Just moved country and want to leave

[Takethegirloutofscotland]

As the title says my H and I just moved house moved country to be closer to my family cos I thought it would help our relationship and make me happy
I can't bear it I want us to separate he doesn't
I feel so guilty I have made him move and now can't see it through
I can't talk to anyone in RL
New house ready for us in under a month renting at moment and mortgage in both names I just feel totally overwhelmed

Don’t feel guilty. It sounds like you have both done a lot to try to save the relationship. But if it’s over, then you need to face it and deal with it sooner rather than later. You’ll feel better once you say it out loud.

I've said it out loud and he has made me think we can get better!
I just can't I want to but can't
Two young kids in the mix and I feel like an absolute bitch

Presumably you havent exchanged contracts yet so it's not too late to pull out

Oh that is really tough and so sad. But if you know you don't want to be married to him anymore then act now not later. Nothing is easier later. It will still hurt. A lot. But change while you're young and less worn down and bitter, will be easier.

My situation is similar. Moved back to my home area from the other end of the country. Bought a brand new house, spent thousands on new furniture and furnishings. 9 months later I'd had enough of pretending everything was ok, and I left. Luckily I have my family to support me, but it's been hell, and now going through divorce. But I couldn't stay, the stress was affecting my health physically and mentally and we'd been 'trying' for 3 years to make it work, even though he's a narcissistic twunt, and I'd wanted to end it for ages. If you know in your mind it's over, end it now. It won't get any better.

There’s kids and a big financial commitment in the mix- have you tried counselling yet? Either way it’ll bring things to a head.

Op, are you able to identify exactly what the issue is? How long have you felt this way? Maybe you need time to settle first for a couple of months and then review?

Do you feel guilty because you made him move but knew it wouldn't work?

It's very hard when you're not from the same place. Dh and I are just moving back to my country after 10 years near enough to where he's from.

Thanks for your replies will try and answer all your questions
We have exchanged contracts and are awaiting decorating/new kitchen
The issues are that I am just not happy haven't been for about two years and have had the talk with H about this twice in last year
I thought moving home for me would make things better I'd be close to family have a nicer bigger house and a better lifestyle and that things might get better
We are hoping to get some counselling just been difficult to arrange childcare for at moment!
I suppose my feeling of guilt comes From knowing we were struggling and should I have stopped before we got this far in?

Well from his POV he’s now going to be stuck living with someone, at least for a while, who clearly doesn’t want him. I assume there won’t be any money left for him to rent / get his own place if this is a bigger house and you’ve spent money on renovating it?

He probably sees it as he’s made the commitment to uproot, move jobs etc in order to keep the marriage going / not have to see his kids any less and you’ve dropped this bombshell. Yes, he has to take some responsibility for agreeing to all this whilst you were telling him you were unhappy, but again (I assume) you held this out to him as a way to salvage things. Has he tried to change what you don’t like? Have you told him what you want changed (apart from location)?

It’s your life and you should be happy in it, but if you’ve not yet tried counselling then I think you owe yourself (and him/the kids) at least that attempt. Pay a babysitter if you have to. There must have been something there originally, worth the attempt at saving, or you would have split up long before marriage and kids...?

@Changedname3456 financially we would have enough for him to rent or even a deposit for smaller place
But yes to all you said he has moved house job and life and I did really think we could work through it. His job is one of the things I'm struggling with he has always disliked his jobs and his new one no difference he hates it. I've tried to find him jobs to apply for but he has no motivation to do so.
I've always been career driven and have a busy professional job where I work full time.
I do think I should try and settle for a few months have some counselling and see how we go just sometimes it feels so overwhelming I never thought I'd be here I loved him so much it just feels like it's gone and I can't get it back..

How long ago did you move countries?

Have you moved countries within the UK or outside? If you're moving out, you need to think about the Hague Convention on child abduction. The Convention can be used to prevent a parent from taking his/her children out of the country in which they are settled. If you want to live in the new country, don't tell him until you're settled there that you want to split. Otherwise he could make it very difficult for you to move with the kids.

If you've already moved, this works in your favour. He can't take the kids back to the first country without your permission.

If you have literally just moved I think you should give it a bit longer. If you can get out of the house purchase however that would help as splitting up in the future would be very messy.

I moved last October he joined me in April
We are in uk x

I think you need to articulate the things that make you unhappy and then make a decision on whether or not they can be fixed. Have you just fallen out of love as in, the rose-tinted glasses have come off? Unfortunately relationships don't continue on a permanent high of new love, but usually that high is replaced by other things - has that not happened with you?

Or have your priorities changed and are you and your H no longer on the same page? You say you have young DCs - that can put an enormous strain on a relationship. Small children are hard work - is your H doing his share of being a parent, housework etc.?

Without clarifying these things in your own head, you won't be able to make a judgement as to whether your desire to leave is reasonable and rational or whether you are just hoping the grass will be greener elsewhere. (It won't be).

I think our priorities have just changed. I've always been ambitious outgoing and sociable he is quiet, not particularly motivated and also has a cup half empty outlook I struggle with I have always pretty much arranged everything childcare, holidays, days out, babysitters. I'm tired of it.
I don't even think he has changed that much it's me I feel like a different person than the one who met him 17 yrs. I find it hard to explain I just feel suffocated
Before we completed on the house I told him not to come that I didn't think I could be with him it was the hardest thing I've ever done.
but we talked and he persuaded me to give it another go the new house and new start would help us.

It's our wedding anniversary today I think he has forgotten 😥 not one for elaborate gifts or huge celebrations but a card and a happy anniversary
One of the reasons I have given him before that I am unhappy is that he just seems to coast through our relationship giving no thought or effort to things he promised he would try.
I feel so sad today 14yrs ago was the happiest day and here I am questioning wether to tell him I'm done 😪

It can be very lonely when someone who is supposed to be your partner doesn't seem to be as much a part of the partnership as they used to be. I recognise myself in much of what you have just said. I ended up doing everything, including 95% of the house work - and working full time too. My H checked out of family life, out of his friendships, out of anything that involved making a physical and/or emotional effort. In his case it was due to depression and alcohol addiction - when sober and well he was a completely different person. But he couldn't seek help - making that effort was also too much.

I spent years feeling much as you do now - don't let it come to that. Losing you might be the shock he needs to realise that he can't just coast through life without making any effort. And you deserve better.

@pointythings loneliness is the word I would use to describe the way I feel. We lived apart for about 7 months and I feel lonelier now than I ever did in those days

If you truly felt happier when he was not there then I'm afraid you have your answer.

Last year my H left our family holiday after 2 days because he said I was being controlling about his drinking. THat left me with two teenage DDs and almost 2 weeks of holidays. We did not miss him. Not at all.

I have two threads on here about what happened afterwards and suffice it to say he died recently - it was a sad end to a relationship that started off great - but I have never regretted initiating divorce. I'm now a single parent (which in truth I had been for a long time) with my lovely DDs and aside from grieving, we will have a good life together.

@pointythings I'm sorry to hear that will look for your threads your kids are lucky to have you x
My kids are a bit younger 9&11 worried how they will cope they have had a big move changed school and left good friends behind their daddy leaving too feels cruel but I do know they need me to be happy I suppose I'm at the point of thinking do we give it one more go or throw the towel in now x