So this is my situation... It's going to be a long one sorry!
My husband and I were due to be together for 10 years on 22nd July, married for 5 years this September we have a two year old son and 2 weeks ago I gave birth to our daughter.
July 1st, when I was 36 weeks pregnant I asked my husband why he had been acting distant towards me, this one question uncovered loads and broke my life.
He told me that he no longer wanted a relationship with me because he could not give me the effort and attention I needed and that he felt guilty for staying in a relationship with me when I deserve to be treated better. He also told me that he had been struggling with being a dad and had been for the last 2 years - I knew he struggled and even spoke to him about PND but he was too proud to admit to mental health. He said how he was a rubbish dad, rubbish at showing emotion and patience. I dont for one second agree with this, yes he isn't perfect but who is?! Our son adores him.
He basically told me that he needed to focus more on building a relationship and bond with the kids than trying to make effort in a romantic relationship! As you can imagine this was so difficult to hear - dumped me but for a pretty valid reason right? Who doesn't want their children to be the priority.
He told me that he had been seeing a marriage counsellor but it was obvious that his mind was already made up.
So 36 weeks pregnant and had just been broken up with - that was hard... And scary. I was scared for my future with my children, both financially and emotionally but I wasn't angry at him. He reassured me that our financial situation would not change. He would continue to pay bills etc and asked me if I wanted him to stay or leave. I said stay, I didn't want to be a single mother with a 2 year old and a newborn (My son is very hyperactive and I find him difficult on times). We agreed that he would continue to live with us and that we would tell others about the situation when I felt ready, especially because our daughter was due in a few weeks. I made it very clear that I didn't want to be made a fool of, I told him that I wanted to know if he had told anyone about us and I made it very clear that I wasn't happy for him to stay living in the house playing happy families when it suited him if he had plans to live a single life and meet other girls. I didn't want others to find out and talk about us and judge - before I was ready to tell friends and family. He said he could respect that and that the he wasn't doing it to hook up with other girls. He said the reason was personal to him and nothing to do with me or how I was. I believed him.
The next few weeks were good and we got on well; the only thing that had really changed for me was the affection, like kissing goodnight and saying I love you. Although this was hard for me I still love and care for him. I noticed that he was suddenly glued to his phone, he has always played games but he was texting and very protective over his phone. I asked him a few times if he was messaging another girl and he told me no, he said he was texting a friend, but something didn't feel right. I asked him 3 times in total. Once on the way to the hospital when I was in labour. He kept telling me no.
I will admit to being insecure at times but I have never been the type of wife that snoops, not that he gave me much of a choice as he never left his phone... until one day when our daughter was a week old. I looked on his phone and saw that he was messaging not one girl but 4 on WhatsApp. I knew he had been messaging someone I just needed confirmation, but to see him messaging 4, after he told me he wasn't leaving me to hook up. I had also noticed that since he originally told me he didn't want to be with me he hadn't made any extra effort with our son, even though he said he needed to concentrate on that relationship. If anything he had spent less time with him because he was always on his phone! I didn't confront him straight away - I guess I didn't want to admit to it. I was able to mask a lot and only cry in the bathroom but my emotions and hormones being a new mum got the better of me and one night he caught me sobbing. At this point I told him I knew he had been texting other girls and felt completely mugged off and that he basically fed me a pile of BS because he knew I would want to put the kids first. Then I told him he needed to just be completely honest with me... So he then told me the following...
Basically that he no longer had feeling for me, (which i had already figured anyway) although when asked he said he did still have feelings when we got pregnant last year. So it happened whilst I was pregnant. He had only seen a marriage counsellor twice and didn't feel comfortable to open up to him and talk so gave up on that. He told me that we both need to accept that the marriage is over.
He then went on to say that he had written on forums and read things online about others separating and divorcing, this is where he got talking to other people and then exchanged numbers with a few people (just so happened to all be females) so basically he had been talking to these girls about our relationship, I guess about me and then he started flirting with them. I also found out that he had also got a girls number from another girl in work, she had recently separated from her partner - I asked how he come to getting the number, surely he would have told the girl from work about him not wanting to be with me? he said this started off as a bit of banter saying he would text her and that's how he got her number.
He told me that he didn't intend to start texting other girls and that it was stupid of him and he realised it was disrespectful of him to do it before I was ready to tell people, not to mention that he was doing it when I had just given birth to his daughter.
He told me he would stop messaging them, the next few days he wasn't on his phone half as much, and when he was he was playing games not texting as much. I even asked him if anyone had messaged him and he said one had but he has blocked their numbers from WhatsApp now. He has broken my trust now and I still think he is messaging them just more aware of doing it in front of me.
He is basically a coward, he cannot be bothered to be in a commited relationship and wants to see if the grass is greener. He has already told me that he wasn't after a relationship with any of the girls just got excitement and a buzz from it, the girls are not local so wasn't planning on meeting them. I know I need to stop loving him and this is something that will take time (although the last week has helped speed this up).
I dont know what to do next...
He has had months to think about this, to fall out of love with me and has already started researching the divorce process. Me on the other hand was dumped at 36 weeks pregnant, had his baby found out he has lied and fed me A load of rubbish which I believed because I still love him and still care for him.
At the moment we are still living together, he has made it clear he wants to remain friends and I agree, especially for the children.
It was always my plan to go back to work part time after my maternity is over but that was based on his income as well as some of mine to afford the bills, he has said he is happy to carry on paying the bills for the next 5 years until our youngest is in fulltime school and I can then return to my career to be more financially comfortable. But doing that we both know he won't be able to get his own place as well as pay my bills so have said he will have to live here. I know it's not ideal, but I want my kids to bond with us both and I want and need the extra help if I'm honest. And I don't want to have to go back to work full time and miss out on precious time with my kids just because of a decision he has made.
He said he is happy to put on a face and even attend my sister's wedding next August if I want him too and if I'm not ready to tell people by then. He has said he's worried about my family finding out and has asked if I don't tell them he done it whilst I was pregnant?? He obviously knows that was bad timing.
I haven't had the courage to speak to any of my friends or family yet, don't even know how to tell them. I had started writing how I was feeling in a notebook but I think I need someone to talk back, may be if they have been in a similar situation or ever stayed living together with an ex? Does it work? (We have never been the type to argue or fight)
I know it has had an impact on me, I have down days or moments where I feel really low and sad and I'm worried that it will lead to post natal depression or depression (i have had some anxiety and low mood in the past) I have not spoken to my midwife about it either.
For selfish reasons I want him to stay here and once I no longer love him I don't think I'll care so much if he wants to message girls instead of spending time with his kids (his loss) or am I being a complete mug?
Thanks in advance for reading my essay and for any advice or words of wisdom you can give me! T x