STBXH - is this normal?

[Rosiepicnic]

Im about 5 weeks into finding out my verbally/emotionally abusive STBXH was cheating on me. When confronted he was extremely arrogant, seemed not to care at all & left straight away & has carried on being completely arrogant since (it was apparently my fault he cheated as i didnt pay him enough attention )

We have a toddler DD which makes things more complicated. I have allowed him to see her when hes asked & tried my best to be amicable but he has been nothing but vile every time ( he had been coming to the house to see her as he hadnt bothered to get a car seat in his car to be able to take her out)

When i first found out about the cheating i sent him a few messages telling him what i thought of him & it seems he has screenshot them. Hes now started sending what i can only describe as fake messages that seem very carefully worded, basically saying i have threatened him with our DD & that i have been abusive to him etc. None of this is true but it seems he is staging these messages. Ive not responded to them other than to say 'stop lying' or 'thats not true'

Has anyone else had ExH do similar?
I am trying to be fair with access but hes been so horrible & threatened me with court & im worried hes going to use these lies & fake messages to try & take DD or at least try to get more access which i dont think is in her best interest. Surely if it went to court they will be able to see the truth?

I have basically cared for her for 90% of the time, he didnt really bother much when he was living here but i feel like he is doing this now not because he actually wants the time but just because its the only way he can hurt me.

Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble but does anybody have any advice?

You are primary carer if you’ve looked after her the whole time. He may go for 50%, but you can negotiate this down, especially if he works.

Thank you, ive just never been through this before & it seems like hes getting really vindictive & playing games. It just worries me as i dont know how low he will stoop. Hes a compulsive liar & is very convincing with it

Your stock text phrase now has to be "I will only contact you with anything to do with DD or your contact arrangements". Anything else comes through, ignore or reply with the exact same text even if you have to do it over and over.

Don’t let him come to the house to see her anymore. Messageto say that access can be arranged once he has the car seat to transport her. Stop facilitating him.

And make sure that your communication with him is in writing. If he wants a paper trail, make sure you have one too.

Choose one method of communication preferably in writing: email, text.
He doesn't come into your home any more (not even for the toilet). If he doesn't get a car seat then he can only take her for a walk, or use buses/trains.
Don't react just be a broken record.
Get a regular schedule for contact and stick to it. (He may not turn up, but just record that, and continue to "make her available" at the correct times.)
Get legal advice and start the divorce process.

It's not your fault - he chose to cheat. If necessary contact Women's Aid - he may well be more abusive than you realise yet.

Thank you, i have stopped him coming into the house now. I think i just need to toughen up a bit. Id tried to be nice to him & be flexible because i thought it was in DDs best interests but he was still being hostile. I just cant understand why he would threaten to take me to court when im trying to be fair with him, theres just no need for him to be behaving like this

I guarantee these will be empty threats on his part. Despite his arrogant behaviour, he will be feeling hurt and bitter that you dare to end things with him. This is his way of trying to hurt you.
My ex was the same, totally vile at the beginning. Threatening to go for joint custody of the kids and all sort of other awful things (too many to list).
My advice is.... Do NOT rise to his attempts to rile you. If he makes threats about court or anything else by text/email, simply reply 'ok'. Don't engage in any discussions or arguments with him. Only engage in conversations about access to your child. Continue with not allowing him in the house and insist on a proper schedule for access.
Remember he will enjoy seeing you get angry/upset/frustrated so don't let him see this.
Is he paying maintenance?

Use a contact centre to avoid his abuse and to avoid seeing him.

No you can't understand OP.
You are a normal person with normal expectations and boundaries.
HE is an abuser.
He is not going to give up control easily.

In this sort of situation reverse psychology can often work, as long as the person is not a narc. Unfortunately your Ex sounds like a narc!