Advice needed!!... feeling confused & alone

[Lo82]

Any advice welcomed..
DH and i have been together for 14yrs, got 4 kids (almost 3 upto 13yrs). I have depression which comes and goes, from mild to severe. Have issues from childhood which can make me quite needy of intimacy and often just a need to feel loved. DH has known about this since the start. Has never been much of a problem as he is naturally quite affectionate. However over the last few yrs things have deteriorated, we dont spend much quality time together any more, often just sit at night watching tv, DH on his phone. Our sex life has also decreased dramatically, ie often only once or twice a month. Cant blame having 4 kids as 3 of them are older and all of them since babies have been great sleepers alowing us to have plenty grown up time.
I dont feel like DH is "in love" with me any more & I feel like he is no longer attracted to me. (Not that i would blame him! Since last DD was born almost 3yrs ago i am about 4st heavier and struggling with it). We have talked till the cows come home, he says he is still in love / attracted to me and does agree that it is unusual for a guy to not have the desire to have more sex but he does nothing about it and offers no explinations, just says he doesnt know why we dont have more sex. He knows the lack of intimacy is really crushing me and yet he does nothing to fix it. To make matters worse I know he watches porn when im not there. I would have no issue with this if we had a more healthy sex life as i am very open minded with sex. But with the current situation it is driving me mad! In my opinion his sex drive is still the same, he would just rather do it alone, this is completely crushing!
Im am still head over heels for him in every way and cant begin to imagine not having him in my life. BUT this is all affecting my mental health, at the start of the year i was in such a bad place i made plans to end my life. I worry so much that our problems will take me back there as at the moment I am struggling to live with him & feel so un loved & undesired but at the same time i am so in love with him that I dont think I could b without him. Im so confused, he says all the right things but never does them. I dont know what to do or even what to think any more.
Any advice welcome... thanx for listening xx

I have no advice as such but I think porn has a lot to answer for these days. The internet has so much of it and it's so easily available. I think it destroys intimacy and relationships. As you say, if you had a healthy sex life then fair enough, but when it becomes an alternative rather than an addition it can be very damaging. Do you think he may have an addiction to it?

I know you love him but that level of rejection is enough to damage self esteem. I think I would probably give an ultimatum but then I'm not sure others would advise this. I just think that if he knew what was on the line he might start to think about how selfish he's being. You would then at least know how serious he is about your relationship.

Not a pleasant situation. He is getting his end away over pictures of other women whilst ignoring your need for intimacy. Personally I would deal with it head on. You shouldn't be left in a situation where you're worrying about whether it's your weight. He needs to start thinking about the damage he's doing to your relationship.

SarahJopp,
Thanx for ur reply. I dont think there is a porn addiction as it is not a daily thing, only when im on night shift, even at that not every night im away. However he has now put a pass word on his phone, even though I only know about the porn as I asked to look at his history. However he doesnt realise I can still see his history from the lap top. Even writing this I think i am begining to sound like a bunny boiling psycopath! Not the person i wish to become.
As to the ultimatum, it is constantly going through my mind to do this but in all honesty I am terrified that he would walk away. Putting the current issues to one side he is the perfect man, he works hard, he is an amazing dad, he cooks, cleans, and when i really need him when im at rock bottom he is there and he pulls me through with love and support. I dont question that he loves me but i feel were more friends than lovers now. As you said tho his lack of interest is massively damaging my self estem to the point I now worry it will affect my judgement on the situation x

You don't sound like a bunny boiler at all. I think most women would be the same under the circumstances.

I suppose it's a case of tolerating it if you aren't happy to risk losing him. There are more important things than sex.

However, I think it's important that you recognise that this is his problem, it's not you and it's not your fault. If losing weight is an issue for you, do it for yourself, not him. If it will improve your confidence it can only be a good thing. It might even make you look at the situation differently.

I am surprised nobody else has commented on this but hopefully this post will give it a bump and someone with some good advice will be along soon.

Good luck with everything.

Sarah, you have given me some food for thought which i really appreciate. I am attending a psychologist about my weight which im hoping will b more beneficial than a fad diet and like u said hopefully help me lose weight for my self and feel more confident as I guess a needy self conscious partner must be a bit of a turn off for anyone.
Thanx for ur support 💗

I lost a fair bit of weight doing the 16:8 diet. It's not so much of a fad diet as such because it just involves eating within an 8hr window. You get used to it really quickly.

Sorry, I know weight loss wasn't the intended nature of your thread but I think the 16:8 thing is really easy to stick to. If your weight is getting you down it might be worth a try. As long as you're doing it for yourself.

We are all needy and self conscious sometimes. I suppose it's usually our partners who we look to for encouragement.

Your DP sounds like a decent man from what you've said. I hope you can work towards getting the intimacy back. It's not the be all and end all but it's a shame when it's lacking in an otherwise good relationship.

I am terribly sorry for you! I know how frustrating it can be (not sexually) when you crave intimacy from somebody and they just aren't there for you in that capacity. I don't have much advice, but the porn thing quite possibly needs to be adressed if it is effectively 'replacing' you. It might not be. It sounds as if he still loves you and finds you attractive, but lacks the willingness to up the frequency of sex because - I think - it might be easier to wank over films of other people having sex than actually do it himself. So sorry. I bet things will get back on track and you are doing a great thing by addressing things with a psychologist. I really hope you don't feel as desperate as you did earlier in the year

Thanx for the replys, the psycologist is to look at my weight issues and address the psychological issues around it as well as to help me lose weight, so im really excited to start that.
Im defo not in as bad a place as i was at the start of the yr but that is a concern that the lack of intimacy is affecting my depression. I know it sounds silly but i also worry that if i do lose the weight and he is more interested then i worry i will start to resent him as he has always maintained he loves me no matter what. Im hoping some if these issues will be covered in the psycology session.
Thanx again for your replys xxx