For a number of years my husband has been sexually abusive to me. He's called my previous sexual assault (I was just 14 (like days after my 14th birthday) by a man whose children I used to babysit groomed me. I was a very naive 14 year old. He called that an affair.
He instigated anal sex with me, I agreed and he then called me dirty and told me I shouldn't have agreed.
These are examples and many other things occurred.
My sexual self confidence is zero. However I feel it's important to have sex in a relationship for it to remain intimate.
I started counselling and it was good, the counsellor told me that only I could change my reaction. This lead me to being able to detach from my husband and be calmer in myself. He noticed the shift on me and asked what he could do......
One of my biggest things is that we only have sex on his terms ie Sunday morning, this leaves me feeling like a convenience and not really desired or wanted or indeed an equal partner.
I've asked that occasionally he makes love to me before work, Because I love that early morning sex (I accept that Sunday's are mornings but it's the predictability or it) because it would make me feel wanted and desired and may lead to my confidence being restored.
This has never ever happened without a huge row about him not making the effort, he then does it once and then months go by and nothing. I'm not expecting every week or every month but I did want maybe every six weeks or couple pf months.
I accept I'm not entitled to make anyone do anything sexually that they don't want too but it's more than the sex act it's actually saying I've listened to you, I want the relationship to work and I'm making an effort.
This morning I said no to sex, it led to the inevitable argument and I said you've got to be straight and tell me if you're ever going to listen to what I like and he admitted it would never happen.
So, it's his terms or no sex. I'm opting for no sex I can't just be a convenience for him, it's ruining my self confidence.
I was more than willing to compromise, he asked me what he could do I told him and he said yes he would, then he doesn't and now it's just plain no.
If I'm honest I think I deserve some thought for staying with him, I had one foot out the door but he said he wanted to try, he cried and asked how he could make it up to me after being so awful.
I told him that I'm moving into the spare bedroom, I don't want to be lying next to someone that I'm not able to be affectionate with. He seems incredulous that I'm doing that?
I feel very down that at 51 my sex life is over.
So am I to presume this is the beginning of the end....?