What can I do?

[Catsandbootsandbootsandcats]

I separated from my husband last September, so nearly a year ago. He's an alcoholic. He was a functioning one, but the hinges had steadily got worse, to the point he was just staying in the bedroom away from us drinking for a week, throwing up, pissing the bed etc. It was fucking awful. I dreaded returning home from anywhere. We have kids, 2 with SEN that I care for. He basically checked out of family life, didn't even eat with us by the end. It was such a relief when he left. I felt so relaxed, like a weight had been lifted.

He went to live with his mum. I started claiming benefits, which has been pretty straight forward. He's been quite erratic paying child maintenance, he keeps changing jobs etc, but we've got by. I haven't started any official divorce stuff as I thought I couldn't afford it, but now know I can get it cheaper as I'm on benefits.

His mum has angina, diabetes, and early stages of dementia. His sister also lives on the same road. So he's been helping out caring for her as his sister was doing it all before.

Something happened over the weekend. I don't know if it was a drinking binge, but I had messages saying he'd gone missing.

And then he turns up yesterday morning with both BIL's (his brother and SIL's husband) and some bags saying his sister has made him leave his mums as his behaviour was upsetting her.

So his family have decided that his drunken behaviour is bad for his mum to see but perfectly fine for his kids to witness?

They threw him out of the car basically and drove off, leaving me bemused on the drive!

I let him stay last night, but I know he can't move back in, I was already so stressed just having him here, I'm still shaking now. And it only takes one person to call benefits and we have no money.

His sister picked him up for a doctor appointment and I told him to take his bags as he wasn't coming back here. He said he'd be sleeping rough, but I shouldn't have to take him back? It's not like he's been gone a week, it's been a bloody year! I don't know what his family are thinking.

I need some advice on what to do legally. He is on the mortgage, so I guess technically he can actually move back in and there's nothing I could do. But for my own sanity I can't have him here. I can't let the kids think that getting paralytic every evening is a normal thing to do. I feel sick at the thought that his sister is just going to drop him back off here. I hate confrontation. I've locked the door with the key in it so he shouldn't be able to get in, but of course if he does turn up the kids will be asking why I don't let him in, or might let him in if I'm busy/upstairs etc. What a fucking mess. I thought all this shit was over.

No you shouldn't have to take him back in, however it is half his house. This is an awful situation for you to be in and I am sure someone will be along soon with more practical answers. My father was / is an alcoholic and that is all i ever saw, him getting drunk and passing out, it was awful. He needs help and it doesn't have to be you that does this.

I'm sorry OP. This is truly awful.
And I have no experience at all.
But as he is on the mortgage he does have a right to access the property.
I would suggest you get the locks changed asap.
If you look at Youtube you can actually just change the barrel yourself.
And then get some legal advice.
Speak to Shelter and Rights of Women and see what they recommend.
Try to keep him out though.

Yeah no experience here either but maybe call the police and explain the situation to them and see what they say, if he's been gone a year and is potentially a danger to your kids maybe you could get a restraining order or something?

“But as he is on the mortgage he does have a right to access the property.
I would suggest you get the locks changed asap”

Umm... you notice the dichotomy in your advice right?

OP - you can’t just go and change the locks, for the (correctly stated) reason that he’s entitled to access (and live in) the house he jointly owns until a family court resolves ownership or the Police / a court stops him. He would be entitled to “force” entry if you leave the key in the lock.

I assume there’s not the money available to buy him out? If it’s been a year, why haven’t you started divorcing him / settled up the finances properly?

I'm on benefits so no, can't buy him out. When we first split up I read that it cost £500 to start divorce proceedings, and I can't afford that so forgot about it. I now realise you can get it reduced if you're on benefits so have started sorting it out.

As for money. Well, as I mentioned, he's an alcoholic, so working is erratic. He agreed to pay me more than the CMS calculator said, but hasn't paid regularly as he's been through a lot of jobs in the past year. And when he's on a drinking binge I won't see him for ages as we're in the next town so he isn't able to drive. (And I don't have a car, won't take the kids to see him as I never know what state he'll be in)

As a carer I've also been dealing with all the paperwork transferring my child from a statement to EHCP, and also the change from DLA to PIP, so the other stuff got put aside as I thought we were ticking along nicely with him being at his mums.

Currently feeling sick every time a car pulls up in case his sister drops him off here. I can't cope with him here. I don't know what I'd do. Can't move out myself, I have no family to go to.

If you could go away for a few days and securely lock the house do he can't get in, that might be a temporary solution.

Then he'll have to find somewhere else.

Yes indeed, I totally see the contradiction in my advice.
However, he's been gone a year.
OP could easily have 'lost her keys' in that time and had to have the locks changed.
Or the lock could have broken in the mean-time.
Just thinking there may be ways around it!?

Seconding pp who have said to go away for a few days. Other than that, I think the only other thing you could do is try to find a hostel.

If I were you, I would start divorce proceedings asap.