder that my husband doesn’t understand. It frustrates him. She is in counseling, and him tutor. It has been a long road there. She has a support animal (cat) which he hates. I have done everything I can to make things easier for him when we got the cat including separating two rooms and building him a man cave. I don’t know for sure if he has someone else but I have asked him and he has denied. Just that he is unhappy. His mom is very sick, won’t be around much longer. Not the best time to separate them I would think. I haven’t been doing anything for him. Just working, taking care of my kids. He has been in his cave. But it has been almost swept under the table. I never told the kids at all.

OP posts:
kikashi · 14/08/2018 15:04

Do you think he might be depressed given the stress he is under with his mother's health?

Bigblue1970 · 14/08/2018 17:38

Sorry to say it but I bet there is another woman involved. I was fed very similar lines which he absolutely denied. Then guess what....I found out he was cheating with the trollop at work. Still trying to rebuild and he hates it when I tell him I wish he had left! I hope you find the strength I didn't have. X

Lo82 · 14/08/2018 17:54

@kikashi, i think you may have hit the nail on the head. Depression can be a cruel disease, changing rational ppl into someone u no longer recognise. Often making ppl feel trapped in their own lives which they were previously happy in. On the positive side there is lots of help out there and going through it as a couple can actually make the relationship stronger.
However depression does not give ppl the right to run rough shot over others lives.
Op you really need to have a good chat, read up about depression on line and if it fits the bill try and help him to see the symptoms for himself and hopefully he will become more proactive in the solution.
Good luck xx

Original poster
colourfulsky · 15/08/2018 05:36

@kikashi and @lo82. Yes his mom being very sick is an issue. Yes he is depressed about it. I grew up with mental illness in my family and I am very much used to it and dealing with it all. I am there for him and the whole thing no matter what. He has told me he just doesn’t want to do the whole family unit thing anymore.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 15/08/2018 06:54

You need to tell him to leave, don't wait around for him to make a decision.

TheStoic · 15/08/2018 08:46

I don’t necessarily think there is another woman. I know I would struggle with your family set up, if I was him.

That doesn’t mean you should tolerate his back and forth. He will probably find out the grass is no greener elsewhere.

AgathaF · 15/08/2018 11:20

There might be another woman, or there might not. No-one here knows. What's your gut telling you about this? I think depression, stress, maybe mid-life crisis are all strong contenders too. Would he see a GP?

NadiaLeon · 15/08/2018 11:47

If he's depressed that means he is sick. Unsurprising he is acting out of character.

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