Am I being selfish?

[JustKeepGoing1]

I separated from my abusive partner last year, and about a month later got into a bit of a 'thing' with my now fiance. We had 'fun' from about december to february before deciding we wanted to make a go of things. Childhood sweetheart, i was with him as a teenager for around a year.. to find him again 12 years later and feel instant attraction, i thought fate had definitely got this one right.
We both have, lets say, a lot of baggage. His ex however stopped him seeing his daughter.. until he got court granted access earlier this year. We are now engaged, wedding booked for July 2019 but his daughter doesnt know i exist.. the reason is so she doesn't tell her mam.. he claims its because she will stop his contact again. But there is a court order in place, him telling his daughter about a relationship would not warrant her to stop contact and a judge would reprimand her without question if she tried to break the order. I just feel the real reason behind this is him not wanting to admit to their daughter that they wont ever be back together.
I feel maybe i am paranoid or so used to things being bad from my past.. but maybe just maybe my gut is right. And i just really need advice. Tia x

Is he going to tell her before you get married? Imagine how the poor girl would feel if she finds out her daddy got married and didn't involve her, let alone tell her. She'd be heartbroken and extremely confused.
I'm presuming you don't live together and he sees her regularly somewhere else. How does it think that will work when you do live together? Will he never bring his child to the house? Expect you to hide?
At the moment he's looking at what is easiest for himself. He needs to do the grown up thing and let his ex know directly that he is dating, and if she with holds contact he goes back to court. Do you know why she with held contact in the first place? And I mean from someone other than him!
And aside from the dc issue, this relationship seems to be going extremely fast for two people with baggage who should be wary and taking things slowly. Out of abusive relationship and engaged in around a year is pretty quick. Did you do anything like the freedom programme to reassert your needs and wants in a partnership before getting together?

I know how extremely quick we have moved.. but yeah i took part in different schemes and groups after leaving my ex.
We actually already live together, and yes i am fully aware of why she withheld contact. From actually her own mouth, i have seen the messages she sent to him and his sister saying he wont see his daughter because he wouldnt get back with her.
I have seen the police statement and heard the conversations about her being violent - something she admitted she regretted because he never retaliated or initiated violence. But they split because of constant fighting and arguing. He sees his daughter as his families home. There is of course wrong on both sides and i am not naive enough to believe he is perfect. But he has changed my life.
He keeps saying he is going to tell his daughter this week.. then its next. Just seems to keep on going. I feel as though 11 months is too little time already let alone leaving it any longer.. i just cant bring myself to give an ultimatum - he tells her or wedding is off. Worst of it is he says his ex knows pretty much everything except the engagement x

If his ex knows about you, bar the engagement, then the logic for not telling his daughter doesn't make any sense.
What age is his child? Isn't she already confused that she never goes to daddy's home? I find it bizarre that his daughter hasn't meet the woman he is going to marry, let alone know about her. How does he see this working when you're married? Will you still be a secret from child but not the mother? With him seeing her at his family's home? Do his family know about you and don't mention you in front of her? Are all the adults lying to her? Are you going to suddenly appear as new step mum? Surely slowly being introducing as daddy's friend, then gf, and then letting her know it's serious would be the best plan?

His daughter is 5.. and due to the 2 year period it took to fight for contact in court.. he was granted access with supervision with his family member as the supervisor. His family all know about me. I have a close relationship with them all. So i just dont understand how she hasnt somehow heard about me. Or has she and she just hasnt asked, i just dont know. I completely agree. This should have been phased in over the past month or so. But he agrees then changes it. Now he says he will start telling her over the next few weeks, how is that different from the last few. I just cant seem to make him see it from my POV. Although he says that about me too. But i feel i am right this time x

How did he only manage to get supervised access? That's odd in itself. Have you posted before? This is strangely familiar but the context was different.

I have posted prior to this relationship but never RE my new partner.
It was decided that because of the age of his daughter, and the period in which they had been separated - they would have supervised access for 24 weeks (once a week due to the distance) until they had managed to build up a relationship again. I have seen the court order so know this is true

Ok, then I really think you need to stress how confused his dc will be if you suddenly appear in her life as a permanent feature. She's going to feel like all the adults in her life that she should be able to depend on have betrayed her if she finds out daddy is engaged and they hid it from her. Suggest a slow introduction. Could you not be at his family's home as a family friend one day? Is it possible for him to have a grown up conversation with the ex. If she knows about you already, conversation should be about meeting dc rather than engagement at this stage. Ex is going to find out eventually so the shite is going to hit the fan at some stage. The best he can do is manage it well.

She seen a picture of us on his phone and askef who i was.. he told her this is daddys new friend.. we both agreed at the time that would be a great way to start slowly getting her used to the idea. It just never seemed to happen. There was never a right time. So just this past week his ex told him she was cutting the contact and he would have to speak to a family member to arrange - so today this family member collected their daughter and he immediately rang me saying, well i am definitely telling her next week now because (ex) is completely cutting contact she doesnt have a say now..
That to me felt like he is upset that she has cut contact so this is his retaliation to p*ss her off. His daughters feelings mattered so greatly up until that point then all a sudden she should know. Basically i am now sat feeling like the consolation prize. As though now he realises ties are severed with his ex he can now move on with me. Of course asking him has somehow turned into us not talking. He says i am being unreasonable. I really dont feel as though i am 😦..

So it seems that it wasn't contact with dc he was worried about losing but contact with ex? I see no reason his ex should have to have contact if she doesn't want to. It does sound like tit for tat. Would he be open to discussing why now is suddenly the time to tell ex? . Or why she suddenly decided to cut contact? Considering his ex's behaviour it seems odd that he actually wants contact with her. Is there a possibility that her extreme behaviour was a reaction to something he did? Is there anyone not involved you could discuss their breakup with?
I don't feel you're being unreasonable either. This seems very confusing and he still seems enmeshed in his old relationship. At this stage he should be feeling apathic towards his ex. This seems more like hatred which means he is not emotionally over her.

I wouldn't marry a man whose child I hadn't met.

I married a man who has children, got to know them well beforehand, they were fully on board with the idea and a big part of the wedding and it's still not always easy.

You're planning a wedding that's more months ahead in time than you've currently been together. I feel panicked just reading your post, never mind trying to live this life.

She's 5, she's tiny, and her Mum is angry and resentful, they'll both be in your life for many many years to come and you don't even know the little girl.

You should be in the honeymoon period, fun and laughter and shagging and days out and nights in and hearts and flowers and romance. You're being swept up by the drama and controversy and it's not going to make you happy. It shouldn't be a struggle at this point, and if it is I promise you have no idea how hard life will be when you're trying to build a bond with a small child who's had you thrust into her life while she's still trying to get reacquainted with her dad.

The worst part of all of this, this is the only thing thats causing any grief. We have an amazing relationship. We cook together, eat out, hes so attentive, i get flowers weekly, swept off my feet. He is loving, we have so much fun and laughter. Then there is this one thing that is so big its taking over my thoughts. We talked last night. He is going to speak with his daughter this weekend. And at a family bbq at the end of august he would like me to be there to introduce me. I still dont feel this is nearly enough time.
His ex has decided he has to contact via a 3rd party because they dont get on. It was something he asked for about 3 months ago, to stop contact with her. But she disagreed. Now she has said its for the best as they are both in new relationships. Like i said, the ex knew about me. It was his daughter that didnt.
I am just unable to shake the feeling that he still has feelings for her despite the years apart. He denies it completely. I have no clue where to go from here x

So what happens if you have a child together will he not tell her she has a half sibling? What if she finds out later that he's married has another child.... it goes on and on....then she won't trust him. She might want to be a bridesmaid. This whole situation is ridiculous OP he needs to man up tell her and you need to see his daughter now and then so yr not the ogre stepmum. Secrets always come out and he's letting his ex control his and yr life. Give him a date by which to tell his ex and daughter. I would ask if dd could be a bridesmaid (if you want her to -it will welcome her into yr family which she will also be a part of) and that wedding postponed if he doesn't.

Thats the point i keep making, i do so much for his daughter already behind the scenes. Buy her stuff, just bought her school uniform, i need to have time to prove to her i am a good person because her mam will do her best to poison her against me. Shes already told my partner she will.
His daughter along with mine is already planned to be flower girls. We have dress fittings booked for them in January. I have told him i want her to know by the time they return to school or wedding is off. I had a controlling ex, i will be damned if i left that to be controlled by his! X

So his plan is to tell her you're engaged next week? Or simply his gf? The latter is fine, the former a step too fast. I would suggest saying you're his gf and then asking her if she would like to meet you on a play date with just the three of you. First meeting at large family event seems a bit overwhelming.

You need to then go at her pace. Give her a chance to get used to the idea of daddy having a gf before rushing into full on happy families.

Buying her school uniform etc should not be your responsibility. You need to step back. If I was his ex, that would feel pushy and piss me off.
And I think booking dress fittings and making plans for her involvement at the wedding is jumping the gun and trying to force the happy family you obviously want.

If he can actually stick to a slow time frame from this weekend then this could work out. There will be problems. Particularly with such a short time frame for your wedding. Is deposit paid etc? If not I would seriously think about putting that on the back burner until everything is more settled with his daughter and she has a chance to get used to the new dynamics.

Agree with thingsdo you need a plan with dates of what you do when and he's got to stick to it. No good keep saying next week he's just putting it off. If his ex has control now then think how this will pan out over the years. He might even lie to you both in the future to avoid confrontation etc. You can't live in her shadow for yrs. If that was me I'd seriously reconsider if he doesn't start sorting this out pronto.

All deposits for our wedding are paid. I had to include her in the dress fitting because i had 3 others to get measured. I didnt think meeting her just the 3 of us was a good idea, at least with others there she wont feel so on the spot. I am also her aunties friend so it would be good to have me there on the capacity rather than just dads girlfriend but yes, next week he is going to tell her i am his girlfriend, then slowly over the next 2 weekends talk to her about meeting me at the bbq. But if he doesnt tell her this weekend i am postponing the wedding because then i will know there is more to it x

Wine is the DEVIL.. or should i say i am the devil when wine is involved 😱
Turned into a person who drinks when i have things on my mind. Only it turns into my mouth saying things it really shouldnt!!
He knows exactly how i feel now though 🙈
Feel lost. Empty. Hateful. Depressed.