Firstly i'm not really sure why I'm posting this, because I pretty much know that getting back in touch with my dad isn't going to be an answer that helps my situation.
I've been NC with my dad for 4 years, he and my mum split when i waa 3, remained on good terms, even went on holiday together for the sake of my brother and I until i was 6, when my dad started seeing the woman that would become my step mum, i was an 'odd' child, strufgled emotionally with the divorce, hated being touched, obsessive, and hated being around other children which pretty much lead to an ED psych being involved in my whole school career, at 33 i was diagnosed with ASC. But my parents would argue over me all the time which added to my distress., which of course would my behaviour wasn't manaheble in school, which would mean more intervention which would give my father and strp mother more ammunion to attack my mum, which would lead to more arguements that would lead to me being more distressed, and it would go round and round in circles.
My brother and i grew up, with a constant background of more or less being told your "neglected" our father and step mother, my step mother partically hated my mum, didnt agree with any of her parenting decisions and looked for every little thing too attack her and would very loudly tell us what a crap mother she was around us and her own children, (her own children that lived with their father not her). Now my mum did everything to keep my father involved in mine and my brothers lives as children, we werent well off but we managed, we were able to move to a nice area, amd ended up at one of the best state schools in the region.
We never quite lived up to our younger step siblings, we were never included in our step mothers family but they were always included im my fathers. My step sibling was in the same school year as me, at different schools, the day i got my GCSEs i called my dad with my very hard worked for B, four Cs 4 Ds hoping he might be proud of me, to be told my step sibling got 2 As and 6 bs and c, and how proud of him my dad and step mum were.
Both my brother and step brother moved in with my dad and step mum when i they were 16, however when i was diagnosed with depression at 19 and asked to leave uni, i asked my dad if i could move in with him, he moved heaven and earth to get me in to a residental specialist college, which ok was the best thing that ever happened to me, but it did once again reinforce how I wasnt wanted.
The thing is my dad was my first hero, i absoltely adored him, and i read a post about some ones step mum passing away, and how devestated her dad was, and it made me genuinely sad, and worry about my dad, along with the conversation about meghan markles dad's heart "surgery" and realising that should my dad have surgery I wouldnt even know, i dont even really know if hes still alive. I still have his number on my phone (im not going to call him, i know, my support network wpuld back me up that its not good for me)
Does any one else ever "miss" their NC relative, wonder if they should be the bigger person, despite knowing it would just be the same crap and the same blaming?