Should I tell my DP how depressed I'm feeling?

[anxiousanxiousness]

We've been together around 6 months so not that long in the scheme of things. He's aware that I have suffered with depression and anxiety in the past, I've been honest with him about the extent of it in the past and I have spoken to him during the past 6 months when I've been feeling down but I've always downplayed it as I fear it would/could scare him off. He has always been very supportive and understanding. When I mentioned to him a while ago that I was looking in to counselling he said that I can always speak to him as well and he has reiterated that more recently.

I am feeling especially low at the moment and really very alone. It's only been the past few days and I haven't seen him during that time and I'm not due to see him again until later in the week. I'm torn because on the one hand I really want someone to talk to about how low I feel and he's said before that I can talk to him, but I do worry that it will scare him off or be too much for him and I think maybe I should just not say anything. But then again, I'm well aware that depression is a life long condition and for years I have been up and down with my mood - to greater and lesser extents - and if we have a future together (which we are both hopeful we do) then this is something that is always going to be there and something he would need to be understanding of. If he isn't, then is it better to know that now? I don't actually think he wouldn't be understanding but I also don't want to be seen as a hassle, an inconvenience or something that needs to be fixed. I'm not looking for him to do anything, I'm not trying to put any responsibility on to him, but is it not better to be upfront about this? Like I said, I have been previously but that was more from a factual standpoint, now that I'm actually in the midst of it, it feels scary to be that open.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble. I'm second guessing everything.

He's said you can talk to him. Talk to him. If he's genuine he'll be willing and happy to listen. If he's not, well I hate to be brutal, but it's better you fnd out sooner than later. Ring him and talk.

Thank you for the response.

The added complication is that he's away at the moment and he's camping so phone battery is at a premium and he's only turning his phone on a couple of times a day to check messages. So I can't call him. I wrote a mammoth message earlier, not with the intention to send it, but just so I could get it out. I'm thinking of sending that to him but at the same time, he's away and will probably feel helpless and I also don't want to ruin his time. I'm thinking maybe I wait until I see him to talk about it. I do feel a bit better from having written it out.

Hi OP

I'd definitely talk to him, but maybe wait until he gets back from his trip and you can talk in person.

Funnily enough he just text me. He asked me how I was and I said that I've been feeling pretty low but didn't say anything else. He said to look forward to when we next see each other and to hang in there. He didn't say much more about it but he can't chat for long, it was just a few messages to say goodnight.

I know that if I speak to him about this in person I will completely downplay it. And even now, I'm not feeling as all consumed by the feelings as I did when I wrote that message a few hours ago, so if I spoke to him in person or on the phone I know I would downplay it. I don't know if it would be beneficial to show him the message I'd written (I've saved it as a note on my phone) so he can understand how I feel in that particular moment. Or if that's just unnecessary. Part of what I'd written in that message is about the fear of him not being able to handle it but if that is the case it's better for us both to figure that out now.

Thank you for your responses. I know that I'm overanalysing this and that's part of the anxiety but I'm not able to see it as objectively as I might if I was feeling a bit better.

If I were you, I'd show him the note saved on your phone.

My dh suffers with depression so l am used to being that other person supporting. My advise is begin the counselling take your meds and then talk to him. Knowing my dh is doing everything he can to manage his depression makes it easier for me to support him. I feel l have others onside and that its not my whole responsibility. Also when he goes for counselling it helps him to explain it more to me so l can have that understanding and feel we are working on it together.
Hope that makes sense.

I completely agree with junebirthdaygirl, while he's away take the opportunity to get a treatment plan in place, so when you do talk to him, he knows you're taking responsibility for your recovery and you have other support. As lovely as he sounds, he isn't qualified and isn't in a position to be your main/ only source of support.

I know. I don't want to put him or anyone in the position of being my main or only source of support. I did that with my XH and it wasn't healthy. If anything I'm more resistant to letting anyone help or support me now.

I'm on the highest dose of Citalopram I can take and I don't have many other options medication wise as I'm still breastfeeding (although trying to stop). As for counselling, I have looked in to a few options but because the DCs Dad only has them every other weekend I don't have much availability for an appointment. My work has a telephone counselling service so I'm thinking that would be better than nothing at this point. This is part of why my mood is so low at the moment - I feel like I'm trying to juggle so many different things and it's really hard. I have such little free time and when I do I want to spend it with DP or try to get housework done. My parents are nearby but they already do so much to help that I don't feel I can ask them for more. I also had a disagreement with one of my friends and it meant that my friendship group has sort of dispersed. We're all on speaking terms but we used to chat all the time and they were my main source of support. I feel I was relying on them too much in hindsight, but I now feel like I have no emotional support (my parents are great for supporting me with practical stuff but not so much emotional).

I feel like I don't know how to help myself anymore.

I'm being paranoid. I know I am. DP was texting last night and I felt he was a bit off with me. He also didn't ask how I'm feeling which, after knowing that I've been unwell and also feeling a bit low, a thought he would have done. Arrggghhh! I'm annoying myself. On the one hand I know that he's away, working and his focus is, rightly, where he is. He also said he's looking forward to seeing me and the conversation was light and jokey. But my anxiety is making me pick fault at what he didn't say. I feel like I don't trust my own judgement anymore - am I being paranoid or am I making excuses for him? This is so difficult. After my XH cheated on me and left me and the DC after previously being so devoted, it now unsettles me if I start to feel secure and trusting so now I second guess everything.

I really do need some therapy. I'm well aware of that. I know this is a priority now. My parents have my DC once a week on the same night but I usually see DP on that night. I'm thinking that maybe if I speak to him about how I've been feeling he will understand my need to use an hour on that evening to see a counsellor. As much as I don't want to lose any time with him, I need to prioritise this for me.

I know I need to speak to him about all of this and, as a PP said, if he can't handle it it's better to know that now. But at the same time, I don't feel like I'm in a strong enough place to deal with it if he doesn't want to be with me because of it.

I feel so messed up.