My mother went to talk bad about me to a guy i was dating behind my back

[lovewarandroses]

Hi guys, so late last year someone in our family molested my cousin and I was talking about it to my sister who lives in another country, so because my late step dad did something to me when I was young I told my sister. I had visited my sister in that country and then she was mistreating her maid and I took the maid’s side and she kicked off and kicked me out around 9pm in a foreign country with nowhere to go and I ended up sleeping in a hotel and booked a flight to come back home earlier. So three weeks later she told my mum what had happened and my mum came to me crying and kept calling me a psychopath ever since then I feel like my mum hates me because of what I told my sister so I left the house to live with my then bf who I ended up splitting with like after I found out his criminal history. So my mum asked to come back home and this new guy really liked me and I didn’t even want to date him in the first place but he begged me and he kept begging me so I ended up dating him and one day I was on the phone with him and my mum was like he sounds like a gentleman and he asked me what his name was. So unfortunately I had added this guy on my Facebook messenger so we video chat since he lives in a different city so my mum went to my Facebook to get his details and she started messaging him saying all these horrible stuff about me behind my back before I was even official with him ( so embarrassing) so later on he kept on asking me how my relationship with my mother was like.. so one day I went to my guy’s place and I asked him if my mum had been speaking to him and I could see the discomfort in his face and he kind of admitted it, I was so mad I told him that i didn’t like my mum because of her doing things like this .. I mean when I came home I never asked her but I was angry at her like why would she do something like this to her own daughter.. she also been going to my friends telling them bad things about me like why is she there no to ruin my life .. problem is I live with her and I want to run away as far as I can but I don’t have enough money to rent my own place for now, I’m starting a new job soon so hopefully I will leave this place and she has been trash talking me to my extended family members saying I need help etc... can you please help me with advice , what would you do if you were in my position????

Your post is a bit confusing. But from what I can get you living with your mum is not working as she seems toxic and over involved in your life. What age are you?
New job is excellent idea. Save up as much as you can and move out asap. It would be difficult to save enough for your own place in short time, but a house share asap would be a good idea and then you can continue to save for your own place.
Have you posted before as your mother's behaviour seems oddly familiar?

no its my first time posting here....but I hate her, she has teamed up with a guy that screwed me over to go to my friends and said all sorts of things about me I want to run as far as I can.. I got my job and they made me loose my job.. so i'm back to square number one and i'm super broke...I just want to run away

How did they make you lose your job? What age are you? Confused as to how they could make an adult lose a new job?

Have you considered live-in jobs. This could allow you to move asap and save money. If she is as bad as you make out, I'd take any shite live-in job as far away as possible just to escape. You can plan everything else once you're gone.

Yes, I would take a live-in job (like an au pair) and see if you can study for some qualifications alongside that.

You need to cut contact with your mum.

It seems as though your mum is being vindictive because you spoke up about her partner being abusive to you. So now she wants everyone to think you're crazy in case you tell anyone else. I really feel for you.
If you really truly want a relationship with your mum you've got to speak to her and tell her the harm she is doing to you. Tell her if you were to go the the authorities they would take her a lot moe seriously and that would be really humiliating for her. I know this sounds like emotional blackmail but what your mum is doing is far worse.
If however you think your mum is not going to listen and get worse then cut contact with her, move away ans start fresh.

How old are you?

well i'm in my late 20s, to be honest I got a new job that was a good career opportunity and they took my laptop to get an email to send to the hiring manager and the email was nasty and had a lot of untruthful hurtful things and people were looking funny at me at work and I knew something was a miss until when the senior manager called me and told me what had happened and he told me not to share my password with anyone ever again... I just couldn't work there because my hiring manager was being mean to me saying if I knew she was like that I wouldn't have hired her and repeating the things that were in the email in a nasty way so I left because I couldn't handle that mentally and it was just my first day on the job ..uhmm unfortunately I had told my mum about the job and I was happy because the job was going to pay me a lot of money so I guess that's why they did it..

Find another job and stop giving your Mum opportunities to involve herself in your life. Your Mum is nasty and vindictive and you need to accept this. Your family dynamic is dysfunctional and getting away is a good instinct but you need to make plans so that when you can leave, you’ll never have to go back.

Your Mum is never going to be the person you want her to be and you should stop giving her opportunities to hurt you.

Your relationship with your mum is over. Sorry
Find somewhere else to live ASAP.

Document the facts concerning her interference into your life, especially causing you to lose your job. That sounds like slander and has caused financial harm to you. This can be your leverage: you can tell her (not ask, tell) to back off or you will pursue legal action against her.

Lock down all social media (perhaps take a break from it and shut down your accounts). Do not give her any information.

Find a new job but do not, under any circumstances, give her any information about it (or even the fact you have the job). Do not list her on any of the job forms. Do not leave a trail for anyone to contact her for any reason. Not next of kin, nothing.

I wonder if Woman’s Aid could help you?

It was your first day on the job and your mum had time to email the hiring manager before you got there?

Sorry Op, this sounds really chaotic. I would suggest moving away to a different city and cutting communication with your 'not so dear' mother (and sister). Start afresh.

What previous work have you done? Find a job, any job. Maybe aim for being a little drive/bus away from mum. Harder to commute to start with but then you can move out into a houseshare (cheap) close to work and away from mum.
I live in an expensive part of the country (but not London) and it's still just about affordable to live in a house share (granted maybe not nice living standards) on a 30+ hr minimum wage type job. If you don't live in the south then you'll have even more options.

yes well my cousin who knew my laptop password got the email of the hiring manager because she has sent me a contract letter and start date etc... that's how they got her email address...I didn't know they would go that farrrrrrr

let me also add this, they got hold of people in my phone contact lists and they have been saying all sorts of things about me a lot that are untrue, she has teamed up with my ex male friend and this ex friend is even telling people that i'm an Adult movie actress you know.. so there is that and I started receive porn links on my whats app that I had to change the number immediately....

yeah like Accounting, project coordinator etc.. basically office jobs.. yeah I need to … I feel like living here is torture.. im a bit broke at the moment, if I had any money trust me I would have rented a room somewhere else immediately.. London is massive so I plan to find a place on the other side of it....

well I tried to talk to her today like someone advised.. well it back fired she started saying that I was not good at anything, I was dirty, I will never find a husband, you are suffering from Dementia, you are crazy that's why your ex kicked you out etc.. among a whole lot of other mean things...

You need to grey rock until you can move out. Put your energy into your plans to move out, not trying to make her understand how abusive she is. That was pointless I'm afraid.

Your mother is toxic and not rational, and to be honest sounds barking mad, so you can't expect to have rational, nprmal conversations with her. She is never going to be in the wrong and you are never going to be right.

Nod and say yes where you have to, but disengage as much as you can. Spend your time out of the house as much as possible. Local libraries are great, free, spaces where you can job hunt in peace. Don't involve her, don't tell her anything, don't argue with her. Set up a new email account and don't access it on your laptop, use the one's at the library. Make sure you never let your mobile put of your hand. Sleep with it under your pillow. Do you have anyone you can get your mail redirectred to? If not, mailboxes are cheep. Don't engage with anyone who might pass on information. Grey rock anyone associated with her.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to focus on that and move forward.

When you do find work, and i strongly recommend any shite live in job so you can escape as quickly as possible, make sure you take everything important with you. Bin anything you can't take so she can't hold it hostage.

Once you are out, you need to consider NC and counselling.

Treat this like a military operation. A very SECRET military operation!! You can do this. You can be free and happy!

Cheap not cheep. Ffs

thank you so much for your advice you are right, my life has been really hard for the past six months to say the least.. sometimes I wonder how i'm still alive...but will keep on fighting.. I wish I had somewhere else to stay I think that would have helped me mentally

That guy that my mum gave phone numbers to has been slandering me everywhere.. lying about a lot of things.... even creating a what’s app group to make fun of me... I have changed my number three times now and it’s still happening argggg and everyone I add he gets access to ... I feel so helpless about it and I don’t even know what to do anymore

Take this to the police. He can be charged with harassment under the Misuse of Technology act. Don’t be passive, sort this out.

I have reported it to the police and they said they gave him a warning but it’s still not stopping I had just gone on instagram to ask my friend for her phone number because I had deleted everyone’s phone number after being hacked again and was upset and I couldn’t deactivate it again applying have to wait for like a week again and he managed to send people I follow nasty messages about me 😪.... people are refusing to send me the messages but they have confirmed he has ... I even got a new phone and for some weird reasons he also managed to get their numbers and after he messages the people just start avoiding or ignoring me .... heeeeelllllppppp me

Inform the police that the unwanted contact continues unabated. He is very tech savvy and is continuing to use that against you and in turn your friends. He is still abusing you by trying to cut you off from them.

your mum is spiteful and toxic and your sister doesnt sound that nice either. Doesnt sound like youve had a lot of luck with family members.
How old are you. Do you have any chance of moving out soon and going as low contact with your family as possible, because what your mother did was really quite something.

I can’t stop crying, it’s hard extremely hard , I’m being hardassed in the most cruel way my mum is gone ... I don’t have a mother anymore and I can’t add anyone anymore... I’m beyond devastated!!! One thing cause this huge problem for me and it’s not going away .. what can I do