bloody dh has started smoking again. I am so angry with him....

[filthymindedvixen]

..we both stopped before chrsitmas. I read Alan Carr's book and felt a genuine shift in something, a real ephinany moment which I haven't felt before in attempting to quit. DH has struggled far more but has persevered.
We just went away together and he insisted on a drunken cigar.
And today I cam back unexpectedly from somewhere and found him skulking behind the shed like a fecking 14-yr-old with a roll-up.

I'm just so disugusted and disappointed in him. Not to mention the fact that he was a nightmare to live with when he was quitting and I just cannot face going through that again.

I just want to slap him.

I can understand that you are pissed off, but having a go at him will just push him towards the fags. Suggest when he's ready to give up again, he goes to the doctors' and asks for support -most surgeries now have support groups/give out free patches. Sounds like he needs a different approach from the one that worked for you.

I know edam, that's why I'm ranting on here, not at him

He had some horrid bad family news last week which i think has been the catalyst, but you can't go through life reaching for the fags everytime it gets a bit tough...

CC? anyone any ideas?

Harsh as this sounds, ask him if he wants to break the news to your kids that he has a terminal disease. He'll have a 50:50 chance of dying early due to smoking.

We've had to do this with dd, and dhs cancer isn't his fault. Imagine how he'll feel if is is his fault. I'm going to spend Tuesday watching my dh had chemo which will make him sick, and feel lousy. He is 45.

Probably will not make 46.

Is that what your dh wants?

Sorry if this seems OTT, but I feel strongly about this.

MB, I know...

It won't work...
We found out last week his mother has breast cancer for the second time. (she smokes). Sadly, the threat of dying does not seem to discourage hardened smokers.

No, but that is nothing (dying that is) compared to telling your 10 year old that you are going to die. That is the really shitty side of things.

CC is taking her dd's swimming i think but i'll tell her about this thread.

Well, FMV, my xdp has started smoking too, in the past week because we have split up. He thought a fag would help.
He will be thinking Shit I wish I hadnt done this rah rah rah, all those things that made us all stop in the first place.
Hes hiding because he KNOWS its wrong, its stupid, its...oh its a failure.
But if he learns from this that he cant have a cigar, just one fag then its a lesson learnt for the future.
God. Fags are EVIL.

Sympathies, FMV, it took years for dh to give up and then a few more years for him to stop pretending he'd given up and lying about it . It drove me to my wits end as his family has a v strong history of strokes - all four grandparents and one aunt had them. I very nearly walked out on him as it affected everything - trust, the children, our sex life, everything. Anyway, AFAIK (see that's what the smoking/lying thing has done, I'm never really sure if I can believe him) he hasn't smoked for over a year and everything is better - going out is better, sex is better, seeing him cuddle the dcs is better, sitting next to him in the evening is better. Will he respond to any of that? Has he felt better physically since he stopped smoking?

FWIW - my sister was a serious smoker and it took her 3 goes with the Allan Carr seminar to finally quit, and since then she has been through the death of our father without lighting up again - it can be done and stressful times can be handled without resorting to a fag.

Get your DH to read what martianbishop says and really pay attention to it. We're in a similar situation. DH has a type of cancer for which smoking is usually a high risk factor but, ironically, he's never smoked. Just very, very unlucky. It's not curable but he's responding well to chemo so we're hoping to keep it at bay that way. Maybe years, maybe just months. Who knows? There is no worse feeling than watching your kids and wondering if they are going to grow up without a parent. My DH and martianbishops didn't have a choice. Yours does. Make him read our posts.

hugs to you mummydoit, it is crap isn't it?

Dd was in tears with me this afternoon over how unfair it all is.

A person can only give up smoking when he feels ready, and nothing will persuade him otherwise.

He had to want to.

And until that time, nagging will only encourage him to smoke more.

Sorry, but that's the truth.

Hugs back to you, MB. My DSs are a bit too young to understand. Only 3 and 4. In some ways it makes it easier as they just accept all the visits to hospital and the fact that Daddy's hair has fallen out and he's usually tired. I do worry terribly, though, about how I'm going to explain things if the worse happens when they're still so young. It really sucks, doesn't it? I wish I could make smokers live a day in our shoes to understand what they risk inflicting on themselves and their families.

MB and Mummydoit - I am aware of how fucking trivial these 'problems' must seem to you in your situations. As you say, your husbands had no choice. And here we have a chance of living and he is not taking it seriously

A close family friend developed throat cancer 2 years after stopping smoking and you'd think sitting with him and his beautiful daughters while attacthed to oxygen tanks would put anybody off smoking. (which dh and I both did for a year, visiting him and his poor family)

It's the most insidious drug ever.

AIBU to feel so angry that I can manage to deal with severe traumas and stresses (it's been a crap year on and off) without starting again??? Why can't he?

I don't think your problem is trivial at all, FMV. My sister who's a mum smokes, even knowing my DH has cancer and, would you believe the irony of it, my dad has the same kind of cancer. I get so angry with her for not giving up so I understand how you feel about your DH. All I can say is well done to you for quitting and I hope your DH sees sense and joins you.

I don't think that your problem is trivail at all, I'd be livid if I were in your shoes.

You are right, it is insideous. But people can quit, as you have proved. He has to want to quit, Expat is right.