Me and dh have been together 8 years married 4, no dc. We’ve had sex probably 4 times in the last 3 years.
We had some major struggles that all seemed lumped in one during this time, so sex became not even a priority, nevermind a high one. We lived with a rekative for a few years, which I think allowed us to bury our heads in the sand about it, we put it down to no privacy, stress etc. We have lived alone for the last 1.5 years or so, so our issues have been a bit more apparent.
I’ve come the realisation that on my part, I lost ‘desire’ for him because of the way he has been. He used to not take responsibility for anything, himself, the decisions he’s made, his health. Everything was someone else’s fault, he had an excuse for everything he hasn’t done properly. (I will say now, his dad and SM did pander to him in some ways and still do, so I think he’s never had to be responsible)
It’s almost like I lost respect for him. Since living alone, these traits became more obvious, we’ve had some major arguements, come very close to splitting.
The fact that everything blew up actually helped, and for the past 6 months we’ve actually had a good life together. We’ve had a partnership, rather than a adult/child dynamic. We work together now on everything, finances, housework, future plans. But one thing I can’t get back is ‘the feeling’. I just don’t want to have sex with him.
I want to want it, but I just don’t. I’m far too nervous to tell him this, as I think it would crush him tbh. I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. I get ‘in the mood’, but just not in the mood with him. I feel so guilty for feeling this way, as he has made an effort and we’re happy, we talk, we laugh. I can’t express how good things are in all other aspects.
I sometimes still feel the same feelings as before, though very rarely. If there is a small thing that he hasn’t done, the old feelings of him being unreliable crop up. But this is just normal life stuff, forgetting to ring the vets for example (stuff I forget or put off too), it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be. It’s like I can’t let go of that version of him (I don’t dredge up old arguments, I don’t want to throw stuff back in his face as he has made massive changes.)
The past state of our relationship isn’t all on him, I take responsibility for burying my head in the sand and allowing things to build up.
I find him handsome, but not in a ‘ooh’ way anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I’m hoping as it’s been a relatively short time of things being ok, that it’s just one of those things that takes time to get back.
We have some intimacy, in the sense of kissing, cuddling.
Logistically speaking, I work nights and he days, so we rarely have time in bed together anyway, but I don’t think this plays a big part in it, it’s more of an added difficulty for intimacy.
I realise I haven’t painted him in the best light, but I want to reiterate he isn’t the same manchild he was before!
Sorry for the long post, I have tried to be brief in the details of our past issues etc!