Is it ok to end it by text?

[enoughisenough2]

Long story short H is verbally abusive when he’s drunk. He’s drunk everyday which makes him abusive. I know that I need to leave as not a good environment for dd5 however due to me studying and being financially dependent on him I haven’t left yet. However it’s only got worse as expected (I’ve been attending AA meetings)I need to end the marriage now even though I can’t leave straight away as I need to apply for a house this week as I can’t afford to rent privately. Got no family so can’t just move out. I’ve asked him this morning if we can talk after dd is gone to bed (to end it)tonight of which he agreed. However he’s totally drunk and it’s a waste of time communicating with him when he’s in such a state and I will just get loads of abuse anyway.I am considering texting him tonight so he can see the text tomorrow when he’s sober. I will be at work then. How would you end it??

Get your new home and own finances sorted and all paperwork and any evidence possible of his abuse then leave while he's out then text him. Otherwise you're in a situation where you'll be living with a twat who will ramp up the abuse making it hard to leave at all

He doesn't even deserve a text but just for your closure

I agree that you should sort everything out first, unless you think he'll leave willingly when you end it?

Get as much paperwork in order as you can, contact your local Women's Aid refuge, and go as safely as possible. Don't text or communicate about this in any way until you have got yourself somewhere to stay.

Yeah but generally isn't it a dangerous time with abusive men? He's abusive and pissed all the time I can't see him suddenly being nice at being told she's leaving? But it's worth a thought as OP knows best so you may be right. I don't know it's just what I read on here. Get ducks in a row, plan, leave in secret then end it for safety and mental and physical health purposes. They're married so she can't make him leave unless she owns the house I think, what do you think madmags? I'm not sure on the legalities

I would get the home sorted first then leave and send the text. Other wise you will have to live with him being drunk and even more abusive till you can move out. I'd say it's safer to sort your exit out first

Thanks all for replies it’s a rented property in his name so am the one who needs to move out with my dd and it won’t be easy taking dd as she’s so close to her dad but I have to take her it’s hard it will be hard I thought I should be civil and speak about it well text so there’s no fall out? Will leave it for now while I get accommodation sorted

If you tell him now, and then you can't sort something straight away, won't that make things more difficult for you?

Re: your dd. Taking her is ABSOLUTELY the right thing. She might love her dad but his behaviour will damage her and you are being a good parent by removing her from a toxic situation.

In that case get everything sorted in secret including finances paperwork and evidence and THEN move out. When you're safely in your new home then text to end it. And don't give new address. Not initially. You can do pick up and drop offs for the child/ren at a neutral place. Not that if trust him with them but that's another story

I agree 100 percent madmags

Yes this is not the time for talking. Get yourself sorted . Housing could take a while depending where you are in the country

Thanks a lot for all replies off to housing association tomorrow. The evidence of abuse I’ve got are recordings of him calling me names etc in front of my daughter

Another voice saying get everything sorted, place to go to, utilities set up there, how to move your stuff etc, then go, and then tell him you've gone.
No point having fruitless discussions with him, save your emotional energy for getting away from him.

You should get a lawyer if you haven't got one already. There are services available which should help pay for one. A lawyer will know the best way you should handle the process and communicate with your husband.

Ada is spot on.

Good that you have evidence. From now til you get new home, try every way to get evidence (recordings, screenshots of texts/Facebook messages/ emails, recordings of phone calls and voicemails, and if he's pissed enough that it's safe then also video in a subtle way).
This will all help in divorce proceedings, any potential escalation of violence needing police intervention, and also child custody (I'm sorry I forgot the new term, parental control?) Issues. And a daily diary. Find a safe place for all of these and make two fake emails so that you can send copies of everything even the diary etc to the second fake email so that you have a totally safe second copy of everything should he find and try to destroy the originals or in case they simply get lost.

It's going to be very hard but do all of this for the safety of your self and your daughter. She needs you. Then when you have new home and leave him you will have EVERYTHING you need for ALL court stuff. Divorce, custody, money battles, and as I said if he gets violent when you leave.

Also put away birth certificates, passports, money documents, all important documents you need. If need be email them to yourself from the new accounts.

Then stay strong and patient and do not let on what your plans are. If you can, squirrel away as much money as you can in cash. My auntie had one she called it a 'fuck you fund'

You can do it.

This is very personal and I'm sure not applicable. But my mum she was in an abusive alcoholic relationship. She wasn't strong enough. She eventually killed herself at age 29. Leaving behind me and my brother. It has ruined me completely even to this very day. From losing my mum to getting myself into similar relationships which were abusive because that's what was modelled to me as a child as normal. It ruined me. Only now at the age of 31 is my life slowly but surely improving. Starting with the most fantastic man who helps me along.

My point being, please stay strong and do this for your daughter. Don't let her be me. Even just modelling your relationship as normal will result in her becoming involved with the same type of men as happened to me.

You can do it. Do it for yourself too. You deserve far better

Aw thanks

Am really sorry @LadyInParis

LadyinParis
Lovely posts, and very true about documents, any thing you can do that will easy you through the administrative upheaval will help you.

Thank you, but please don't be sorry. I say it only to help you, but I appreciate the sentiment I just know you can do it for you and your girl. I have a feeling you will. It may take time but you will. Feel free to pm if you like, it's always good to vent. How are you feeling tonight?

Thank you Ada. Good to know I can be of use sometimes