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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's over and I'm heartbroken

26 replies

BokenWings · 13/08/2018 10:55

The father of my children called an end to the relationship 2 weeks ago. I suspected another woman due to phone secrecy and lo and behold he has been on a date with the woman I suspected. I am devastated, I can't eat or sleep, I am constantly having dizzy spells and I just feel empty. Please tell me this gets easier and any tips on what I can do to ease my suffering.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 13/08/2018 11:01

I'm so sorry you're going through that, it's like grieving I think, you have to go through it to get past it, there's no way around but it will get better

hellsbellsmelons · 13/08/2018 11:11

It does get better OP, but not for some time yet I'm afraid.
It's a truly shitty time and nothing anyone says can make this any better for you right now.
You are grieving and that process takes a while.
For now, you just need family and friends to rally around you.
You need to be with people who can love and support you through this.

Eating solids was impossible for me for a while so ice-lollies and sugary tea got me through.
Try to keep hydrated and your sugar levels up.
You need to be there for your DC.
Once they are in bed, you can fall apart all you like.
You cry every day for months if you want to.
I know I did.

But know this... Hundreds of us on here have been right where you are now. It's horrendous, it's hearbreaking, it's life-changing.
But we have all got through it.
We are out the other side.

Please be kind to yourself.

Original poster
BokenWings · 13/08/2018 11:36

I just want him to suffer. The first day I found out it wasn't too bad because I was angry, like raging but now it's like everything has left me. I had a panic attack yesterday and I thought I was going to die, I've never felt pain like it.

OP posts:
DuchessAnnogovia · 13/08/2018 11:36

At the moment life will feel like absolute shite, you'll be running on auto-pilot for some time. You're going through a grieving process at present. Concentrate on your children, and get emotional support from friends and family. You will need them at this horrible time. When you're on your own scream, cry and rage - don't pent it all up.

Make contact with him minimal, I know it's tempting to text/call just to hear his voice. Don't. If he wants to see the children, let him have contact at a neutral place, and make sure you have someone with you when he collects them. I know it's so tempting to not let him have contact with the children, he's a rotten, lowlife, cheating twat - but he is their father.

Above all take care of yourself, if you can't manage solid food, try soup. Keep your strength up.

You will get through this, it might seem improbable at the moment, but I promise you things will get better. Thanks

springydaff · 13/08/2018 11:48

I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers

Please focus on your breathing - the dizzy spells and panic attack suggest your are holding your breath/breathing is shallow. It's natural that in times of great shock we do this but try to remember to breath deeply every now and then - a sigh, down to your stomach, not your shoulders. It makes all the difference.

Take care sweetheart xx

Original poster
BokenWings · 13/08/2018 12:07

I won't stop contact. Even though he is a despicable human for what he has done he is a good dad. I just don't want him introducing her to them but I won't be able to stop it.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 13/08/2018 12:15

Sorry op, but you're not alone (I know that doesn't really help) there are a few of us going through similar situations on here at the moment. It is really painful.

Like others said please take care of yourself, take things bit by bit. With the panic like another poster said try breathing exercises, count to 5 in, hold for 5 and then out for 5. I've suffered panic attacks, some of those apps you can get are good. There's a free one called headspace or there videos on youtube with breathing exercises and meditation/relaxing music.

Flowers Brew

eve34 · 13/08/2018 15:47

Take it each day as it comes. It is a bereavement. And there are new kicks to come if there is another women. Try not to engage. Keep it minimal and about kids/money/house. There is no making sense of this because it doesn't make any sense to you.

Get legal advice and know where you stand. Get copies of bank statement payslips and pensions.

Phone the council and ask for your single person discount. Phone benefit if you think you will be entitled. Make a list. It will help you focus.

Gather people around you. They will want to help. Let them. Drink if you can't eat and seek professional help with you feel you need it.

He is not your friend. He checked out long ago and never had the balls to try and change things with you.

Arrange for him to see the children for few hours/the day. Away from the house. He is no longer free to come and go. Bag up what you can of his stuff. Talk maintenance. Check on line for the calculator. Show him that you mean business I know you won't feel like it but fake it.

It isn't easy. But you will come out the other side in time.

twilightsaga · 13/08/2018 19:50

My relationship ended a few weeks ago too. It was my choice but one that's been very hard and I am breaking my own heart doing this but I know it's right as he was abusive. I have learnt to not expect too much from myself. Some days I wake up and feel ok and I'm grateful on those days. Some days I wake up and it's awful but I just go to bed and think tomorrow is a new day. I think about him a lot and when he meets someone new I'll be distraught. But we will get there and come out the other side.

Original poster
BokenWings · 13/08/2018 19:52

God it's so bloody hard! I could understand if we rowed all of the time but we didn't. I wish I had trusted my instincts but instead I've had the rug pulled out from under me. The "not being my friend" comment is really hard because just a few days before his date with the new woman he said I was his best friend but he wasn't sure it was enough....evidently not.

OP posts:
eve34 · 13/08/2018 21:43

I got the I love you but it's not the same. Course it's bloody not your shagging a 23 year old. How can I compete with that

It is awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. But talking and listening to others I know this will pass and I will move on. It's a hurt like no other.

Original poster
BokenWings · 13/08/2018 21:55

I don't know what to say to the kids. The 7 year old heard me lose my shit and knows far too much which i completely regret. I just keep saying that he has moved out but he still loves them but they want actual answers and i cant give them.

OP posts:
eve34 · 13/08/2018 22:12

Just keep going with the same narrative. You both love them very much but daddy doesn't love mummy anymore. That they will see daddy and he misses them too.

They don't need to know anymore.

They will see you cry and be upset. And that is ok. Because they can they feel upset too. If you pretend this is the best thing and everyone is fine. Their feels might get confused too. So don't feel bad. You are sad and that's ok.

You have done another day. What's your plan for tomorrow?

Original poster
BokenWings · 13/08/2018 22:26

To keep everyone fed and watered? I dont have a plan, i can barely function and the idea of leaving the house fills me with dread

OP posts:
eve34 · 13/08/2018 23:18

Can you call on a friend to come round. Do you have family near by? Anyone who could come and be with you? I know when it happened to me my sister dropped everything and came for few nights. It made all the difference.

Original poster
BokenWings · 13/08/2018 23:27

I think my friend is popping by tomorrow. I wish I could fake it and go out somewhere for the kids sake but I can't and it makes me feel even more useless

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 14/08/2018 01:52

I promise you that these feelings will pass. Every feeling I have ever had has passed, and the same is true for you.

eve34 · 14/08/2018 08:03

Just do what you can right now. It will get easier.

You deserve so much better. I know you want everything to be as it was. But do you really want a man in your life who is so selfish and has so little morals.

Have you told people in real life? If you really are struggling and feeling very low please go to your gp.

Original poster
BokenWings · 14/08/2018 08:54

Everyone knows. I wanted everyone to know what a piece of shit he is. He doesn't care though. I've actually never known anyone be so cold, he isn't the man I thought I knew at all.

OP posts:
Tryingagain1 · 14/08/2018 08:56

Re the kids OP just try to keep them busy so you can grieve and move on. It's fine to let them watch their favourite films and tv for hours some days (assuming they're old enough) if you need time to sort yourself out.

It's horrible but it will get better Flowers

Mishappening · 14/08/2018 08:58

So sad for you. It is early days - hearts mend, I promise you. Hang on in there. Flowers

DaphneduM · 14/08/2018 09:05

I'm so very sorry. There's no avoiding the fact that for a while you will be feeling all those emotions of sadness mixed with anger. But, as others have said, it will get better eventually. You have your lovely children - I hope you have a mum or some close family that can help you through this.

Original poster
BokenWings · 14/08/2018 17:06

So I cracked and started begging, he ignored the majority of the texts but made it quite clear that there's nothing to save, even made out it's my fault. I give up, I never even thought I would be able to forgive him bit I hurt so much and he is the only one who can make it stop. I feel so stupid and weak.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 14/08/2018 17:27

Any major life change is hard. You are used to leaning on him, but he really is not the only person who can make your sadness stop - he is the cause of it.

Stay in contact with all those who can be by your side though this.

This initial pain will pass.

eve34 · 19/08/2018 11:54

How's things today.