Been married 5 years, together 14 with 2 DC (10 & 7).
Found out at Easter that he has been having an affair for over a year with someone 19 years younger. This is his second affair with same person (he wanted to stay when I discovered the first one 3 years ago). Again, he told me he didn’t want to give up on the family and we agreed on counselling and he moved out to pil’s. It was 4 weeks to the counselling appt where he was seeing us daily, doing and texting right things. However, we get to the counselling and he refuses to go in, says he needs more time doesn’t want to speak to a stranger, isn’t in contact with OW etc. I say this is a deal breaker for me, he won’t be moved and I ask for the house keys back and he asks for a proper separation for 3 months.
The next day I call the OW, obviously they were still seeing each other, he had been lying to both of us. I added him to the call and it was quite satisfying to hear his bollocks drop when he realised we were both on the call and he hung up. I told him I was done at this point.
He has been having regular contact with the DCs, calls them twice a day. Has changed a lot of arrangements due to work which I have gone along with as I would never stand in the way of their relationship but is seeing them once/twice a week.
So, as I understand from all the wise people on here who have gone before me my H is following the script and has become a vile nasty human being towards me, and like an idiot I still feel intimidated by him. He is no longer allowed in my house (we rent and I have removed him off tenancy) but his treatment of me just gets worse. I don’t react and I actually think this spurs him on to be worse.
Examples of behaviour:
Calling me names infront of the children
Screaming that he hates me
Demanding that I don’t talk to his family
Cancelling house insurance with immediate effect and telling me whilst I was out for the day with children
Changing the Sky pin so I can’t watch anything over 18 (cos he’s only paying for it so the kids can watch not me)
Ignoring my emails about arrangements
I didn’t think he was controlling in the relationship but with the benefit of hindsight i am starting to see that he was.
Last Monday things came to a head when hours before he was taking them away for a week (longest I have been apart from them) he emailed me to say it would be best if I didn’t speak to them whilst they were away! I didn’t stand for it but it was a very nasty and stressful situation.
Obviously whilst he is behaving like this to me, the rest of the world are not seeing or experiencing this behaviour which in turn makes me doubt myself (especially as my heart hasn’t caught up with my head and I still have feeling for who he was and what I have lost). He is still seeing the OW although obviously denying it (but I know because I know him) and no doubt will be wheeling her out in the near future whenan ‘acceptable’ amount of time has passed.
I have gone ahead and filed for divorce on the grounds of his adultery, he would’ve received the papers Saturday at the latest but he still hasn’t reacted and it is making me anxious. I feel stuck, as if I am not moving on and I hate it. I can’t get my head around the fact he is acting like this towards me when none of this was my doing and I am just doing the best I can for the DC.
How do I get past this bit?