Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Sex and lack thereof

27 replies

Bambi99 · 13/08/2018 08:05

I have put on weight after having my two kids and am about a size 14-16. Over the last three years we have gone from having sex fairly regularly to having sex once maybe twice a year. Partner says it's not cos I am bigger now, but then calls me a fat cow in every argument and comments on everything I eat... Is my weight the real reason? Are men turned off by fat?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2018 08:09

He's horrible
It's not ok for him to call you names like that. I definitely weigh more than you, I have regular sex and my partner never calls me anything apart from beautiful. Your bf sounds like a dick.

Changedname3456 · 13/08/2018 08:14

Some men are, some prefer it. The more important question (apart from why your DP is such a dick for calling you a “fat cow”) is whether your partner is actually turned off by your size or whether that’s just a red herring.

Has HE put on weight in the same period? Weight gain on men can lower their libido as can age. Has he had any problems getting it up? Conversely, is he watching a lot of porn or has his stress at work gone up?

If you feel overweight then do something about it, but do it for yourself - for your longer term health and to boost your confidence. If he’s also overweight then challenge him to do it with you.

Babdoc · 13/08/2018 08:17

What a charming, sensitive, loving partner you ....don’t have, OP!
This idiot will drive you to comfort eat even more, if he goes on like this.
A decent chap would either hold his tongue or encourage you to lose the excess weight by joining him in walking, running, swimming or whatever sporting activity you might enjoy, or by cooking some healthier meals for you, and not undermine your confidence like this.
Sex once a year? I’d guess he’s getting it elsewhere, too - and is keeping you on as housekeeper and skivvy to his kids.

gretchinweeners · 13/08/2018 08:19

Not all men are turned off by fat, no. However, as harsh as it sounds it could be that he is one of the men who prefer a slimmer figure. We can't help what we are attracted to and it's unfair to expect someone to always find you sexually attractive if you have changed substantially to a look which doesn't appeal to them. Having said that, it's not a reason to stop loving you or an excuse to belittle you or make you feel bad about yourself which isn't acceptable - if he does these things because you've gained weight then you should really consider whether this person is good enough for you. Has he gained weight or has his appearance changed since you met? Do you actually want to have sex with him as often as you used to? Could it be the dynamic has just changed as it can do after kids- tiredness, stress etc can all be to blame for this rather than your weight. If your weight is making you unhappy then you could use that as motivation to get fit and healthy which can only benefit you and you children, if you get your sex life back as a result too then great

helpbeforeimelt · 13/08/2018 08:25

I wouldn't be wanting to be intimate with a man that called me fat every time we fell out

Maybe you should tell him you don't find him desirable as he's so nasty and personal

m0vinf0rward · 13/08/2018 08:28

Yes, most of us do not like fat women. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you do want to hear the truth yes? Obviously there are some guys that get off on bigger women but it's a small minority, most do not. For guys sex is very visual and if you don't like what you see...it's not going to happen downstairs.

Loosing excess weight is always a sound choice... if it's to save your sex life or for your own health and happiness, so I'd encourage you to get out there and start a diet and exercise plan today.

Frosty6611 · 13/08/2018 08:31

I went up to a size 16 once and my DP made it crystal clear that he didn’t find anything over a size 12 attractive. He still loved me but he was just being brutally honest as he’s not the sort of person to beat around the bush and be tactful for the sake of it. I was so angry with him at the time but I’m glad he was honest about it now as it gave me the kick up the butt to lose the weight and feel confident again. If he’d just pretended that he loved the way I looked no matter what then I’d have stayed at that size or gotten bigger.
As for your partner calling you a fat cow though - that’s definitely a step too far and really horrible. He sounds like a twat!

SoapOnARoap · 13/08/2018 08:35

Your partner sounds horrendous in the way he’s going about things however, I think the weight gain is probably the root cause.

If you flipped this (and this is exaggerated) but, if you were with a toned guy, with a 32 inch waist & he crept up to a 40 inch waist & you liked toned men, you wouldn’t find the new him attractive.

lovelycuppateas · 13/08/2018 08:45

FFS. Two of my friends have breast cancer and have needed mastectomies. Are there husbands complaining and leaving them because they prefer women with two breasts??!!! If you're married, it's for better and for worse. You have had two kids, are probably exhausted and your expected to be a sex goddess as well. Your partner is horrible. He should love YOU not your body, all the "but imagine if he put on weight, you wouldn't like him" is sexist nonsense (you can't just reverse gender hierarchies FGS), and as for m0vin - you sound like a great catch. You certainly do not speak for ALL men.

m0vinf0rward · 13/08/2018 09:00

Never said I did. I simply said most guys do not like bigger women, which is the truth. I'm sure most women do not fancy fat guys either. It's simply the way most people are ......and as for being a catch...well I'd rather be single by choice. I've hadn't fill of relationships and living with the opposite sex..never again. Call me jaded but I'd rather be happy on my own than deal with half the shit I read about on here.

Original poster

Bambi99 · 13/08/2018 09:01

Thank you for all the advice. I am. Trying to lose weight but I end up feeling crap about myself or tired and end up slipping up, I get no help trying to lose the weight. My partner hasn't put on any weight but if I loved him I would still be attracted to him, but that's just me. I feel that he has fallen out of love with me and this is just an excuse, there Is no other intimacy. X

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 13/08/2018 09:39

Can you imagine the hoo ha from men if women said, you’ve lost your hair , I don’t fancy bald men one bit or men with hair loss and a size 14/16 is hardly huge. That’s the problem when everything is based on Looks, it doesn’t allow for illness, or natural changes over time. I totally understand if you were 20st and a size 26 or something, but that’s not the case.

surlycurly · 13/08/2018 09:50

My ex put on weight and I found it a real turn off. His level of attractiveness and his own self esteem plummeted. I never openly told him though, just encouraged him to get some exercise. It was not a great feeling to have Sex with someone I eventually felt a bit repulsed by. It wasn't the only reason we split but it was a factor. If you can lose weight then I would. The greatest amount of weight I'd lose is your DP. You shouldn't attack someone's vulnerabilities if you love them. He sounds horrible.

Original poster

Bambi99 · 13/08/2018 09:59

I guess the truth is I'm not that attracted to him not Cos of his looks but because of his personality, I just feel that I owe it to the kids to try and get the intimacy back before id made such a huge decision to leave. I need to try and lose weight for me and ignore the negativity. Thank u for all the advice x

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 13/08/2018 13:40

Personally I always preferred women who weren't skinny (size 12/14) but there is so much more to physical attractiveness than body shape.

If he's calling you a fat cow in arguments that's demeaning and abusive and not OK assuming that its not some kind of tit for tat situation where you are both trading insults and calling eachother names.

Original poster

Bambi99 · 13/08/2018 17:51

I don't say personal attacks about appearance etc but I do call him an ass when he does this so I ain't blameless. I guess it can bother some ppl quite alot and maybe a deal breaker, but I feel annoyed that he can't be honest without attacking and actually aid me in my attempts and at least keep some Intimacy in our relationship. It shouldn't be so superficial after five years.

OP posts:

TheJeff · 16/08/2018 10:04

Are men turned off by fat?

Hell no we aren't! No fetish thing here but I prefer women with some meat on them (as long as they are healthy and well that is)

IfNotNowThenWhen1 · 16/08/2018 10:14

Are men turned off of you put on a bit of weight? Maybe a bit ( although size 14/16 is just a bit of extra padding you're not Jabba the hut!) but that's by the by because as you say you are repulsed by his personality and frankly I don't blame you.
Lose around 12 stone (him) and you will suddenly feel much lighter and freer I guarantee it.

WasFatNowThin · 16/08/2018 10:25

My ex wouldn't have sex with me because I was fat. I didn't lose the weight for him, I lost it for me, then I left him.

Original poster

Bambi99 · 16/08/2018 19:42

Wasfatnowthin good for you. I wish I had the will power. I just feel low and lose the willpower. X

OP posts:

datingdisaster41 · 16/08/2018 20:02

Lose him. Enjoy your life with your children. Keep healthy and don't worry about your size, more your health and fitness. Your partner sounds hideous. I totally agree with IfNotNowThenWhen1. And sorry, yes #M0vinf0rward, you do sound jaded...but more than that, you sound shallow and dull.

TimeForANewNameIThink · 16/08/2018 20:10

What a bastard, you've had 2 children, that's going to affect your body. I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone so shallow who would judge me purely on my body shape. Ditch him, he's a nob.

datingdisaster41 · 16/08/2018 20:13

And Bambi, my ex of years ago used to call me names and hurl abuse at me every time he disagrees with me. It could be any type of insult (fat wasn't one of them but they were all hurtful)...he was abusive. Now (despite my ridiculous username on here) I'm with a lovely, intelligent and kind man. He has never thrown a nasty insult at me because he's a good person, not a knob. You deserve that too x

scottishdiem · 16/08/2018 23:58

Both men and women find different things attractive. No two people are the same. Anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves.

How much that then impacts in intimacy will depend but calling you a fat cow and commenting on what you are eating suggests he doesnt like your weight but, to be honest, tell him to fuck the fuck off for the name calling and negativity. That is hardly going to inspire any changes and he is creating his own lack of desire as well.

If you're married, it's for better and for worse

And how many women comment here about their relationships not being what they want and wanting to leave. Just because their partners are a bit dull or no longer giving the woman the fanny-gallops. Marriage is not really about better or worse anymore.

LiWerber · 19/08/2018 10:28

Have you thought that your husband might have disorder like erectile dysfunction? Pay attention on his behavior. ED is a problem but it doesn't mean that is no way to treat it cialisbit.com/best-ed-treatment/

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread