Next steps with my 4-year old daughter

[Jeff2]

Good afternoon,

Here's a brief background: I'm a single male [46 years old] and had an unplanned pregnancy with my ex-partner. We were never married and live in separate properties. I live about 90 minutes away by public transport. My daughter lives with my ex-partner and I go to see her every weekend. I spend a full day and cram in as much as I can e.g days out, reading, etc etc. We always go out as a trio.

I have asked my partner many times, especially over the last couple of years, for me to take my daughter out by myself but my ex refuses and she insists on accompanying us. Is this normal?

This situation has now become a routine for us and I've started to worry about it. My concern is that it is not ideal for my daughter's development and her ability to bond with me, her father. Maybe I'm over thinking it, I'm not sure.

Could I have your thoughts about whether I'm worrying about nothing or if I should be doing more and if so, what that should be?

Thank you

Jeff

No it’s not normal, is there any reason she should be concerned about you spending time alone with your daughter?

Is she hoping you'll get back together?

Not normal.

My ex and I split up when our daughter was 6 months old and from a year old he was having her alone overnight every other weekend and one night midweek (I offered more time but with work commitments and living a way off from us he couldn’t).

You’re her dad and don’t need to be babysat by your ex

Not normal. I know several parents who are separated and by 3/4 many are having overnight access. Those that done definitely have unsupervised visits.

I used to go with mine but only because we met ex half way and dd was too young to go alone and didn't want to stop overnight.

*don't

I must add that in my case there were other issues involved.

My ex and I do things together as a family with my son. It’s a mutual agreement and my son enjoys spending time with both parents. It’s pretty ‘normal’ for us!

However, if you are not happy with the arrangement, speak to your ex.

There is no normal really many families so things very differently when they split. If you don’t like the current arrangements then talk with your ex about it and try and come up with a new one

I would say it’s not typical that you don’t have any alone time with your daughter. Are there any reasons you can think of for this? If there is not a safety concern, I would set up a time to discus it properly. Offer to slowly build up alone time (and still do things as trio as well). Point out up her that she gets one on one time and that its important to you. It’s always better to try and do things amicably if you can for your child’s sake.

As for overnights, my twins are 4 and do not stay at their fathers (or anywhere else) overnight. There are multiple reasons for this. They do see him nearly every day with a mixture of alone time and all of us. It works well for them. I don’t think there should be a one size fits all approach, every child is different.

It's not normal and I think you should really push for time alone with your daughter. I have some lovely memories of just me and my Dad together, chilling. Most of the best memories are not 'days out' but just being round his house having an impromptu water fight with him or making cheese scones! I really hope you get to do the same with your DD.

For whatever reason, she wants the control of being around. However, you are also your DD’s parent and your Ex’s control issues are exactly that, her issues. May I suggest mediation as a way of negotiating a new ‘normal’ for you both but if she’s resistant and digs her heels in than you might need to get tough (but that also carries its own risks dependent on how deep her control issues go).

In the first instance, try and gently find out what’s behind her control issues and see if you can gently try an allay her fears. If the gentle approach doesn’t work, then suggest mediation.

Thanks everyone for your answers. The situation is not normal and that’s what is stressing me out.

We are going to Spain together in a couple of weeks for 5 days- it’s the longest consecutive period of time that I’ve been with my daughter. I plan to enjoy the holiday and try to slowly change the routine while there and hopefully will get a new approach when we get back.

I am prepared to go to court to get this sorted but I don’t want to however I sometimes feel that it will be the only way. Until then I’ll keep trying to change things slowly. I’m meeting another dad in September who is a mutual friend with a daughter the same as mine and he’s offered to mediate so I’m hoping this will get things moving in the right direction.

There’s no reason why she would have any reason to doubt my integrity with my child- it sometimes feels like she is punishing me for not wanting to get married and being a ‘normal’ family unit.

Thanks again for your replies.

Jeff

I think you might be right in thinking that she's punishing you in some way. She's certainly calling the shots at the moment. You need to find a way to see your daughter without the mother always being there.

Yes I think so too. My main concern isn’t that my daughter doesn’t miss out on important time with me because of silly games. As I mentioned in my intro bit a couple of days ago I really don’t want my daughter to suffer from any ‘lack of daddy’ syndromes when she gets older. I may be overthinking this but I’m just concerned.

I meant my main concern ‘is’ not isn’t.

When you are with your daughter currently, do you provide everything needed (food, water bottle, hat, spare clothes, sunscreen etc) or do you leave that to her Mum?

If you want to have alone time with her, make sure that her Mum trusts you to provide/look after her properly by having all stuff needed with you.

If you say you will have her for 30 min and take her to the park, make sure you're back in 30 min. You need to build the mums trust in you.

It may be that she comes from a place of childhood abuse or sexual assault and has massive trust issues around men in general, not you specifically.

But I suggest building slowly, so on holiday, don't get drunk at night - take turns in getting up in the morning - getting the 4 yr old fed and dressed and hair done, and then saying - we're going to x (pool, park, beach etc), you have a sleep in and come and join us later.

Take turns doing bed time, bath etc in the evening.

It's going to be better for your child to have harmonious parents, not ones in a court battle for her, so try this way first.

At the moment when we go out I’m prepared- I have water, tissues etc but my ex-partner just wants to do everything so I’m sidelined on these matters. I used to bathe my daughter up until about a year ago but this role has been taken away from me. I was never allowed to change nappies. The point is that when someone stops or obstructs you from doing things you assume a passive role in these matters and instead become the ‘weekend clown’. More worryingly one also has a tendency to build up resentment towards that person.

I agree with your ideas about the holiday- I’ll take things slowly and surely but I can’t let this situation carry on for much longer as my daughter’s growing fast and if my ex can’t loosen up I’ll have no alternative than seeking a court order. Believe me this is the last thing I want. Hopefully it won’t get to that.

What's your ex's relationship like with her own father?

He died a few years back. I don’t think it was a very good relationship. This is what worries me as it’s almost she’s designing my daughter to be like her. Again, as I said in my intro yesterday, I might be overthinking it.

There’s also an important cultural aspect as she was born in Japan and only came to the UK about 10 years ago.

I would recommend working with a mediator. If you end up needing to get the courts involved, you would have to show that you have tried mediation. I suspect you'll both find a way forward through mediation. Good luck.